Trading My Plans for the Lord’s and Why It’s the Best and Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Done

Giving up control has never been one of my favorite things, but is it anyone’s? On this journey to become more like Christ I am learning what it means to leave my desires at the Lord’s feet. And while this is by far one of my most difficult daily trials, it gives me an immense peace. Giving the Lord control of my life leaves so much room for everyday joys that I would have so easily missed while always looking forward to tomorrow.

In this stage of life everyone is constantly asking, “What’s next?” It starts senior year with the, “Where are you going to school?” and “What are you majoring in?” Then it evolves into, “What do you want to do?” And after that it turns into “What’s your ideal age to get married?” or maybe, “How many kids do you want to have?” I’m sitting here, barely 24 hours out of my first full semester of college and thinking, “Why do I have to know the answer?”

One thing I have gained from leaving these questions unanswered is an incredible freedom. Freedom to focus on the present and learning to be content. Freedom to let go of the worry. Freedom to ignore the, “Well everyone else is…” Freedom that only comes from trusting that God’s plan is way more awesome than mine could ever be. I know this, I believe in God’s faithfulness because He showers me with it daily. My God is so gracious with my wondering and ambitious heart that He did flip my plan upside down. Because He loves me that much He decided that He wanted to show me that His plan is so much sweeter than anything I could ever think of.

Leaving my plan at the feet of the Cross means that I get to fall in love with teaching more and more every time I think about my future classroom. Setting aside my ambition for Spirit lead humility means that I get to focus on loving my friends deeply and intimately instead of frantically crossing things off my to-do list. Trusting in God’s plan for my life is SO HARD. It is a battle I have to fight with myself every morning. But slowly I am starting to win the battle for my heart to start to look like His. And while I do deeply desire to leave my plans at the Lord’s feet there are some days that I lose this fight. Sometimes I do get caught up in my busyness. I do get caught up in the “What’s next?” But thank goodness that’s my God’s grace is unending and never failing because man oh man would I be in trouble.

The other hugely important lesson I am learning in setting my plans aside is something I never really wanted to admit to myself. Learning to leave my plans at the Cross is one thing, trusting in the plan that is thrown my way is another. But, understanding that sometimes while the Lord’s plan is always perfect it is not always painless. Understanding that God’s plan for me is amazing and perfect and completely better than my own is getting easier. But learning to deal with the heartbreak and hardships that come with battling my sinful nature is something that I still have yet to learn to grasp. One of my favorite bloggers, Stephanie Mae Wilson, wrote about this and it touched my heart so deeply. In her blog Stephanie talks about how even though God has said “Go” it doesn’t make the unrest and uncertainty go away. But when we trust in God’s plan we know that through this unrest and uncertainty the not-so-easy will be so worth it.

Tonight I ask that you pray for me as I learn all of these things, as I learn to continuously leave my perfectly planned out life at God’s feet and place my trust solely in His faithfulness to me. And in return I will pray the same for you. Wow, how great is our God that He loves us enough to trade our plans for His.

With lots of joy and a peaceful heart,
Kaitlyn

Not Getting Caught Up in Letting People Catch Me

A lot of things happened last week. So I think it's fair to say that my Dead Week was anything other than dead. But, throughout the craziness, the stress, and the overwhelmingness of college I am met with God's grace and faithfulness. I was met by blessings I could have never seen coming, and this week these blessings came in the form of some really great friends.

For quite a while I struggled with what it meant to have true friends. What it looked like to have "my people." And what it meant to trust that someone will be there for me every step of the way. I didn't really think that was even a real possibility for me, for so many different reasons. But my mom ALWAYS said, "you'll meet your best friends in college," wow, was she so right! Learning to let people in has been and still is incredibly difficult for me. But learning to break down the barriers around my heart is one of the toughest but most rewarding battles I fight against myself every day.

This last week was nothing short of a whirl wind. With a packed schedule and crazy occurrences I fell into the trap of busy and stress and the feelings of defeat. While I have developed the skill of managing my stress very well I am still learning to leave my fears and failures at the foot of the cross. And every once in while I get caught up in myself and tend to spiral out of control. Only this time something was different, this time when I fell into the trap I wasn't alone. And this time I had people there to catch me, people who picked me up right as I fell face first into the ground and I even had people to sit with me before I hopped right back up to continue on my to-do list journey. These people I am incredibly thankful for.

Learning to love myself has been no walk in the park, and learning to let others love me has been like climbing a mountain without any climbing equipment. But with the Lord as my guide I am learning what it means to trust the people He surrounds me with. I am starting the break down Fort Knox, and I am understanding why we are not meant to live this life alone. This afternoon I had lunch surrounded by some of my favorite people in the whole world, and for that I am so thankful. But even more so than the meal we shared, I am blessed to know that these people won't let me fall. To know that the people I love so much, WILL be there for me every step of the way. And learning to be okay with them catching me when I stumble on this journey through life is such a wonderful testament to God's perfect timing and unwavering faithfulness. So as I finish out my first semester of college this week I am rejoicing in the blessings of real and true friendship and what it looks like to trust people to catch me when I fall.


With lots of love and a humble heart,
Kaitlyn

The Truth About My Perfection

I bet I can guess what you are all thinking...why in the world is there a pedestal as this header? Well, whether or not you pay any attention to the pictures I use for my blogs you may or may not have realized that each picture I have chosen corresponds with the topic. And while this blog is no different I felt the need to let you in on my secret because tonight as I write this a picture of an empty pedestal is the most perfect illustration I could have ever imagined.

When you think of perfection what does that look like? Do you envision a perfect day at the beach with calm waves and the beauty of God's creation? Do you think of the cookie-cutter family that you desire to have more than anything? What about a job that you love going to every day that pays a decent amount? Or maybe, just maybe you think of someone. There might be a person that you hold in such high regard that in your eyes they are perfect (or as perfect as we can get as imperfect humans). Well, the funny thing is lately I have been that person for some people, and honestly thats all sorts of crazy in my brain. The prideful part of my heart gets REALLY excited to hear that the people around me think I can obtain any level of perfection. But then deep in the corners of my heart connected to the most sacred parts of who I am I hear the Holy Spirit whisper, "You are still broken, and perfection is not an option for you." And I could not be more thankful for that reminder. 

Living a life of perfection is not something I ever strive for, at all. Jesus Christ was perfect on the Cross and that is the only perfection I could ever need. Because when I see this pedestal I see the place where people have raised me up to something awesome and incredibly unrealistic, because on top of this pedestal there is nothing. This is because I cannot fulfill their need for perfection. I won't ever be able to live up to what they want from me because I was made perfectly imperfect by the most Perfect that ever has and will be. That space created by others for me I can never fill, heck I probably won't ever even be able to reach it and that is fine by me. Because when I look at this empty space that needs to be filled I get to rest in the fact that the God of everything gets to sit up there and I don't have to worry about a single thing. 

When we hold people to a standard of perfection we instantly set them up to fail. And I promise you I fail a lot! Being the kind of person that strives for perfectionism in her life instinctively, my own expectations of myself are hard enough to fulfill, let alone those of others. Running the race of perfection was the hardest thing I have ever attempted to do, and I never want to try and do it again. Listening to the Lord teach me about how amazing His grace is has been more comforting than I ever imagined. Learning to let go of my mistakes and failures are a part of life, and part of my race towards Him. When I hold myself and others to a standard of perfection I put us up on this pedestal and with this place I provide myself with a heaping pile of disappointment and defeat. 

I can't tell you how many times I have sat and cried with numerous women in my life about my inability to fit into this perfect box I created for myself. But out of these trials came someone who has to make a constant effort to put aside her perfect aspirations in order to humble herself before the Perfect God. And as I continue to run this race toward Him I am reminded of a letter my mom wrote me not all the long ago. At the end of the letter she write, "Always remember to strive for excellence, and not perfection." So tonight and on the nights like this to come, I find comfort in my mother's words, knowing that I don't have to be perfect, and how awesome is that.

With a humble heart and lots of love,

Kaitlyn

What I Wish You Could See

Beauty is such a hard thing for women to grasp. We poke and prod at each and every one of our imperfections, we tear ourselves apart until there is nothing left in the mirror for us to look at and feel good about. We so easily fall into the trap of satan's lie that tells us we are anything less than perfect. The God of everything made you in His image. He tells us time and time again that we are His most beloved creation. We are known by God, what an awesome gift. I know this gift and I rejoice in it often, but there are many whom I love very much that cannot yet see their beauty, and oh how my heart breaks for them.

I often say one of my greatest accomplishment in my short lifetime is my ability to look in the mirror and see beauty. Getting there took a lot of crying on floors and falling into satan's lies. But now that I know my beauty comes from nothing I could have ever done, I want others to know the same. So here I go:

My dear sweet friend, you are beautiful, and there is not a single thing in this world that could ever change that. Your heart is one of true beauty that brings me such joy and I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. When you tear yourself down it breaks your heart, but it also breaks mine because you cannot see how precious and so loved you are by those around you. I want you to know that your beauty does not come from the rise and fall of a number on a scale. It will never come from any amount of makeup you cover your face with or the clothes that you wear. Your most beautiful trait is a soul that never stops smiling and has never failed to make my day that much brighter. I love you and I hope with my whole heart that you come to know these things in your heart. The Lord of everything created you for His glory because you bear His image. When He looks at you, you have favor in His eyes because He created you beautifully and perfectly. And personally I would't challenge His opinion on this one. My dear sweet friend, you are perfect in each and every way because He made you that way and I will never stop telling you that. My prayer for you is that you learn and keep this truth locked away in your heart and ever present in your mind. Let it seep into you life and eventually allow yourself to know this above every lie satan ever tells you. You are loved so much, believe that with all your heart.

With overwhelming love that comes only from the One who is Love,
Kaitlyn

What I Want You to Know About Me

School is in full swing and college has been so fun thus far! But with every new season, more often than not, that means new people and in my case that means approximately 26,000 new people. College is full of new things and my favorite thing has been the new friendships I make everyday. Whether that means I make a friend in my class, club, or chapter, making new friends means introducing yourself over and over again. Please know that I am not complaining, but I want the people that enter my life to know that I am more than Kaitlyn Kirksey from Stillwater, OK, I am more than a sorority girl, I am more than a HDFS major. I am more because of what Jesus did for me on the cross. I am more because I love deeply because He loved me first. I am more because I am sarcastic but kind, studious but fun. I am organized with my schedule but messy with my room. I love to serve but also need to be filled up.

I want those who already know me to know that I am changing as a person but that doesn't mean that I am different. I am growing and evolving and becoming the Godly woman the Creator of the universe desires for me to be, and while I may look different or hang out with new people fundamentally I am the same. My heart for the Lord will not change, it may grow in size but not in my need to be in the presence of the One who knows me better than anyone else.

As a woman I truly believe that I have a fundamental desire for others to know me and my heart, and I don't think this will ever change. I desire intimacy within relationships because that's what I view as quality. I want people to know that I love fast and hard, but the reason for that is because Jesus Christ laid His life on the Cross for mine. He took my sin to glorify Himself, but also because He loved me so much He took my place.

I want everyone to know that I am a good listener but also an advice giver. I am the "mom" of each one of my friend groups but I wouldn't want it any other way. I want every person I meet to know that I live my life the way I do because I choose to follow the path that God has laid at my feet. I want people to know that I want to be known. But I am so thankful that I am already known by the only one that matters. And because I am known by Him that is more than enough.

With lots of love and a confident heart,
Kaitlyn

Why I Decided to Change Things Up

If you have been following my blog over my short duration as a "Blogger" I am excited that you continue to visit me as I walk through this life and continue to learn and listen as God molds me into the Godly women He created me to be. As you can probably tell things look a little different, including the name of this blog itself. I want to let you know that as I continue to grow and develop as a person my hope is that my blog will as well.

The new name for this blog comes from my love of a quote I found a while ago, it says:

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor the devil says, "Oh no! She's up!"

This quote has been something I have admired for as long as I've heard it and it is something that I strive for everyday. As I continue along the path God has played out for me I aspire to become this type of woman daily and that is why I decided to change things up. But my heart, as well as my post will continue to be honest, sarcastic and the truth of what God is teaching me in my life. Thank you for sticking with me and happy reading.

Much love,
Kaitlyn

Confessions of a soon to be college freshman

What the heck! High school has come and gone and apparently so has summer and in less than three days I move into my college dorm. It's crazy to think about how fast time has truly flown by! As I transition into this next chapter of my life I find myself in a state filled with thoughts constantly floating around in my brain. Some of these thoughts are happy, some sad, and a lot of them full of anticipation. Below I have confessed these thoughts, take it as you will.

(DISCLAIMER: These are in no particular order)

1. Will I really be able to live with a stranger for the next 9 months?
2. Am I going to be totally and completely overwhelmed with college?
3. Is it possible to find solid christian community at a public school?
4. Is my faith strong enough to withstand everything college will throw at me?
5. Who will I still be friends with out of my high school friend group in college?
6. I find the idea of #RingBySpring to be ridiculous.
7. Will I meet my husband in college?
8. Will I ever figure out what I really want to do?
9. Am I listening to what God is telling me?
10. Did I choose the right school?
11. Am I being realistic when it comes to my life goals?
12. Will I make friends in college?
13. Am I too pushy when it comes to sharing what I think?
14. I am really weirded out at the idea of not seeing my mom every day.
15. How will my family dynamic change once I leave?
16. I can't figure out if my excitement for certain things is passion or just excitement.
17. What is my passion?
18. How do I find it?
19. Am I too independent to be in a relationship?
20. I hate when people see my self confidence as unapproachable. 
21. Am I disciplined enough to stick to my daily readings?
22. I really want to use my planner consistently. 
23. Will I be culture shocked going into college?
24. Am I able to love people well even when they are different from me?
25. I will miss my brother a lot more than I will ever admit.
26. I am really afraid of committing to something and then finding out that I hate it.
27. I know who I am, but I don't understand why people are still surprised at how comfortable I am in my own skin.
28. I want to show people Christ through my life but I feel like I suck at that 99% of the time. 
29. I really want to have fun in college.
30. I want Jesus to be my focus in every season of my life.
31. Why do people find my purity ring weird?
32. I'm really want to have a better diet in college.
33. I am glad I know how to take good notes.
34. I feel like I am overthinking everything.
35. How do I stop?

While writing this list I realized two things 1) I have some really random thoughts, and 2) that I can satisfy a lot of these questions by leaving them at the feet of the Cross. How blessed am I to have a Savior that loves me enough to listen to me drone on and on about every single boring thought in my head. WOW. My God is awesome. I pray you know that too. If you would pray for me during this time of transition in my life and that I will seek God in all things first and foremost. 

With a wandering head and steady heart,

Kaitlyn

Beauty, Confidence and Everything In Between

I have been trying to write this post for the last two week but after yesterday morning I knew I needed to write it.

So, yesterday morning I was headed out to work and I happened to pass by one of the mirrors in my house. As I glanced at my reflection I think to myself, "Wow, I look skinny." Then I had to take a pause, because I just got back from my long weekend vacation and I knew I had put on a couple of pounds, I didn't get skinnier in reality I got bigger. So why did I think I looked skinny? And the more and more I thought about this I realized I associate the idea of "skinny" with pretty. But, what is ironic about this is that even though I don't feel skinny, I feel beautiful. I am confident in who I am, and who I am in Christ but I still sometimes struggle with what confidence is and what it means to live my life confidently...

Confidence is feeling pretty right? Or is it when other people think I'm pretty? Or, is it both?

Well in my experience, confidence is something that is much more than skin deep. Being confident means I can firmly stand on who I am and what I believe. But, I want to talk about what it means to be confident in myself, but also in Jesus.

Now, I was a chubby little kid, then I grew into an overweight kid, that transformed into a self-conscious kid. Which in turn, created a self-conscious teenager and now, here we are. When I look back at the person I used to be and how I felt about myself breaks my heart into a million pieces. I look back at the 6th grade girl who felt so uncomfortable in her body that she cried anytime someone made any kind of comment about her. I think about the 8th grade me that came back from six weeks at weight-loss camp and losing 30Ibs that still wasn't satisfied with her self-image. I think about the junior in high school who sat on the floor in tears as she stared into her closet and cried because she couldn't feel pretty in anything she tried on. I think about the freshman in college that looks at herself in pictures and mentally picks herself apart until there is nothing left than a heaping pile of one of Satan's most powerful lies: I am not good enough.

I am confident.

Sometimes. Most of the time.

I am self-conscious.

Too often.

Junior and senior year of high school I learned a LOT about who I am, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And, in my youth group we went through a series based out of 1 Corinthians that dealt with our spiritual gifts. Throughout this series we talked about how God created us all uniquely for a special and specific purpose in connection to His will. Even though the focus of this series was our spiritual gifts, it also taught me about the importance of my uniqueness as a creation of God. Having confidence is not something that comes naturally as a human being, at least not for me. I only learned to be confident once I learned to love Jesus and understood that I was made exactly the way I am because I fit perfectly into His plan. My confidence is something that without Christ would not exist. Period. Before I knew how important I was to Him and the Kingdom He created I lived a life of constant discomfort and perpetual self-consciousness. And there are some days (more than I would care to admit) that I still do feel insecure about myself, whether that be physically or otherwise. But by learning to lean on Jesus and all of His awesomeness I realized that because I am loved by the God who created the stars and the heavens I was made perfectly and I am perfect the way I am because He made me exactly the way He wanted me. Now I am not saying that I won't try to lose a couple pounds here or there or I won't change up my style (if I ever find some), but what I am saying is that my beauty is not found in my physicality it is found in Christ alone. And I think this is why so many women have a hard time with how they view themselves, because they don't understand that God sees us differently than any other human ever could. The thing that break my heart the most, is when I hear the people in my life who I know have true beauty in their heart and even on the skin still can't see their beauty. Tonight that is something I pray for you as you read this, that you would know how incredibly loved you are, how beautifully made you were and that you would know that you are God's perfect design. I pray that you build a relationship with the Creator of makeup and mirrors and let Him tell you how fearfully and wonderfully made you are.

Tonight I encourage you to look to God's word and let Him tell you who you are, how beautiful you have always been and let it sink in deep in every corner of your heart. Proverbs 31:30 says,

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." - Proverb 31:30

I hope that you listen to what God is telling you; that you are beautiful and perfect in His eyes. True beauty comes from the heart, as they always say but more importantly it comes from Jesus and I hope you keep that close to your heart.

With lots of love and confidence found in Christ,
Kaitlyn

The Blessing of Intentional Relationships

I love people. And to some degree I think I always have. But, because Christ loved me I get to love people even more. The love of God has the power to change every part of a human being, especially the human heart. I have always loved taking care of others, I guess it's just the natural instinct within me but because of the awesomeness of the Holy Spirit that feeling gets amplified by about a million. I truly believe that intentional relationships are the result of God's overflowing love within us. God has gifted me many blessings within my short lifetime and quite a few of these have come in the form of intentional relationships.

Beginning senior year I found myself in an awkward place. Somewhere between the start of junior year and the August before senior year I looked up and realized I didn't necessarily enjoy the majority of people that filled my life. Not to say that some of them didn't bring me great joy, because I promise they did, but I craved something different, something deep, something with intention. Inside my heart there was a desire to love others with every ounce of Christ's overflowing love, but there were very few people in my life I got to share it with. Then God pointed me in the direction of acting intentionally toward those around me. And man oh man did He bless me! For approximately the last week I served as a junior counselor at Oklahoma Girls State. Basically this means I get to spend every second of my days with some of the most amazing twenty-seven women I have ever met. I enjoyed Girls State more than anything because of the relationships I got to build with these lovely ladies which came as a product of intention. But while I spent my week in Norman a huge part of my heart was left in Stillwater where another one of God's products of intentionally stayed. 

For some crazy reason God thought that as a senior in high school I should really get to know younger girls, specifically two sophomores that somehow ended up stealing every piece of my heart. Sometime between August and May, Kenley and Mac ended up being two of the most important people in my life. Yesterday was the first time I saw them for a whole entire week and I could not have been more excited to see them. Being someone who's love language is quality time, I can't really explain how great a feeling it was to sit and talk that night for a solid 30 minutes!

I have established in all the wisdom that fills my seventeen year old body, that God brings people into our lives for a reason. Every one of the people I have met in my life serve a purpose in God's incredible plan for me. So why not share Him with every one of them? One part of graduating high school I didn't really think about was all the gifts you get from people, and nine times out of ten, gifts come with cards. Now, my first love language may be quality time by my secondary is words of affirmation, and there is no cooler way to see all the things God has used a person for than what people write about you in a graduation card. Just like I have talked about before I really struggle with letting people in, but this year I REALLY tried to change that. And after reading the things people wrote to me I think I did a pretty decent job. Once I learned to love people intentionally, I got to see God work through me in awesome and unbelievable ways. 

When we learn to love people with intention God opens incredible doors. So whether that means you get to meet someone's mom as their "favorite person in the world" or you end up taking personality test at two in the morning, God will use you in ways you could never imagine. So tonight I pray that you get to experience this intentional kind of love. I hope you let God open these doors for you.

Filled with love, joy and coffee,

Kaitlyn 

Dating. . . what a topic

Relationships are complicated, this is because people are complicated. Dating is something I really stayed away from in high school. Now, I did go on dates but I never dated a boy, or you could say I never had a boyfriend. This is not another cliche post about how you shouldn't date in high school, or even that you should, I am simply going to tell you what God has placed on my heart and what He has taught me vicariously through others.

That being said, I am not in opposition of or a proponent of dating in high school (and or the pre post-secondary education time frame). My view of a "dating" relationship is that the goal of said relationship is to simply glorify God. Period, point blank. As I watch those around me that have chosen to date, very few of their relationships have ever done this. There are some of my friends that have done a very good job at keeping Christ in the middle but it takes a lot of spiritual discipline and emotional maturity. My biggest opposition to teenagers dating is if you are not emotionally capable of caring for another human being in the way that Christ loves the Church, than you don't need to date. I cannot speak for those who don't have Jesus in their hearts, but for those of us that know the slightest glimpse of God's awesomeness and know the power of Holy Spirit driven love need to understand that dating is not for us if we can't commit to the love God has called us to. Dating and marriage are things that God gave as a gift to mankind that is designed to continue to give Him glory. I have spent too many night on the phone with my friends that are crying on the other end because of something that happened in their relationships, that from the start, were built on something broken. I know that sometimes even Godly relationships come to an end, I am not saying that breakups won't happen, but what I am saying is that a lot of girls (and guys) can be spared heartache by simply changing the way they view their relationships with significant others. We have become so fascinated by the idea of "true love" and "happily ever after" that we forget that God is the point of it all. I believe with my whole heart that God has a special man picked out just for me, and I can't wait to meet him! I have faith that God will bring me a man with everything that I need in a truly God honoring relationship, but this man won't ever be my "true love" because that is a space in my heart only the Creator of the universe could possibly fill. So often I am focused on my loneliness and my desire for a boy that I lose sight of what I am running toward: a life that always pursues Jesus Christ. I've heard it said many ways and many times over the years that when we run toward God with all we can, if you see someone running beside you introduce yourself.

The other thing that as a teenager myself I have noticed when people my age get into dating (or don't), is how their relationship with the Lord changes. Contentment, this plays a huge part in relationships. I have learned a thing or two in my short life span, one of these being when young people like and or enjoy something (or someone), they tend to put their identity and value into that certain thing. A great example of this is relationships with a boyfriend/girlfriend. As someone who has never had a real dating relationship, I can speak firsthand that this is a hard thing to deal with without adding a boy to the mix. If you haven't noticed, I struggle with placing my identity in a lot of things (example a) and adding another, broken human to the mix would have been even more difficult. But over the years I have seen so many of my friends search for their value from within the boys they run around with.  And time and time again I see my girlfriends put their hearts into a person instead of God, and nothing good ever comes of it. As someone who has been single her entire life, I have had to learn the importance of being content. This means being content in many aspects of my life, including: knowing who I am as a creation of God, believing that my relationship with Jesus is enough, and the understanding that God's plan is something that I won't ever fully grasp but need to completely trust. Learning to be content means that I have to hold onto the promise of God's faithfulness to me and to rest in His perfect timing. When it comes to the dating game, that is something a lot of people don't want to wait on and more often than not teenagers, just like me, fall into the trap of self-centered, desire driven relationships.

As someone who desires to love everyone  I leave this at your feet in hopes of you seeing dating with a different, Christ-centered viewpoint. I also hope that you take all that I have said here with a grain of salt. I am not the end-all-be-all of relationship advice, but I come from a place of a small amount of life experience and a lot of Christ-like love. I pray that you ask the Lord to guide your heart when it comes to the dating relationships currently in your life and those that are yet to come.

Lots of love,
Kaitlyn

A Thank You Letter to My Youth Group

Tonight I sit on my bed humbled and sad, filled with pure joy and abounding love for a special gift God has granted me over the last four years. That gift, my youth group at Sunnybrook Christian Church. The last four years have been amazing and tonight was my last Wednesday night YG. Tonight we welcomed the upcoming eighth graders and said congratulations to the seniors. At the end of the night once everyone was introduced, the seniors gathered in a circle and were surrounded by the other YG members and were prayed over. Now I knew at some point I was going to cry, I had been holding off tears all day, but when Seana, my small group leader of the past six years began to cry as she prayed for our futures, that's when it got to me and when I basically lost it. Even though I'm not physically leaving, but still 'leaving' the place I've called home for the last four years is really hard. Driving away from the church tonight was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Over the last four years Jesus has given me so much in the form of knowledge, teachers, and friends from YG and it is a sad thing to no longer be a part of it. It's funny, because I'm not leaving Sunnybrook, heck I'm not even leaving my home town, but I'm still sad to be leaving this part of my life behind. Even through my sadness I know God is working within my heart, and I'm still incredibly thankful for my time in YG so below are some special thank you's to some pretty awesome people who over the years have loved Jesus and somehow decided to love me too.

Bennett,
Thanks for being the cheesiest non-stereotypical cheesy youth pastor possible. Thank you for answering my endless questions and encouraging me to use my leadership for the glory of Christ. I have loved learning from you these last few years, thank you for speaking the truth into my life.

Seana,
Thank you for sticking with us through all these years. You've brought so much into my life and I'm so thankful for every time you sat and listened to me cry or gave me advice about friends. You have set a wonderful example to me and all the girls that have come through our small group the last six years of what a women of Christ truly looks like and I am so blessed because of it. I love you.

Missy and Melissa,
Thanks for hanging out and doing high school with us. You are two unbelievable women that have blessed me in so many ways. I'm so thankful that I have had the opportunity to have you both by my side as I wandered and stumbled my way through high school. To Missy, thanks for all the college advice and constant encouragement! To Melissa, thanks for always sharing an awesome view point in every discussion and always being a smiling face and kind heart to talk with. I'm blessed beyond measure by the footprints you both have left and am excited to continue to walk with you throughout my life.

Natalie,
You just had to go and move to Wichita. Just kidding! I am so thankful for the love and support you gave me over your two years as a small group leader and discipleship person. Your joy for Jesus and love for Him encourage me everyday and I'm so glad God placed you in my life even for a short period of time.

Rebekah,
You are wonderful and I am so blessed by your love and excitement to love the girls at Sunnybrook. Thank you for loving me, listening to me and helping me grow closer to Christ but also for encouraging me to love each and every girl in YG. You are always missed.

Morgan,
Your love for the Lord inspires me everyday. Thank you for pouring into me, listening to me when I come and cry in your office, and simply loving me. Your passion to serve others and speak truth into the lives of everyone around you has taught me so much about what it means to be a follower of Christ.

Kenley and Mac,
Never one without the other. You both have blessed me in ways I never imagined possible. Thank you for letting me hangout with you, eat lunch in the hallway with you and simply love you. You are both wonderful human beings and awesome sisters in Christ. I can't wait to watch you navigate high school because I know you will do amazing things. I love you both and thank you for making my senior year just that much better.

Avery,
My friend, what a ride we've had. By the grace of God we made it here to senior year. We're almost there but my road to this point wouldn't have been anywhere near complete without you on it. You walked with me, sometimes guided me, and always encouraged my to pursue Jesus with my whole heart. Thank you for setting a great example of what it looks like to love and follow Jesus on a daily basis. I will miss you so much when you go to JBU but I know God has some unbelievable things in store for you. I love you sweet friend.

To everyone that I didn't mention, you have played a vital part in my walk and I'm just as thankful for everything you've brought to my life. Tonight I am sad, but I know God has things set out for me that I haven't even thought of yet. So pray that I continue to listen to Him and walk the path He has laid out for me. Tonight yes, I am sad but I'm also blessed. Tonight I meditate on the words of Proverbs:

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

Tonight I am blessed because of the gift God gave me through my youth group. I praise the God who gave me a heart that loves people, and gave me people to walk with on my journey towards Him. So tonight I'm sad, I am blessed, and I am thankful for a God who loves me enough to fill my heart to the max. I am excited for the future and for what God has up next.

With a thankful heart full of joy and much love,
Kaitlyn

Feelings are Hard

What do you do when someone you love hurts your heart but don't know if they understand or care? What do you do when you love someone and you don't feel that love in return? 

Well if you have the answer please let me know because I keep asking myself and I'm not very good at coming up with any good answers.

In my last post I talked about how awesome community is, but I also told you how hard it is for me to let people into my heart. And today is a perfect example of just how hard it is to struggle to tell people what I really want to say. One of my biggest fears in life is being alone. In my deepest darkest, 2am thoughts, I am so afraid that I will end up living life with no one who loves me, and not just boy love, but friendships as well. I am terrified that the people I love most in my life will walk away when things get hard. This fear has been validated before, on account of both parties, but as a result I naturally fear that it will continue to happen throughout my life. Something ironic about me is that even though I am a generally "aggressive" person (or at least that's what the Facebook quizzes tell me), I don't particularly like conflict. This isn't because I want to avoid hard conversations, because let me tell you the conversation is the easy part, it's the aftermath that scares me. I have a hard time being honest with my feelings when I think a relationship is threatened because I would rather be a little "upset" with said person in my life than really sad without them. But along the way to where I am now, I've given up a lot of myself in order to sacrifice for others and a relationship as a whole, and that in itself has taken a toll. I LOVE serving others but sometimes it's nice to feel appreciated for the little things I do. That does not mean that I need a trophy every time I do an act of service as an expression of my love languages, it just means that every once in a while tell me you love me. There is only one friendship in my life thus far that was, to my knowledge and belief, one-hundred percent mutual and where I felt one-hundred percent loved. Considering that this relationship was approximately four years ago, it's hard not to desire these feelings again. I crave a relationship that doesn't require me to feel like I carry it eighty percent of the time. It sounds cheesy, and typical teenage girl, but one thing that I wish for is to not have to text first in every conversation. It's stupid I know, but in the age of technology a person like me (who would actually rather talk on the phone), is stuck texting people who end up not texting back anyway. And I will be the first to admit I'm not very good at texting back but even a five minute conversation that consist of nothing more than "hope you have a good day" or "thinking about you", not initiated by me, means the world. It's the little things that fill my heart with joy and this is why I wish I had someone who understood me and how I love and need to be loved. The little things, that's all I ask for, and in return I am working on trying to give you my heart. So please, be patient with me, I'm trying I really am! 

Thanks for letting me rant,

Kaitlyn

DISCLAIMER:

To my friends that are reading this and slightly hating me at the moment, I LOVE YOU and I always will, and this post does not mean that I resent you for anything. I am simply saying that I did/am doing a poor job at showing you my heart and I'm sorry for that, but I really am trying. And please know that this is not a cry for attention but simply the first step in a honest effort to start to reveal my heart to you. 

The Awesomeness that is Christian Community

What a blessing it is to be surrounded by a group of people that love me. But even better, is a group of people that love me AND Jesus! Currently I am a senior in high school, and the realization that soon I will not get to see these people every day is starting to set in and honestly, some days its really hard. I am blessed. Period. But one of the biggest blessings God has granted me is the community of believers that He has placed in my life. These people have poured into me, loved me, cared for me, and picked me up when life continues to knock me down. God's gift to me through these people is awesome! This last year especially has been tough, but it's also been filled with joy. The tough parts were a lot easier because of my sisters in Christ. These last few years many of my "childhood" friendships have dwindled but I have also grown some amazing friendships during this time. These relationships have given me the opportunity to love girls in a way I didn't even know I could, and others have allowed me to open up enough to let myself be loved by others.

Trust has always played a big part in how I love, but even more so when it comes to letting others love me. I am the first person to show you how much I love you, but allowing other people to break down the walls around my heart is a lot harder for me. In my small group we talked about how women instinctively love, our first thought is to give every ounce of our love to others, but when it comes time to let others in we hesitate more than we like to admit (or at least I do). I'll be the first to tell you that my heart is guarded more than Fort Knox, but I am really trying to change that. Working on my heart is another form of my love. If I trust you enough to TRY to break down my walls I promise, you are exponentially more important to me than I can ever say. It is possible for me to let people in, but it takes a lot, and the more vulnerable I become the scarier it is for me to imagine my life without you. Learning to give people bits and pieces of my heart is something the Lord is truly working on within me and I'm sure it won't ever be instinctive to simply hand over my heart to someone. But I know that God has brought certain people into my life that have earned and are yet to earn a key that unlocks my heart. I pray that everyone has someone that they let in eventually because I have been on the other end of loneliness and it the definition of horrible.

Loving others comes with consequences, but I have discovered that the good far outweigh the bad. Having people that bring Christ's love into my life is something I thank God for everyday. He gives me overabundant joy when it comes to those I love, and it is amazing to see Him work not only in my heart but theirs' as well. I have figured out that when love comes from the Holy Spirit it doesn't run out. Now that doesn't mean I don't have bad days or that I don't get mad, but my love never ends for these people, just as Christ never stops loving us.

So today I'm thankful for Christ's love for me and for His church. I'm thankful for Gabi, and Kylie and Adrienne. I'm thankful for Kenley and Mac. I am thankful for Missy, Seana, and Melissa, for Sam, Haliey, Abby, Kami and Avery. I'm thankful for Jenna and Natalie, for Kateri and Paisley and Kenzi. I'm thankful for Brittnee and Beca' for Sydeny, Karli and Jaci. For the joy that each of these women continuously bring me. Today I thank the Lord for each and every blessing He has given and is yet to give me in the form of everlasting love, and earthly friendships that lead into eternity.

Today I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams, and I wish you the same.

With lots of love and joy,
Kaitlyn