Feelings are Hard

What do you do when someone you love hurts your heart but don't know if they understand or care? What do you do when you love someone and you don't feel that love in return? 

Well if you have the answer please let me know because I keep asking myself and I'm not very good at coming up with any good answers.

In my last post I talked about how awesome community is, but I also told you how hard it is for me to let people into my heart. And today is a perfect example of just how hard it is to struggle to tell people what I really want to say. One of my biggest fears in life is being alone. In my deepest darkest, 2am thoughts, I am so afraid that I will end up living life with no one who loves me, and not just boy love, but friendships as well. I am terrified that the people I love most in my life will walk away when things get hard. This fear has been validated before, on account of both parties, but as a result I naturally fear that it will continue to happen throughout my life. Something ironic about me is that even though I am a generally "aggressive" person (or at least that's what the Facebook quizzes tell me), I don't particularly like conflict. This isn't because I want to avoid hard conversations, because let me tell you the conversation is the easy part, it's the aftermath that scares me. I have a hard time being honest with my feelings when I think a relationship is threatened because I would rather be a little "upset" with said person in my life than really sad without them. But along the way to where I am now, I've given up a lot of myself in order to sacrifice for others and a relationship as a whole, and that in itself has taken a toll. I LOVE serving others but sometimes it's nice to feel appreciated for the little things I do. That does not mean that I need a trophy every time I do an act of service as an expression of my love languages, it just means that every once in a while tell me you love me. There is only one friendship in my life thus far that was, to my knowledge and belief, one-hundred percent mutual and where I felt one-hundred percent loved. Considering that this relationship was approximately four years ago, it's hard not to desire these feelings again. I crave a relationship that doesn't require me to feel like I carry it eighty percent of the time. It sounds cheesy, and typical teenage girl, but one thing that I wish for is to not have to text first in every conversation. It's stupid I know, but in the age of technology a person like me (who would actually rather talk on the phone), is stuck texting people who end up not texting back anyway. And I will be the first to admit I'm not very good at texting back but even a five minute conversation that consist of nothing more than "hope you have a good day" or "thinking about you", not initiated by me, means the world. It's the little things that fill my heart with joy and this is why I wish I had someone who understood me and how I love and need to be loved. The little things, that's all I ask for, and in return I am working on trying to give you my heart. So please, be patient with me, I'm trying I really am! 

Thanks for letting me rant,

Kaitlyn

DISCLAIMER:

To my friends that are reading this and slightly hating me at the moment, I LOVE YOU and I always will, and this post does not mean that I resent you for anything. I am simply saying that I did/am doing a poor job at showing you my heart and I'm sorry for that, but I really am trying. And please know that this is not a cry for attention but simply the first step in a honest effort to start to reveal my heart to you.