If Only You Knew

Do you ever have those weeks where you just feel, blah? Well, sometimes I feel like I have days that lead to weeks that feel like overwhelming seasons of straight blah. These seasons are hard. The feelings that come along with these seasons are hard and they feel inescapable. But, in this season of my life, this blah feeling seems to ever ebb and flow. It feels like right when I get to the end of the tunnel and I can see the light everything goes dark. And once again I'm just stuck in these feelings.

I think every blah season I've experienced so far has come with different feelings. Currently, I've been trapped in this feeling of constant failure. In the last few months, I've been overwhelmed with the idea that the only thing I've done successfully is in fact fail. Failed at school, failed in raising money, failed in being healthy, failed in my friendships and especially failed at my relationship with God. It's like when one wave hits it just seems like one after the other and I am just purely inundated in a mess of a life that I have no control over and can't even stand on my feet long enough to make anything even remotely better.

And then He speaks to my heart...

In this very special season of life, I have the pure blessing of being totally and completely surrounded by teenage girls. Whether it be red jackets, basketball shorts or just having dinner, being around these people is one of my absolute favorite things. But the coolest thing I've experienced is while I feel like everywhere I turn I am pouring out every ounce of everything the Holy Spirit is giving me into these humans (and LOVING every second of it), in times when it's been my job to teach or direct them, these girls have taught me so stinking much. So often I hear my sweet girls say such mean and awful things not only to each other but to and about themselves. And every time my heart breaks more and more for them. Maybe its because I remember that age and what it was like to hate every single thing about who I was. And maybe its because I can't see them they way they see themselves because when I see these sweet humans I see nothing but God's unending grace, mercy, and powerful purpose and plan for their lives. And so often, literally so often, I just want to grab them by the shoulders, shake them and say, "Don't you know what you are worth?" I wish and hope and pray desperately for them to know how beautiful, capable, wonderful they are. My heart aches for them to see themselves how they were created and intended to be seen; perfectly imperfect beautiful creations of the Lord of all.

And then, I can't do anything but smile...

I hear the Lord whisper these words into my heart, broken and a mess. In my seemingly endless and purely overwhelming failure, "If only YOU knew." It is so easy for me to push myself aside and run to the side of others. And truthfully I would rather do that every time than take care of myself and deal with my messes. But, in this unbelievably beautiful season of un-busy, I am learning what it means to love myself so that my cup may be more full so that I can serve others better, more and deeper. In this blah season, while I am still extending myself grace, I'm also learning to push through these failures. Learning to drag myself out of my warm, cozy bed to spend time with the God who created it each morning. I'm learning what it means to want to be healthy even when I feel beautiful and how keeping a healthy body is glorifying the Lord's purpose for my life. And above all else, how loving myself equips me to love the people around me even more.

Lord thank you for the awesome gift of blah seasons that teach us more than we would like to admit. Thank you for pushing and pulling us all in your direction. And of course, thank you for your sacrifice on the Cross so that we can fail endlessly and still run into your arms.

With a humble, satisfied and still learning heart,
Kaitlyn

It's Just a Thing...

It's just a thing. This is what I have come to realize. Now don't get me wrong, it's a very cool thing, its a thing I'm very proud of, it's a thing that I have wanted for a very long time. But, it's still just a thing. I have wanted to be a Top Ten Freshman since I was about ten years old so you could say I've wanted this for as long as I can remember. I don't remember what it's like to not want to be a Top Ten. I chased and chased this thing. I lost a LOT of sleep, I wasted a LOT of my time, but, the Lord taught me SO MUCH through this experience.

On September 8th I turned in my application for Top Ten, on September 8th this is what I wrote in my journal:

"I turned in my Top Ten application today. It's so amazing to think that I've worked for this moment all year and it has finally come. It's also crazy to think how much my perception of this award has changed over that last year.
I came into college with a desperate and overwhelming desire to be known and wanted. And a year ago Kaitlyn thought the solution to these desires was to be a Top Ten freshman. I see now that I went about it all wrong. What I crave and desire is not some superficial name recognition, what I wanted (and still want) is to be intimately known and cared for by genuine people. This award can never give me that, not even in the slightest. 

I was talking to Sydney and Eden today in the computer room and I told them not to live their lives chasing after this award. In that moment, I was (and still am) a hypocrite. But I now know why I was given the same advice a year ago. It's because when I chase the award I lose sight of why I do things in the first place or do things for the wrong reasons altogether. I chased this award because I thought it would bring me some kind of twisted satisfaction or validation. But, instead, it brought me incredible heartache, pain, and overwhelming stress. Chasing this award caused me to change myself.  I thought that if I could survive the hell just so I can be a Top Ten, then it will all be worth it. And right now I don't know if it is or not. I know that through the trials that I brought upon myself God molded and changed my heart for His glory and purpose. But I also brought myself a lot of pain and heartache over something that won't mean a thing a year from now.

The advice I wish I would have received or listened to would be to do the things that I love. To really invest in the people around me. To genuinely seek the Lord above everything else, above sorority, above my friends, above my to-do list. I wish I would have listened when someone said, "Take care of yourself." But I didn't take that advice, I didn't listen when people I deeply love and that genuinely love me told me these things."

This journal entry truly sums up everything I have gone through in the last year. My heart has been pushed and pulled to look more like Jesus is the most awesome (and painful) ways. Chasing Top Ten I did lose part of myself, I lost the part of myself that put my identity in Jesus and what He did on the Cross. All because I wanted to be known. Like I wrote in my journal, I came to college with a desire that I desperately needed to be filled. I thought that if a stadium full of people heard my name and saw my face on a jumbotron then I would be known. I vividly remember one of my first weeks in college, I was sitting on the floor bawling to my mom on the phone talking to her about how desperately I wanted people to notice me. A year ago Kaitlyn just wanted someone to look at her and say, "You are awesome and more people should know that." I just wanted people to see me. But Kaitlyn now understands that I wanted to be seen in all the wrong ways. Standing on the field this afternoon surround by 50,000 people who heard my name and cheered for me didn't really mean anything because they don't know me. They may know who I am but they don't know me. They don't know my heart and most of them never will. Those people who watched me be recognized will never know what my chasing cost me, they don't appreciate everything I did to get my spot on that field. But, they don't have to. While I still have a need to be known and wanted, I understand now that there are people in my life that really truly care about me. And these people do know me. They know my heart, they know my quirks, and they choose to love me still. That is something this award could never ever give me.

Through my chasing I went through some really hard times, some of the most difficult seasons of my entire walk with the Lord. I learned some pretty powerful lessons but on the flip side, I get to fall in love with my God more and more every day because of these trials that turned into teaching points. One of the most special things we get to do with our God is fail. In this season (and this life) I have failed a lot! The Lord lets us fail because He lets us choose. But even when we don't choose Him, two things happen in spite of that choice: He uses the circumstances we put ourselves in and He chases after us no matter what. Our God is so big and so merciful He allows us to mess up so that we may see His goodness even more. This doesn't make up for our sin, and it doesn't excuse our future choices to sin, but it does mean that when I fall short He takes up the slack. In these times of failure, in sinful decisions and in pure and utter refusal to listen to the quiet voice of the Lord telling me I am enough in Him, He still forgives and still works to make my heart more like His.

A few months ago someone asked me if I ended up becoming a Top Ten would everything I put myself through be worth it. I thought that on this night I would have a clear answer. I thought that after doing the thing I would be able to definitively say, "yes" or "no." But, I can't. From my tiny human perspective, my ego and pride scream "yes." But the humble Spirit inside of me whispers "no." But, me in the form of a broken Godly woman doesn't know if there really is a right answer. Because while I made mistakes and I went about things the wrong way at times, sometimes I did get it right. In some moments I did things for the right reason, for God's glory. But in the moments I didn't God still used them to shape my heart to look more like His, and I can't say that is ever a bad thing.

My advice and words of wisdom for anyone chasing something of this world, regardless of what it is, honestly evaluate with yourself if you are doing things for the right reasons or if you're just doing them to get your "thing." Things are not inherently bad, they become bad when they become more important than our purpose to bring glory to our Creator. And, if your thing is anything like mine, you shouldn't have to chase it. If by doing the things you do and doing them because you enjoy them is enough then let it be enough, and if it's not enough let it not be enough. Sometimes we fall short. Period. It happens, but don't let your so-called "shortcomings" allow you to question God's goodness or His perfect plan for your life because sometimes we fall short and God is glorified even more than if we get what we thought we needed or deserved. The things in our life cannot define us because God declared long ago that we are His. Because of this, we can let go of the expectations laid on us by the world (and ourselves). Trust God with your thing, He won't take you down the wrong path. I'm not saying that whatever path is laid out for you will be easy, what I am saying is that it will be worth it.

My prayer for you tonight, and every night, is to chase after the one thing that matter, God and His purpose for you. Everything else will come, in His perfect timing.

With a humble heart,
Kaitlyn

A Thousand Times I Failed, Still Your Mercy Remains

This has been a really tough season for me. I've been in a dark place for the last few months and I've felt like there was no way out. I hoped with all my heart that this summer would refresh me, but it didn't. I dug myself a hole so deep it felt like I would never get out of it. I have failed so much and so often I felt as if I was too far away for even God to reach me. And then I started listening...

Should I stumble again, still I'm caught in your grace

I started to listen and respond to the truth that I know in my head and little by little I'm letting it sink back into my heart. Slowly I have begun to be still in His presence and learn how to be overwhelmed with His mercy. For so long I've felt that I was too far gone that God's grace was too good for me to even receive. Oh, how wrong I was. I thank the Lord for His unending mercy and never failing grace because I am just now realizing once again that infinite truly means no limit. When He tells me I am set free from my sin because of what He did on the cross I fall at His feet every time. This season has been so hard for me because I have watched my heart go dark, I watched the person I was becoming look less and less like me, I watched as my connection and relationship with my creator hung by a single thread. I have been attacked by the devil more in these last five months than I have ever been in my lifetime. Spiritual warfare is so real, more real than I ever imagined and the devil has a way of twisting what we think and feel into something so terrible that we are willing to run away from the God of redemption and healing. But I'm not running anymore...

Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades

He is with me always, God's wants to be with me. If I'm being totally honest I have sat down time and time again over these last five months to put these words on a page, and every time nothing came out. But I know now that in those moments I wasn't ready to accept the grace that the Lord never stopped extending to me, but I'm ready now. I'm running as hard and fast as I can into the arms of my creator. It has been beautiful, it has been painful and it's not over yet. I am so broken, in all honesty, broken beyond repair. But, in His kindness and glory, the God of everything was willing to die so that all brokenness would be restored, and I'm so thankful I get to take part in it.

Neverending, your glory goes beyond all fame.

For the first time in so long, I feel like myself again. I feel the Holy Spirit at work in my heart, moving me to work for the glory of God's kingdom. To reach out and touch others so that He can be known. For the first time in what seems like forever I feel free. Free to be happy, free to have joy, free to love other people. And I can't put into words how incredible of a feeling that truly has been. Our God is so good, more than I will ever know or be able to fathom, but in this moment and every one after I wouldn't want it any other way. 

With an overflowing and gentle love,

Kaitlyn  

When God Heals a Heart

I've been in a really dark place. My first year of college was so much fun, filled with exciting and new adventures, and lots of great people. But, I ignored the most important thing of all, me. I put aside myself and my needs on a daily basis, in every shape and form that needs can come in.

Sleeping....at max six hours (on a good night)

Eating.....making the worst possible choices

Resting......going non-stop for the last ten months

Spending time with the Lord......non-existent

Taking care of myself.....I've forgotten how

When I say I wrecked myself, I mean that in its purest, most, real form. I was scattered all over the place, my heart in pieces and a darkness that seemed never-ending. I begged and pleaded and wanted more than anything for this dark, hard-heartedness to abandon my soul but I couldn't find a way out. I desperately tried to fix my broken heart on my own and no matter what I tried I could never keep all of the tiny pieces together. I ran myself so ragged with stress, and priorities, and worrying about everyone else but myself. I forgot what it felt like to be overflowing with joy. I couldn't remember how to want to love and serve others in its purest form. I was unable to connect with the One person who loves even the deepest darkest parts of me.

My cup was completely empty.

My heart was in a million pieces.

I felt like this sadness would never end, until about a week ago. Last Sunday I sat in a room full of people, in the most unlikely setting and realized that God had answered my prayers. I fought back tears as I searched for the burden on my heart that was no longer there.

My cup was no longer empty.

My heart, in all its pieces, had been put back together.

I truly believe that the Lord touches lives and changes hearts in the most simple and beautiful ways. And for me, my heart just had to be in a million tiny, little pieces before that could happen. But what I am most thankful for is that through my brokenness, through my despair, through my shattered and heart, God has created something beautiful within me. He has chosen to continue to work and touch lives through the Holy Spirit even in these painful times. But the coolest part of it all is when He put my heart back together, even though it may be in many pieces, He created a beautiful masterpiece. Something so beautiful that it can only shine for His glory, and I hope with all my heart I do it justice. And while I am not naive enough to think that this is the last time my heart will be broken and reshaped, I do know that it will still be beautiful and still very, very good.


With lots of love and reshaped heart,
Kaitlyn