It's Just a Thing...

It's just a thing. This is what I have come to realize. Now don't get me wrong, it's a very cool thing, its a thing I'm very proud of, it's a thing that I have wanted for a very long time. But, it's still just a thing. I have wanted to be a Top Ten Freshman since I was about ten years old so you could say I've wanted this for as long as I can remember. I don't remember what it's like to not want to be a Top Ten. I chased and chased this thing. I lost a LOT of sleep, I wasted a LOT of my time, but, the Lord taught me SO MUCH through this experience.

On September 8th I turned in my application for Top Ten, on September 8th this is what I wrote in my journal:

"I turned in my Top Ten application today. It's so amazing to think that I've worked for this moment all year and it has finally come. It's also crazy to think how much my perception of this award has changed over that last year.
I came into college with a desperate and overwhelming desire to be known and wanted. And a year ago Kaitlyn thought the solution to these desires was to be a Top Ten freshman. I see now that I went about it all wrong. What I crave and desire is not some superficial name recognition, what I wanted (and still want) is to be intimately known and cared for by genuine people. This award can never give me that, not even in the slightest. 

I was talking to Sydney and Eden today in the computer room and I told them not to live their lives chasing after this award. In that moment, I was (and still am) a hypocrite. But I now know why I was given the same advice a year ago. It's because when I chase the award I lose sight of why I do things in the first place or do things for the wrong reasons altogether. I chased this award because I thought it would bring me some kind of twisted satisfaction or validation. But, instead, it brought me incredible heartache, pain, and overwhelming stress. Chasing this award caused me to change myself.  I thought that if I could survive the hell just so I can be a Top Ten, then it will all be worth it. And right now I don't know if it is or not. I know that through the trials that I brought upon myself God molded and changed my heart for His glory and purpose. But I also brought myself a lot of pain and heartache over something that won't mean a thing a year from now.

The advice I wish I would have received or listened to would be to do the things that I love. To really invest in the people around me. To genuinely seek the Lord above everything else, above sorority, above my friends, above my to-do list. I wish I would have listened when someone said, "Take care of yourself." But I didn't take that advice, I didn't listen when people I deeply love and that genuinely love me told me these things."

This journal entry truly sums up everything I have gone through in the last year. My heart has been pushed and pulled to look more like Jesus is the most awesome (and painful) ways. Chasing Top Ten I did lose part of myself, I lost the part of myself that put my identity in Jesus and what He did on the Cross. All because I wanted to be known. Like I wrote in my journal, I came to college with a desire that I desperately needed to be filled. I thought that if a stadium full of people heard my name and saw my face on a jumbotron then I would be known. I vividly remember one of my first weeks in college, I was sitting on the floor bawling to my mom on the phone talking to her about how desperately I wanted people to notice me. A year ago Kaitlyn just wanted someone to look at her and say, "You are awesome and more people should know that." I just wanted people to see me. But Kaitlyn now understands that I wanted to be seen in all the wrong ways. Standing on the field this afternoon surround by 50,000 people who heard my name and cheered for me didn't really mean anything because they don't know me. They may know who I am but they don't know me. They don't know my heart and most of them never will. Those people who watched me be recognized will never know what my chasing cost me, they don't appreciate everything I did to get my spot on that field. But, they don't have to. While I still have a need to be known and wanted, I understand now that there are people in my life that really truly care about me. And these people do know me. They know my heart, they know my quirks, and they choose to love me still. That is something this award could never ever give me.

Through my chasing I went through some really hard times, some of the most difficult seasons of my entire walk with the Lord. I learned some pretty powerful lessons but on the flip side, I get to fall in love with my God more and more every day because of these trials that turned into teaching points. One of the most special things we get to do with our God is fail. In this season (and this life) I have failed a lot! The Lord lets us fail because He lets us choose. But even when we don't choose Him, two things happen in spite of that choice: He uses the circumstances we put ourselves in and He chases after us no matter what. Our God is so big and so merciful He allows us to mess up so that we may see His goodness even more. This doesn't make up for our sin, and it doesn't excuse our future choices to sin, but it does mean that when I fall short He takes up the slack. In these times of failure, in sinful decisions and in pure and utter refusal to listen to the quiet voice of the Lord telling me I am enough in Him, He still forgives and still works to make my heart more like His.

A few months ago someone asked me if I ended up becoming a Top Ten would everything I put myself through be worth it. I thought that on this night I would have a clear answer. I thought that after doing the thing I would be able to definitively say, "yes" or "no." But, I can't. From my tiny human perspective, my ego and pride scream "yes." But the humble Spirit inside of me whispers "no." But, me in the form of a broken Godly woman doesn't know if there really is a right answer. Because while I made mistakes and I went about things the wrong way at times, sometimes I did get it right. In some moments I did things for the right reason, for God's glory. But in the moments I didn't God still used them to shape my heart to look more like His, and I can't say that is ever a bad thing.

My advice and words of wisdom for anyone chasing something of this world, regardless of what it is, honestly evaluate with yourself if you are doing things for the right reasons or if you're just doing them to get your "thing." Things are not inherently bad, they become bad when they become more important than our purpose to bring glory to our Creator. And, if your thing is anything like mine, you shouldn't have to chase it. If by doing the things you do and doing them because you enjoy them is enough then let it be enough, and if it's not enough let it not be enough. Sometimes we fall short. Period. It happens, but don't let your so-called "shortcomings" allow you to question God's goodness or His perfect plan for your life because sometimes we fall short and God is glorified even more than if we get what we thought we needed or deserved. The things in our life cannot define us because God declared long ago that we are His. Because of this, we can let go of the expectations laid on us by the world (and ourselves). Trust God with your thing, He won't take you down the wrong path. I'm not saying that whatever path is laid out for you will be easy, what I am saying is that it will be worth it.

My prayer for you tonight, and every night, is to chase after the one thing that matter, God and His purpose for you. Everything else will come, in His perfect timing.

With a humble heart,
Kaitlyn