We've Moved!

Hello, faithful blog readers! I am so excited to share that Be the Kind of Woman has moved to a new space (a Squarespace to be exact). To find the newest and up-to-date blogs (and more!!) be sure to check out:

bethekindofwoman.com

I am humbled that you have continued to follow along with me on this crazy life journey and I can't wait to see all the new things God has in store for me. Be sure to check out the new site and all of the new things that are coming!

Love,
Kaitlyn

I am Enough.

I am enough.


You have no idea how long it took me to say that out loud. To be okay with that coming out of my mouth. For me to believe it was true even a little bit.


Enough.


My greatest desire is for someone to look at me and say, "Where you stand in this moment you are enough." I want desperately to be released from the chains of expectations that I locked myself into all in hopes that I would one day reach the finish line. Then I would finally be enough. When I become a Top Ten Freshman, once that happens I will finally be enough.


Well...that didn't work.


What if I try really hard to love everyone in my life, then that has to be enough right?


Whoops...that didn't work either.


Okay then let's try to lose weight and then I will be enough.


Nope.


So I met this boy...


No ma'am.


I think I'm going to try...


It's not enough. It won't ever be enough.


The endless running cannot change a single bit of me. It can't make me greater, it won't increase my value, it won't push me toward Jesus. It will wreck my heart. It will allow lies in between what God says is true and what I think about me. So badly I want someone to say, "Whether you run the race or not, you are still enough. Nothing can change that. You don't have to prove yourself."


And then I turn and see Jesus staring into my eyes, hold my hands and saying those exact words. 


But then he says something else. He says, "Kaitlyn, you don't have to be enough because I am. I take up your slack, I fill in the gaps where you fall short. You can't expect yourself to take my place. You were designed for beautiful things but definitely not that."


How beautiful, how peaceful, how freeing. I don't have to be enough because Jesus already is. Thank you Lord for that! We have nothing to prove because there is no room for that with Jesus in our lives. I am enough because He makes me whole. God uses our mess and our mess-ups even when they seem irredeemable. No matter what choices we make God holds our hand and uses us anyway because we are wrapped in His grace. He says, "My power is made perfect in weakness" (1 Corinthians 12:9). When we believe that, and I mean really believe it, like live in freedom believe it, He moves mountains in our hearts and lives.


It is so much easier said than done. To hold onto that Truth about me as a Creation of God, as a Daughter of the King, as an irredeemable but redeemed sinner. God looks at each of us and says, "I am enough, so you don't have to be." That is freedom, that is Truth, that is grace. We get to hold onto this our whole lives with a white-knuckled grip, we get to be tethered to who Jesus says we are. When we believe this, the Spirit uses us in beautiful ways and when we don't the Spirit uses us in beautiful ways. But when we believe in the deepest parts of our hearts that what God says is true we get to shake off those locked down chains of expectation and live in a way that invites other people to know Jesus too.

Lord, thank you for taking this burden from me. God, I beg that you continue to take it from me each time I reach for it. Like a patient Father, you kindly take it away from me each time. You keep telling me who I am and what you created me for. Lord, thank you for sending your Son to clean up my mess. Spirit, remind me what is true, teach me to live freely, allow me to believe it in my heart not just my head. 

In Your Son's Name. Amen. 

All my love,
Kaitlyn

A Letter to the Girl Who Has to Be...

To the Girl Who Has to Be,


Where do I even begin?


My sweet friend, you are so wonderful, more than you can ever understand. But you don't always feel that way. Sometimes it feels like your trapped. It feels like the weight of the world is bearing down on your shoulders and you can't escape it, because you are the girl that has to be strong. And being strong means that you can't let all the other people in the world know that you feel every emotion running through your body. Being strong means that when the world turns upside down, as the one who is holding everything up, if you drop even a little bit the small shelter you provide others will shatter just like everything else.


Sometimes to be the girl that has to be means when you are struggling, I mean really struggling, the kind of struggling so hard that you can't even form the words kind of struggling, you have no one to turn to. Because you're the girl who has to be perfect. And to be perfect means to never need anything from anyone, to be able to go through everything life throws at you and seem completely unscathed to the rest of the world. It feels like no matter what you do, or say, or accomplish, you will never be enough.


Sometimes to be the girl who has to be is cramming yourself in a box. The type of box that other people have created with beautiful and intricate ideas and designs. These boxes were created with the best intentions at heart but it's just not quite the fit for you. Sometimes these boxes are so small you overflow out of them and feel like you are way too much for the people in your life. But other times the boxes are so stinking big they swallow you right up and before long you feel as if you just fade into the background, forgotten and filled with disappointment. But you're the girl who has to be the people pleaser, so you take it, moment after moment, day after day until you can't take it anymore.


I know exactly what it feels like to be the girl who has to be because I am that girl. I'm the girl that bears the weight of the world on her shoulders. I'm the girl that feels like perfection is the only option in order to be loved. I'm the girl that both overflows and gets swallowed up by the boxes others have created. But I don't want to be her anymore, and the best part is I don't have to be.


But, I want to ask you a question. Who told you, you have to be? Who said you had to bear the weight of the world all on your own? Who told you that perfection was the only option? Who told you what box you had to live in forever? Can I let you in on a secret? Most of the time, if we're really honest with ourselves, the answers to these questions is us. Yes, people will ask us for help, but when did it become our responsibility to hold the world in the process? Yes, we want to present ourselves in a good way but when did our self-presentation transform into the need to satisfy an insatiable standard? Yes, we want to please the people in our lives but why do we have to give up living for ourselves to please everyone else?


It took a long (and I mean looonggg) time for me to grasp this. It took even longer for me to let go of that girl. But I definitely didn't do it on my own.


Now, I have a friend. This friendship is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But, my friend and I have only recently become friends because our relationship got off to a bit of a rocky start. But, I want to go ahead and introduce you to her. My friend's name is grace. Grace and I have a mutual friend, Jesus, He is the one who introduced me to her actually. He told me all about her and let us get acquainted. But when grace and I first met it felt too good to be true. I kept waiting for her to slip up and say something mean about me or point out one of my many flaws. I expected her to finally see what I saw, my mess and my mess ups and just waited for her to walk out of the doorway of my life. But I realize now that the reason grace and I didn't become friends at first, wasn't her fault, it was mine.

Some of my first encounters with my friend grace went a little something like this:

In all of her kindness and love, grace would tell me things like "You don't have to, you know, put the entire world (and its problems) on your back," and she even tried to tell me that wasn't my job! She told me all about how I have to share the load and let others help. When she told me this I looked in her eyes and laughed in her face because everyone knows that I the best problem fixer there is, so why shouldn't I help everyone in my life?

Another time she told me that "Perfection is overrated!" How outrageous is that? Everyone knows that being perfect is what gets us everything we want in life. Because when we're perfect everything works out for us, we get the best job and the cutest house and the ideal man. Perfection is the standard, there is nothing else. But get this, then she tried to tell me that messing up is normal, but who wants to be normal anyway?

And then, she told me that I didn't have to fulfill everyone's expectations of me. But she obviously doesn't know that people pleasing is something I excell at! And, when I satisfy the expectations of other people I don't even have to worry about setting any for myself, and that is real freedom.

When grace first starting speaking the Truth into my life, I was not in a place where could hear her because I didn't want to. I thought that being the girl that has to be was a pretty good gig honestly until it stopped being good and started to get really, really, hard. The most beautiful thing about grace is that she never stops. Never stops loving me, pursuing me, encouraging me and showing me what it means to let Jesus have control. The truth is, I didn't want grace to release me from being the girl that has to be because I had the control. As grace poured over me I realized that to take her hand meant that I had to let go of the death grip I had on my life. I thought that as long as everything was in my hands everything would be fine, I could pretend to be perfect in public and cry myself to sleep in private. I thought that as long as everyone around me believed that I really could hold the world then maybe, just maybe, I could.

What a horrible burden.

For all of my sweet friends that know my story too well, let go. PLEASE let go. Release yourself from the burden of the world, the lie of perfection and the trap of expectations. The Lord of all Creation has called us (yes you and me!) because of His grace and His love. And what He says about us is that we are ENOUGH, we are WORTH IT and we are SO LOVED. There is no burden in that, none and at. There is freedom in the Cross and how Jesus laid down His life for your's and mine. If no one else will let me tell you, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE, and that's the end of the story. You and all of your wonderful, beautiful and perfectly-imperfection are all that the Lord wants, and all He needs to fulfill your ultimate purpose: to glorify, serve and love Him. Let that be all you have to be.

Lord I pray for the girls that have to be. I beg you to lead them to the light of freeing and redeeming grace that washes over us. God I ask that you whisper the Truth to them as they learn what it means to be okay with messes and mess ups. Holy Spirit move them toward their ultimate purpose and away from the lies of burden and perfection and expecations. Jesus thank you for taking our place on the Cross so that we get to make friends with grace. Thank you for your unending love.

 In Your Son's name. Amen.

All my love,

Kaitlyn

Summer of Lessons, Listening and Ultimately, Rest

This summer has been WILD. It's been so good, so hard and so very far out of my comfort zone, but nonetheless beautiful. Over the last two months, I have been more isolated from my people than I ever have been before. It was the strangest thing to still be in Oklahoma and feel a million miles away, and its been even harder being in Milwaukee, 680 miles away. But, I have learned so much about God's faithfulness in such a special way. Working sixteen-hour days, pouring into middle schoolers and sleeping on cheap dorm room beds all have definitely added to the adventures. I knew that spending a summer with FOCUS would be awesome but I didn't realize how much I would grow.

Being with students for basically a full month was hard. I absolutely loved every second of it but it was taxing. The reality of knowing something and experiencing it are two totally different things. Knowing that Oklahoma has a messed up education system has never been surprising to me, but to see it and to grapple with the reality of it hit me way harder than I ever imagined. Watching student after student struggle to write a simple sentence, or misspell even the simplest of words broke down my heart bit by bit. But everything came crashing down when the reality of life at home for my students came to the forefront. Hearing of their heartache and hardships even as, twelve, thirteen, fourteen-year-olds shatters every piece of my heart. The crazy thing is when my world got turned on its head in the midsts of camp. When I questioned my purpose and desire to teach more than I ever had before, being with my students pulled me back to the reality of why the Lord pulled me in the direction of teaching in the first place. And the coolest part, the Lord was waiting, arms wide open, ready for my return.

Heading back to Milwaukee was what we all needed. Physically and emotionally exhausted from giving all we had to these students, I know I needed the break. But being in the city has had its own set of unique challenges. Going from sixteen-hours days and no time to myself to working normal hours and lots of free time threw me through a whirlwind for sure. But the craziest thing is, for the first time in my life I feel rested. This is because for the first time in my life I've been forced to rest. With everyone I love is completely out of reach I had to find ways to entertain myself. And the beautiful part about this is that meant I have to deal with why I haven't been resting in the first place. Why have I been running from being filled up? But in these moments the Lord is whispering the sweet Truth to me. He is reminding me and reaffirming me that, me, by myself, with nothing to hold onto, nothing to hide in and no to-do list to run to, I am enough. And this reality has rocked me to my core. The Lord, in all of His patience and endless love, scooped me up dragged me across the country and placed me in a quiet single room dorm on UWM's campus all so He could tell me these things. Oh, how cool is that!

Resting is so important, I know that. I HAVE known that, but now I understand it. I understand that resting isn't selfish, it's life-giving, it's freeing and it's necessary! But the cool thing is, Jesus knew this all along. He has whispered it to me for years, preparing me for this moment. Preparing me for the season that I know I will need it in and all of the seasons to come. He loves me enough to let me figure all of this out on my own. To stumble through the mess of a life that I've built and to point me in the direction that leads to Him. How thankful am I that we have a Savior that does this for us, and in my case, does it over and over again.

Lord, I ask that through this season of isolation, of quietness and rest, that you would prepare me to face what is coming. Teach me again how to go back to my "normal" but only in a way that shows me what it means to rest in you and with you. Spirit guide me, take hold of my heart and move my feet in that direction, because we know I won't do it on my own. Lord thank you for the people in my life that have continued to remind me of this. Thank you for their willingness to push me toward rest, keep my ears and heart open to these words of Truth as they continue to speak them to me. Lord thank you for your grace. Grace with me and my decisions, for my lack of listening and for my desire to do what I wanted, even when I knew what would happen. Thank you for loving me enough to take my place on the Cross. Thank you for dying the death that I deserved (and still do). Thank you for seasons with big and in-your-face lessons and thank you for seasons with subtle and quiet ones. Thank you for your love for me.

In your Son's name. Amen. 

All my love,
Kaitlyn

Unbusy is Beautiful: The first chapter in taking back my life

I've always been a busybody. I've always loved running around doing the things, talking to all the people and crossing off each item on my to-do list. And then, all of a sudden I didn't. All at once I got really, REALLY tired and busy got really, really hard. I realized my soul was in need of repair.

It's like that one time when you forgot that you had like one-sixteenth of a tank of gas and you still went to Walmart and Hobby Lobby and Aspen and then while headed to your last stop you realize you only have like 7 miles left in your car. And all of a sudden you get really scared, you frantically search for the closest gas station and barely make it to the pump. And all of a sudden you're consumed by the tears because your heart feels as empty as your gas tank and you don't know how to do anything other than sit in your car and cry as your tank gets filled up but you still sit on empty.

Or maybe it's like the time you took that personality test with your friends because how else are you supposed to avoid your responsibilities? You get your results back and you're not surprised that the picture for your personality is this guy (see below).

And of course in this moment when everything is under control you laugh and even brag at how good you are at balancing all the things in your life. But then all of a sudden someone hands you one too many things, it knocks everything out of your hands and you can't do anything but watch it all fall to the floor. You throw your hands up in defeat, overwhelmed by your seemingly all-consuming failure. You're so frustrated you ignore all of your responsibilities and find yourself sitting on the floor of your dorm room crying on the phone to your mom.

Then the next day you wake up and do it all again, and again, and then a couple more times in a seemingly never-ending cycle. 

Well if you haven't figured out yet, being busy is tiring. And I don't say this meaning, "Wow being busy is SOOOOO hard, everyone should feel sorry for me and acknowledge my busyness." I say this with an overwhelmed sigh of despair that can't say anything other than, "I'm so busy and I can't escape."

The glorification of busy is one of my least favorite things about my generation. Our obsession with busyness has become so commonplace when we answer the question, "How are you?" our initial reaction is "Busy, you?" and we ignore the person we asked the question to because we don't have time to listen. Or at least that's what we tell ourselves. 

My friends have often called me a "Campus Climber." This is a term used on my college campus to describe the individuals who do all the things, and earn all the awards, and know every person they run into. But in my opinion, Campus Climbing is the most dangerous sport of them all. We have taught ourselves that if we can somehow add one more thing to our list of stuff, get that one last award (who are we kidding), then we can show the whole world that we're the busiest of them all, and then and only then we are good enough. Well let me tell you, this campus climber has entered retirement! And oh how much fun it has been! I'll be honest with you, letting go is SO STINKING HARD. Because the thing is I know I could but the question is should I do/apply/run for the next thing. And I answer that question with these questions:

Is it something that glorifies God's and fulfills His purpose for my life? 

Do I ACTUALLY have the time?

Nine times out of ten, the answers no. But about 7 out of 10 times I really, REALLY want to say yes. But let me let you in on a secret, unbusy is SO beautiful! There is SO MUCH FREEDOM in unbusy. Freedom to spend time with my people, freedom to read a book when I want to, freedom to hang out with the Lord in the quiet moments that used to be filled with stuff. I hope everyone gets to experience unbusy in their lifetime! And this doesn't mean that I've stopped doing things all together because the same way I don't believe overly busy is good for the heart the same can be said for not doing anything at all. I was created for a special and unique purpose and so were you, and God uses the stuff in our lives to put forth His kingdom in the world. How cool is that? But just like we have to steward our money so we can pay rent and buy our coffee, we have to steward our time too. And unbusy means pouring out the love the Spirit gives me for others and loving them well, but it also means taking time for me to fill up, to be poured into and the seek Jesus and all the incredible things about Him! 

In this season of unbusy, the Lord has given me such special and sweet gifts. He is teaching me that mornings are my ish, and that watching the sunrise is something new and beautiful every single day! He's teaching me that sonic is my favorite place for life talks, loving on people and laughing about all the awkward things that happen in life. In these moments, sweet, empty, quiet moments that have previously been filled with all kinds of stuff, I get to share new and awesome friendships with people and grow the ones that were already there. God is using my unbusyness for His glory and purpose, and He's using my story to love on my really busy people. The Lord's faithfulness to me in a time where I did nothing but run away from Him is truly overwhelming. When I wrecked my heart, sat in my mess and felt out of His reach, He came to me, sat with me and took my hand and said, "You are never too far gone, and I'm always here." How crazy is that! Jesus came to me, chased after me, even when I was full on sprinting the other direction. This is the God that we get to serve, love and worship. The Lord of all things is waiting for us with open arms, even in our busyness. Even when life gets hard. And especially when we want to do anything but run into those open, loving, grace-filled arms. I can do nothing but count it all as joy!

Lord, thank you for truly unending mercy. Thank you for abounding grace that reaches into the darkest of tunnels and deeps pits. Thank you for seeking us even when that's the last thing we want to do. Thank you for busy seasons that teach painful and powerful lessons. And thank you for unbusy seasons that let us fall into your grace and sink deep into it. Thank you for pouring out love into us especially when we don't deserve it. And above all else, thank you for the Cross, your sacrifice, and your Son, the greatest love of all. In your Son's name we pray!

With joy, love and an unbusy heart,

Kaitlyn

If Only You Knew

Do you ever have those weeks where you just feel, blah? Well, sometimes I feel like I have days that lead to weeks that feel like overwhelming seasons of straight blah. These seasons are hard. The feelings that come along with these seasons are hard and they feel inescapable. But, in this season of my life, this blah feeling seems to ever ebb and flow. It feels like right when I get to the end of the tunnel and I can see the light everything goes dark. And once again I'm just stuck in these feelings.

I think every blah season I've experienced so far has come with different feelings. Currently, I've been trapped in this feeling of constant failure. In the last few months, I've been overwhelmed with the idea that the only thing I've done successfully is in fact fail. Failed at school, failed in raising money, failed in being healthy, failed in my friendships and especially failed at my relationship with God. It's like when one wave hits it just seems like one after the other and I am just purely inundated in a mess of a life that I have no control over and can't even stand on my feet long enough to make anything even remotely better.

And then He speaks to my heart...

In this very special season of life, I have the pure blessing of being totally and completely surrounded by teenage girls. Whether it be red jackets, basketball shorts or just having dinner, being around these people is one of my absolute favorite things. But the coolest thing I've experienced is while I feel like everywhere I turn I am pouring out every ounce of everything the Holy Spirit is giving me into these humans (and LOVING every second of it), in times when it's been my job to teach or direct them, these girls have taught me so stinking much. So often I hear my sweet girls say such mean and awful things not only to each other but to and about themselves. And every time my heart breaks more and more for them. Maybe its because I remember that age and what it was like to hate every single thing about who I was. And maybe its because I can't see them they way they see themselves because when I see these sweet humans I see nothing but God's unending grace, mercy, and powerful purpose and plan for their lives. And so often, literally so often, I just want to grab them by the shoulders, shake them and say, "Don't you know what you are worth?" I wish and hope and pray desperately for them to know how beautiful, capable, wonderful they are. My heart aches for them to see themselves how they were created and intended to be seen; perfectly imperfect beautiful creations of the Lord of all.

And then, I can't do anything but smile...

I hear the Lord whisper these words into my heart, broken and a mess. In my seemingly endless and purely overwhelming failure, "If only YOU knew." It is so easy for me to push myself aside and run to the side of others. And truthfully I would rather do that every time than take care of myself and deal with my messes. But, in this unbelievably beautiful season of un-busy, I am learning what it means to love myself so that my cup may be more full so that I can serve others better, more and deeper. In this blah season, while I am still extending myself grace, I'm also learning to push through these failures. Learning to drag myself out of my warm, cozy bed to spend time with the God who created it each morning. I'm learning what it means to want to be healthy even when I feel beautiful and how keeping a healthy body is glorifying the Lord's purpose for my life. And above all else, how loving myself equips me to love the people around me even more.

Lord thank you for the awesome gift of blah seasons that teach us more than we would like to admit. Thank you for pushing and pulling us all in your direction. And of course, thank you for your sacrifice on the Cross so that we can fail endlessly and still run into your arms.

With a humble, satisfied and still learning heart,
Kaitlyn

It's Just a Thing...

It's just a thing. This is what I have come to realize. Now don't get me wrong, it's a very cool thing, its a thing I'm very proud of, it's a thing that I have wanted for a very long time. But, it's still just a thing. I have wanted to be a Top Ten Freshman since I was about ten years old so you could say I've wanted this for as long as I can remember. I don't remember what it's like to not want to be a Top Ten. I chased and chased this thing. I lost a LOT of sleep, I wasted a LOT of my time, but, the Lord taught me SO MUCH through this experience.

On September 8th I turned in my application for Top Ten, on September 8th this is what I wrote in my journal:

"I turned in my Top Ten application today. It's so amazing to think that I've worked for this moment all year and it has finally come. It's also crazy to think how much my perception of this award has changed over that last year.
I came into college with a desperate and overwhelming desire to be known and wanted. And a year ago Kaitlyn thought the solution to these desires was to be a Top Ten freshman. I see now that I went about it all wrong. What I crave and desire is not some superficial name recognition, what I wanted (and still want) is to be intimately known and cared for by genuine people. This award can never give me that, not even in the slightest. 

I was talking to Sydney and Eden today in the computer room and I told them not to live their lives chasing after this award. In that moment, I was (and still am) a hypocrite. But I now know why I was given the same advice a year ago. It's because when I chase the award I lose sight of why I do things in the first place or do things for the wrong reasons altogether. I chased this award because I thought it would bring me some kind of twisted satisfaction or validation. But, instead, it brought me incredible heartache, pain, and overwhelming stress. Chasing this award caused me to change myself.  I thought that if I could survive the hell just so I can be a Top Ten, then it will all be worth it. And right now I don't know if it is or not. I know that through the trials that I brought upon myself God molded and changed my heart for His glory and purpose. But I also brought myself a lot of pain and heartache over something that won't mean a thing a year from now.

The advice I wish I would have received or listened to would be to do the things that I love. To really invest in the people around me. To genuinely seek the Lord above everything else, above sorority, above my friends, above my to-do list. I wish I would have listened when someone said, "Take care of yourself." But I didn't take that advice, I didn't listen when people I deeply love and that genuinely love me told me these things."

This journal entry truly sums up everything I have gone through in the last year. My heart has been pushed and pulled to look more like Jesus is the most awesome (and painful) ways. Chasing Top Ten I did lose part of myself, I lost the part of myself that put my identity in Jesus and what He did on the Cross. All because I wanted to be known. Like I wrote in my journal, I came to college with a desire that I desperately needed to be filled. I thought that if a stadium full of people heard my name and saw my face on a jumbotron then I would be known. I vividly remember one of my first weeks in college, I was sitting on the floor bawling to my mom on the phone talking to her about how desperately I wanted people to notice me. A year ago Kaitlyn just wanted someone to look at her and say, "You are awesome and more people should know that." I just wanted people to see me. But Kaitlyn now understands that I wanted to be seen in all the wrong ways. Standing on the field this afternoon surround by 50,000 people who heard my name and cheered for me didn't really mean anything because they don't know me. They may know who I am but they don't know me. They don't know my heart and most of them never will. Those people who watched me be recognized will never know what my chasing cost me, they don't appreciate everything I did to get my spot on that field. But, they don't have to. While I still have a need to be known and wanted, I understand now that there are people in my life that really truly care about me. And these people do know me. They know my heart, they know my quirks, and they choose to love me still. That is something this award could never ever give me.

Through my chasing I went through some really hard times, some of the most difficult seasons of my entire walk with the Lord. I learned some pretty powerful lessons but on the flip side, I get to fall in love with my God more and more every day because of these trials that turned into teaching points. One of the most special things we get to do with our God is fail. In this season (and this life) I have failed a lot! The Lord lets us fail because He lets us choose. But even when we don't choose Him, two things happen in spite of that choice: He uses the circumstances we put ourselves in and He chases after us no matter what. Our God is so big and so merciful He allows us to mess up so that we may see His goodness even more. This doesn't make up for our sin, and it doesn't excuse our future choices to sin, but it does mean that when I fall short He takes up the slack. In these times of failure, in sinful decisions and in pure and utter refusal to listen to the quiet voice of the Lord telling me I am enough in Him, He still forgives and still works to make my heart more like His.

A few months ago someone asked me if I ended up becoming a Top Ten would everything I put myself through be worth it. I thought that on this night I would have a clear answer. I thought that after doing the thing I would be able to definitively say, "yes" or "no." But, I can't. From my tiny human perspective, my ego and pride scream "yes." But the humble Spirit inside of me whispers "no." But, me in the form of a broken Godly woman doesn't know if there really is a right answer. Because while I made mistakes and I went about things the wrong way at times, sometimes I did get it right. In some moments I did things for the right reason, for God's glory. But in the moments I didn't God still used them to shape my heart to look more like His, and I can't say that is ever a bad thing.

My advice and words of wisdom for anyone chasing something of this world, regardless of what it is, honestly evaluate with yourself if you are doing things for the right reasons or if you're just doing them to get your "thing." Things are not inherently bad, they become bad when they become more important than our purpose to bring glory to our Creator. And, if your thing is anything like mine, you shouldn't have to chase it. If by doing the things you do and doing them because you enjoy them is enough then let it be enough, and if it's not enough let it not be enough. Sometimes we fall short. Period. It happens, but don't let your so-called "shortcomings" allow you to question God's goodness or His perfect plan for your life because sometimes we fall short and God is glorified even more than if we get what we thought we needed or deserved. The things in our life cannot define us because God declared long ago that we are His. Because of this, we can let go of the expectations laid on us by the world (and ourselves). Trust God with your thing, He won't take you down the wrong path. I'm not saying that whatever path is laid out for you will be easy, what I am saying is that it will be worth it.

My prayer for you tonight, and every night, is to chase after the one thing that matter, God and His purpose for you. Everything else will come, in His perfect timing.

With a humble heart,
Kaitlyn

A Thousand Times I Failed, Still Your Mercy Remains

This has been a really tough season for me. I've been in a dark place for the last few months and I've felt like there was no way out. I hoped with all my heart that this summer would refresh me, but it didn't. I dug myself a hole so deep it felt like I would never get out of it. I have failed so much and so often I felt as if I was too far away for even God to reach me. And then I started listening...

Should I stumble again, still I'm caught in your grace

I started to listen and respond to the truth that I know in my head and little by little I'm letting it sink back into my heart. Slowly I have begun to be still in His presence and learn how to be overwhelmed with His mercy. For so long I've felt that I was too far gone that God's grace was too good for me to even receive. Oh, how wrong I was. I thank the Lord for His unending mercy and never failing grace because I am just now realizing once again that infinite truly means no limit. When He tells me I am set free from my sin because of what He did on the cross I fall at His feet every time. This season has been so hard for me because I have watched my heart go dark, I watched the person I was becoming look less and less like me, I watched as my connection and relationship with my creator hung by a single thread. I have been attacked by the devil more in these last five months than I have ever been in my lifetime. Spiritual warfare is so real, more real than I ever imagined and the devil has a way of twisting what we think and feel into something so terrible that we are willing to run away from the God of redemption and healing. But I'm not running anymore...

Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades

He is with me always, God's wants to be with me. If I'm being totally honest I have sat down time and time again over these last five months to put these words on a page, and every time nothing came out. But I know now that in those moments I wasn't ready to accept the grace that the Lord never stopped extending to me, but I'm ready now. I'm running as hard and fast as I can into the arms of my creator. It has been beautiful, it has been painful and it's not over yet. I am so broken, in all honesty, broken beyond repair. But, in His kindness and glory, the God of everything was willing to die so that all brokenness would be restored, and I'm so thankful I get to take part in it.

Neverending, your glory goes beyond all fame.

For the first time in so long, I feel like myself again. I feel the Holy Spirit at work in my heart, moving me to work for the glory of God's kingdom. To reach out and touch others so that He can be known. For the first time in what seems like forever I feel free. Free to be happy, free to have joy, free to love other people. And I can't put into words how incredible of a feeling that truly has been. Our God is so good, more than I will ever know or be able to fathom, but in this moment and every one after I wouldn't want it any other way. 

With an overflowing and gentle love,

Kaitlyn  

When God Heals a Heart

I've been in a really dark place. My first year of college was so much fun, filled with exciting and new adventures, and lots of great people. But, I ignored the most important thing of all, me. I put aside myself and my needs on a daily basis, in every shape and form that needs can come in.

Sleeping....at max six hours (on a good night)

Eating.....making the worst possible choices

Resting......going non-stop for the last ten months

Spending time with the Lord......non-existent

Taking care of myself.....I've forgotten how

When I say I wrecked myself, I mean that in its purest, most, real form. I was scattered all over the place, my heart in pieces and a darkness that seemed never-ending. I begged and pleaded and wanted more than anything for this dark, hard-heartedness to abandon my soul but I couldn't find a way out. I desperately tried to fix my broken heart on my own and no matter what I tried I could never keep all of the tiny pieces together. I ran myself so ragged with stress, and priorities, and worrying about everyone else but myself. I forgot what it felt like to be overflowing with joy. I couldn't remember how to want to love and serve others in its purest form. I was unable to connect with the One person who loves even the deepest darkest parts of me.

My cup was completely empty.

My heart was in a million pieces.

I felt like this sadness would never end, until about a week ago. Last Sunday I sat in a room full of people, in the most unlikely setting and realized that God had answered my prayers. I fought back tears as I searched for the burden on my heart that was no longer there.

My cup was no longer empty.

My heart, in all its pieces, had been put back together.

I truly believe that the Lord touches lives and changes hearts in the most simple and beautiful ways. And for me, my heart just had to be in a million tiny, little pieces before that could happen. But what I am most thankful for is that through my brokenness, through my despair, through my shattered and heart, God has created something beautiful within me. He has chosen to continue to work and touch lives through the Holy Spirit even in these painful times. But the coolest part of it all is when He put my heart back together, even though it may be in many pieces, He created a beautiful masterpiece. Something so beautiful that it can only shine for His glory, and I hope with all my heart I do it justice. And while I am not naive enough to think that this is the last time my heart will be broken and reshaped, I do know that it will still be beautiful and still very, very good.


With lots of love and reshaped heart,
Kaitlyn

Sorry We Haven't Talked in a While I've Just Been Busy

My friends have gotten way more used to hearing this phrase than I ever wanted them to. My family hears is every time I race away from our weekly lunches on Sunday afternoons. But worst of all I've been saying this to my Creator more often than not. And even worse than saying it in the first place, I can tell that it has taken a toll on my heart. My second full-time semester at college was filled with a lot of great things that have given me great joy but it has not been without stress and hardships and a LOT of heartache too.

This semester I skipped over the running I hit the ground in a dead sprint, and by the end of the semester, you could definitely tell. I started off, second week back from school--philanthropy event, basketball practice every weekday, four weekly meetings and going to class (because unfortunately, that isn't optional). Getting into February meant being less overwhelmed but not enough to feel like I wasn't drowning. March was better, it really was. School ball was over so no practice every day but travel team season had begun and while only practicing two days a week isn't near as much as five, transitioning from assistant coach to head coach was a whole different type of learning curve. Then finally, Spring Break arrived. Over the hump. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. April kind of snuck up on me, but our spring philanthropy event came and went (thank goodness). And then BOOM, its May. Dead Week wiped us all out and before I knew it my friends were all packed up and off for the summer.

And now here I am.

Stuck here with myself and all of my free-time. As I recapped this semester and glancing over my calendar week by week it blows my mind that I could manage the monster that this thing has become. I looked at it just now and I probably could throw up with how overwhelming it just looks, let alone how I felt living it. But even when I look back on how my life has been scheduled down to the second for the last five months I realize something has been missing all along. Things like club meetings and basketball practices were always in the calendar in their respective colors, I knew when they happened and I planned for them as I made sure that they were a priority of mine. But through all of this crazy organized chaos, I never made time for the One who gives me my time to spend. I was so quick to always put my faith on the back burner and now I'm paying the consequence. 

Placing everything before my relationship with Jesus has wreaked havoc on my heart. It has caused a numbness that I never even knew existed. And I believe that it has hindered my ability to serve my purpose for the Lord completely and fully over this last semester, and I would even go as far to say this last school year. I woke up one day and realized that I had fallen out of love with showing Love to others. That is scary, it breaks my heart that my heart no longer breaks for the things that His breaks for, and that is all because I stopped asking for Him to do it. I stopped asking the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His and it shows in my heart. I feel the emptiness deep in my soul. I created it. I choose to put everything else first, and now I'm reaping what I have sowed. 

The hardest part about this semester is how emotionally turned off and tuned out I was. Still, in this moment I am relearning to feel and to live those emotions. I think back to my senior year of high school and I would call that my highest spiritual point in my life thus far. I was connected so deeply to the Lord in such an intimate and personal way and I desperately want to get back to this point, but it is hard, not impossible but incredibly hard. I'm doing my best to try and get back to this point. But the idea that I could fall off the wagon again is incredibly daunting, but I'm still going for it. Over this last semester what little I have written has been mostly about how Jesus is chasing after my heart even when I've run away from His. Well, the tables are turning, and the tides are changing because while I know that the Lord will pursue me for all of my days, there is no reason that I can't chase Him right back. I know that when I make mistakes that the Lord has forgiven them even before they happen but there is a difference between knowing that I am forgiven and changing the way that I respond to His forgiveness. 

So tonight I am choosing to choose Jesus over my calendar. I'm choosing to chase after Him as He chases after me. I know there are challenges ahead of me and while most days they scare me, but I also know that I never have to run this race alone. 

With joy and a willing heart,

Kaitlyn

Being the Busy Friend

It's so funny I actually posted this article (What I Wish My Friends Knew About My Busy Schedule) a year ago today as a senior in high but it's even more relevant now as a college freshman. I LOVE and HATE my busy schedule because of everything that is said in this article. The author explains how balancing her priorities within her schedule and being with her friends is so difficult. And I can tell you first hand that it is hard when I have so many things to do and not enough time with my people. But I have been blessed and I mean B L E S S E D with people in my life who love the heck out of me even when I'm at my max and my cup is completely empty. I remember at the beginning of my first semester having a conversation with one of my now best friends. We had applied for some of the same things and we both ended up getting interviews for two of the organizations I am now part of. I remember talking with her the night we found out if we got into one of the organizations and I got phone call and she got an email. At first I was scared to say anything but when I finally told her that I got accepted she was so excited for me. I was blown away. I had never had friends who would have been excited for me in a situation like this, and it continued on. Sarah has been incredibly supportive of everything I have done this year and I don't think I will ever be able to explain to her how thankful I am for her. But, to my amazement more than just Sarah has been encouraging me on the journey through what feels like the craziest 9 months of whole my life. My sweet sorority sisters have been nothing but a source of support when I'm exhausted and my biggest cheerleaders when I take on a new adventure. And time and time again I am astonished at the fact that there are people who care so deeply for me, in spite of my busyness, in spite of me constantly being late and having to rush off, in spite of being exhausted and running on fumes, they still cheer me on. Wow, what an INCREDIBLE blessing these people are to me.

But, it's still hard.

I had a conversation just last night (technically this morning VERY early because busy people don't get to sleep) about why I am the way that I am. We talked about why now in this season of my life I am over being busy. I love the adrenaline of the stress. Which sounds crazy because in the moment I hate being stressed, but its true. The rush of being in a rush is my kind of thrill. It makes me feel important. It makes me feel as if I have a purpose. And each time I race and race and race eventually I crash, every time. Because even though the high is great, the low is my version of hell here on earth. When I feel needed I am thriving because I am so willing to hand my self worth over to someone else and say in this moment you make me feel SO good. But when I'm not needed anymore and they stop making me feel so good I don't know how to take back that control. I can't seem to relinquish the control of my intrinsic value from their grasp. And while I have some truly wonderful friends who care about me in a real and genuine way there are people in my life who don't. And when I take all of the pennies out of my already broken self-worth piggy bank and try to let a broken stock broker hold onto it, it never works out. The stress of it all is taking a toll on me mentally, physically, emotionally and I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be too busy for the people I love. I'm tired of chasing the thrill. I'm done. But no matter what I do, or try I can't seem to get out of this cycle. It feels never ending. It feels like I'm trapped.

But, then Jesus steps in.

Through this mess of busyness I have created for myself I am thankful that the Lord is teaching me to let go of my desire to let my busyness be my fulfillment. He is showing me what it means to relinquish any and all control of my self worth. And that process sucks, A LOT. Because it is scary, and uncertain, and unknown. And as a human being, especially as a woman, giving up control of anything is hard but it's even harder when it has everything to do with the deepest part of my heart and deals with everything that I am. Holy crap is it scary. But it is worth every scary, uncertain and unknown moment. Because sanctification is so much better than a cheap thrill of stress and my neediness of being needed. My God is changing and pulling at my heart because He wants me to be like Him. That is crazy! The Creator of the universe doesn't need anything, He is Perfect on His own, He needs nothings and no one, and yet He still chooses me. What a beautiful picture He painted for you and me. 

And while I am encouraged by the love and mercy the Lord shows me in my sinfulness I still am nowhere near having it all figured out. But what I do know is that I am excited about the possibilities of what an open schedule can lead me too. I know that there are things that will be placed at my feet. I am patiently anxious about the new relationships I will get to invest in and the brand new things that I can't even think of that the Lord will get to use me for. All because I am intentionally trying to let go of letting my busyness control me. I can't wait to see what He brings, because I know it will be so very good because that is all that He can ever be. 

With excited anticipation for the future and lots of love,

Kaitlyn

I'm Tired of Being Tired

I'm tired. I'm tired all the time.

I'm tired physically. Because sleep is for the weak (or at least thats what they tell us).

I'm tired emotionally. I cry a lot, solely because I am tired.

I'm tired spiritually. I'm at the point where it has become difficult to spend intimate time with my Creator because I am so tired.

I'm tired relationally. I feel like there are never enough hours in the day to get my to-do list accomplished and love my people well and in the end both suffer.

I'm tired...of being tired.

The worst part of all of this, I did it to myself. I have been chasing something so hard and fast for so long that I lost track of all of the time I've lost trying to fulfill something that is frankly out of my control. I have been running hard and fast after validation in something that will matter for a blink of an eye. I have put everything I am, once again, into something that will never eternally define me.

But yet I still chase...

I have taken my focus off the One that I am supposed to be one with and started to run after something that won't ever be enough. And I have to stop. I want to stop, but I can't seem to find the brakes. And truth be told somewhere not-so-deep inside my heart I don't want to stop just yet. I'm so close. The race is almost over. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But will everything that I've done, will it even be enough? Am I enough?

Even if I make it out of this semester alive there is always the possibility that I won't have done enough. There is always the chance that even when I give everything I am I will never be enough. But the best part of all of this is I don't have to be. The most beautiful thing about the Cross is the fact that I continue to run away from it time and time again, and even then Jesus still chases after my heart.

My heart.

My broken, empty, unworthy heart.

And He says to me, "You are enough because I Am enough."

You know, I always thought that after God showed me how faithful He is I could never even think about running toward anything but Him. But He knew that I would, and He knows that I probably will again. And still He shows me immeasurable Grace. What an incredible thing.

There is a sticker on the inside of my laptop and it says,

"And if not, He is still good" Daniel 3:18

Hopefully when you buy laptop stickers you take the time to fact check any bible verses because I certainly did not. While I did see this sticker and understand that it speaks truth about who He is and His faithfulness I did not know what the actual verse said.

But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." Daniel 3:18 *for real*

What a gut check, let me just tell you. As I chased my own "golden image" I lost sight of the true reward I already have. But as I reread this verse I know that it points back to nothing more than how great my God is. I am so thankful that I serve a God who would save Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego from the furnace and in the same way save me from myself and my brokenness time and time again. Even when I turn away from Him He extends an unwavering hand of grace, love and mercy. When I run from Him He runs after me. How thankful am I for that.

Overwhelmed by never ending grace and love,
Kaitlyn

Trading My Plans for the Lord’s and Why It’s the Best and Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Done

Giving up control has never been one of my favorite things, but is it anyone’s? On this journey to become more like Christ I am learning what it means to leave my desires at the Lord’s feet. And while this is by far one of my most difficult daily trials, it gives me an immense peace. Giving the Lord control of my life leaves so much room for everyday joys that I would have so easily missed while always looking forward to tomorrow.

In this stage of life everyone is constantly asking, “What’s next?” It starts senior year with the, “Where are you going to school?” and “What are you majoring in?” Then it evolves into, “What do you want to do?” And after that it turns into “What’s your ideal age to get married?” or maybe, “How many kids do you want to have?” I’m sitting here, barely 24 hours out of my first full semester of college and thinking, “Why do I have to know the answer?”

One thing I have gained from leaving these questions unanswered is an incredible freedom. Freedom to focus on the present and learning to be content. Freedom to let go of the worry. Freedom to ignore the, “Well everyone else is…” Freedom that only comes from trusting that God’s plan is way more awesome than mine could ever be. I know this, I believe in God’s faithfulness because He showers me with it daily. My God is so gracious with my wondering and ambitious heart that He did flip my plan upside down. Because He loves me that much He decided that He wanted to show me that His plan is so much sweeter than anything I could ever think of.

Leaving my plan at the feet of the Cross means that I get to fall in love with teaching more and more every time I think about my future classroom. Setting aside my ambition for Spirit lead humility means that I get to focus on loving my friends deeply and intimately instead of frantically crossing things off my to-do list. Trusting in God’s plan for my life is SO HARD. It is a battle I have to fight with myself every morning. But slowly I am starting to win the battle for my heart to start to look like His. And while I do deeply desire to leave my plans at the Lord’s feet there are some days that I lose this fight. Sometimes I do get caught up in my busyness. I do get caught up in the “What’s next?” But thank goodness that’s my God’s grace is unending and never failing because man oh man would I be in trouble.

The other hugely important lesson I am learning in setting my plans aside is something I never really wanted to admit to myself. Learning to leave my plans at the Cross is one thing, trusting in the plan that is thrown my way is another. But, understanding that sometimes while the Lord’s plan is always perfect it is not always painless. Understanding that God’s plan for me is amazing and perfect and completely better than my own is getting easier. But learning to deal with the heartbreak and hardships that come with battling my sinful nature is something that I still have yet to learn to grasp. One of my favorite bloggers, Stephanie Mae Wilson, wrote about this and it touched my heart so deeply. In her blog Stephanie talks about how even though God has said “Go” it doesn’t make the unrest and uncertainty go away. But when we trust in God’s plan we know that through this unrest and uncertainty the not-so-easy will be so worth it.

Tonight I ask that you pray for me as I learn all of these things, as I learn to continuously leave my perfectly planned out life at God’s feet and place my trust solely in His faithfulness to me. And in return I will pray the same for you. Wow, how great is our God that He loves us enough to trade our plans for His.

With lots of joy and a peaceful heart,
Kaitlyn

Not Getting Caught Up in Letting People Catch Me

A lot of things happened last week. So I think it's fair to say that my Dead Week was anything other than dead. But, throughout the craziness, the stress, and the overwhelmingness of college I am met with God's grace and faithfulness. I was met by blessings I could have never seen coming, and this week these blessings came in the form of some really great friends.

For quite a while I struggled with what it meant to have true friends. What it looked like to have "my people." And what it meant to trust that someone will be there for me every step of the way. I didn't really think that was even a real possibility for me, for so many different reasons. But my mom ALWAYS said, "you'll meet your best friends in college," wow, was she so right! Learning to let people in has been and still is incredibly difficult for me. But learning to break down the barriers around my heart is one of the toughest but most rewarding battles I fight against myself every day.

This last week was nothing short of a whirl wind. With a packed schedule and crazy occurrences I fell into the trap of busy and stress and the feelings of defeat. While I have developed the skill of managing my stress very well I am still learning to leave my fears and failures at the foot of the cross. And every once in while I get caught up in myself and tend to spiral out of control. Only this time something was different, this time when I fell into the trap I wasn't alone. And this time I had people there to catch me, people who picked me up right as I fell face first into the ground and I even had people to sit with me before I hopped right back up to continue on my to-do list journey. These people I am incredibly thankful for.

Learning to love myself has been no walk in the park, and learning to let others love me has been like climbing a mountain without any climbing equipment. But with the Lord as my guide I am learning what it means to trust the people He surrounds me with. I am starting the break down Fort Knox, and I am understanding why we are not meant to live this life alone. This afternoon I had lunch surrounded by some of my favorite people in the whole world, and for that I am so thankful. But even more so than the meal we shared, I am blessed to know that these people won't let me fall. To know that the people I love so much, WILL be there for me every step of the way. And learning to be okay with them catching me when I stumble on this journey through life is such a wonderful testament to God's perfect timing and unwavering faithfulness. So as I finish out my first semester of college this week I am rejoicing in the blessings of real and true friendship and what it looks like to trust people to catch me when I fall.


With lots of love and a humble heart,
Kaitlyn

The Truth About My Perfection

I bet I can guess what you are all thinking...why in the world is there a pedestal as this header? Well, whether or not you pay any attention to the pictures I use for my blogs you may or may not have realized that each picture I have chosen corresponds with the topic. And while this blog is no different I felt the need to let you in on my secret because tonight as I write this a picture of an empty pedestal is the most perfect illustration I could have ever imagined.

When you think of perfection what does that look like? Do you envision a perfect day at the beach with calm waves and the beauty of God's creation? Do you think of the cookie-cutter family that you desire to have more than anything? What about a job that you love going to every day that pays a decent amount? Or maybe, just maybe you think of someone. There might be a person that you hold in such high regard that in your eyes they are perfect (or as perfect as we can get as imperfect humans). Well, the funny thing is lately I have been that person for some people, and honestly thats all sorts of crazy in my brain. The prideful part of my heart gets REALLY excited to hear that the people around me think I can obtain any level of perfection. But then deep in the corners of my heart connected to the most sacred parts of who I am I hear the Holy Spirit whisper, "You are still broken, and perfection is not an option for you." And I could not be more thankful for that reminder. 

Living a life of perfection is not something I ever strive for, at all. Jesus Christ was perfect on the Cross and that is the only perfection I could ever need. Because when I see this pedestal I see the place where people have raised me up to something awesome and incredibly unrealistic, because on top of this pedestal there is nothing. This is because I cannot fulfill their need for perfection. I won't ever be able to live up to what they want from me because I was made perfectly imperfect by the most Perfect that ever has and will be. That space created by others for me I can never fill, heck I probably won't ever even be able to reach it and that is fine by me. Because when I look at this empty space that needs to be filled I get to rest in the fact that the God of everything gets to sit up there and I don't have to worry about a single thing. 

When we hold people to a standard of perfection we instantly set them up to fail. And I promise you I fail a lot! Being the kind of person that strives for perfectionism in her life instinctively, my own expectations of myself are hard enough to fulfill, let alone those of others. Running the race of perfection was the hardest thing I have ever attempted to do, and I never want to try and do it again. Listening to the Lord teach me about how amazing His grace is has been more comforting than I ever imagined. Learning to let go of my mistakes and failures are a part of life, and part of my race towards Him. When I hold myself and others to a standard of perfection I put us up on this pedestal and with this place I provide myself with a heaping pile of disappointment and defeat. 

I can't tell you how many times I have sat and cried with numerous women in my life about my inability to fit into this perfect box I created for myself. But out of these trials came someone who has to make a constant effort to put aside her perfect aspirations in order to humble herself before the Perfect God. And as I continue to run this race toward Him I am reminded of a letter my mom wrote me not all the long ago. At the end of the letter she write, "Always remember to strive for excellence, and not perfection." So tonight and on the nights like this to come, I find comfort in my mother's words, knowing that I don't have to be perfect, and how awesome is that.

With a humble heart and lots of love,

Kaitlyn

What I Wish You Could See

Beauty is such a hard thing for women to grasp. We poke and prod at each and every one of our imperfections, we tear ourselves apart until there is nothing left in the mirror for us to look at and feel good about. We so easily fall into the trap of satan's lie that tells us we are anything less than perfect. The God of everything made you in His image. He tells us time and time again that we are His most beloved creation. We are known by God, what an awesome gift. I know this gift and I rejoice in it often, but there are many whom I love very much that cannot yet see their beauty, and oh how my heart breaks for them.

I often say one of my greatest accomplishment in my short lifetime is my ability to look in the mirror and see beauty. Getting there took a lot of crying on floors and falling into satan's lies. But now that I know my beauty comes from nothing I could have ever done, I want others to know the same. So here I go:

My dear sweet friend, you are beautiful, and there is not a single thing in this world that could ever change that. Your heart is one of true beauty that brings me such joy and I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. When you tear yourself down it breaks your heart, but it also breaks mine because you cannot see how precious and so loved you are by those around you. I want you to know that your beauty does not come from the rise and fall of a number on a scale. It will never come from any amount of makeup you cover your face with or the clothes that you wear. Your most beautiful trait is a soul that never stops smiling and has never failed to make my day that much brighter. I love you and I hope with my whole heart that you come to know these things in your heart. The Lord of everything created you for His glory because you bear His image. When He looks at you, you have favor in His eyes because He created you beautifully and perfectly. And personally I would't challenge His opinion on this one. My dear sweet friend, you are perfect in each and every way because He made you that way and I will never stop telling you that. My prayer for you is that you learn and keep this truth locked away in your heart and ever present in your mind. Let it seep into you life and eventually allow yourself to know this above every lie satan ever tells you. You are loved so much, believe that with all your heart.

With overwhelming love that comes only from the One who is Love,
Kaitlyn

What I Want You to Know About Me

School is in full swing and college has been so fun thus far! But with every new season, more often than not, that means new people and in my case that means approximately 26,000 new people. College is full of new things and my favorite thing has been the new friendships I make everyday. Whether that means I make a friend in my class, club, or chapter, making new friends means introducing yourself over and over again. Please know that I am not complaining, but I want the people that enter my life to know that I am more than Kaitlyn Kirksey from Stillwater, OK, I am more than a sorority girl, I am more than a HDFS major. I am more because of what Jesus did for me on the cross. I am more because I love deeply because He loved me first. I am more because I am sarcastic but kind, studious but fun. I am organized with my schedule but messy with my room. I love to serve but also need to be filled up.

I want those who already know me to know that I am changing as a person but that doesn't mean that I am different. I am growing and evolving and becoming the Godly woman the Creator of the universe desires for me to be, and while I may look different or hang out with new people fundamentally I am the same. My heart for the Lord will not change, it may grow in size but not in my need to be in the presence of the One who knows me better than anyone else.

As a woman I truly believe that I have a fundamental desire for others to know me and my heart, and I don't think this will ever change. I desire intimacy within relationships because that's what I view as quality. I want people to know that I love fast and hard, but the reason for that is because Jesus Christ laid His life on the Cross for mine. He took my sin to glorify Himself, but also because He loved me so much He took my place.

I want everyone to know that I am a good listener but also an advice giver. I am the "mom" of each one of my friend groups but I wouldn't want it any other way. I want every person I meet to know that I live my life the way I do because I choose to follow the path that God has laid at my feet. I want people to know that I want to be known. But I am so thankful that I am already known by the only one that matters. And because I am known by Him that is more than enough.

With lots of love and a confident heart,
Kaitlyn

Why I Decided to Change Things Up

If you have been following my blog over my short duration as a "Blogger" I am excited that you continue to visit me as I walk through this life and continue to learn and listen as God molds me into the Godly women He created me to be. As you can probably tell things look a little different, including the name of this blog itself. I want to let you know that as I continue to grow and develop as a person my hope is that my blog will as well.

The new name for this blog comes from my love of a quote I found a while ago, it says:

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor the devil says, "Oh no! She's up!"

This quote has been something I have admired for as long as I've heard it and it is something that I strive for everyday. As I continue along the path God has played out for me I aspire to become this type of woman daily and that is why I decided to change things up. But my heart, as well as my post will continue to be honest, sarcastic and the truth of what God is teaching me in my life. Thank you for sticking with me and happy reading.

Much love,
Kaitlyn

Confessions of a soon to be college freshman

What the heck! High school has come and gone and apparently so has summer and in less than three days I move into my college dorm. It's crazy to think about how fast time has truly flown by! As I transition into this next chapter of my life I find myself in a state filled with thoughts constantly floating around in my brain. Some of these thoughts are happy, some sad, and a lot of them full of anticipation. Below I have confessed these thoughts, take it as you will.

(DISCLAIMER: These are in no particular order)

1. Will I really be able to live with a stranger for the next 9 months?
2. Am I going to be totally and completely overwhelmed with college?
3. Is it possible to find solid christian community at a public school?
4. Is my faith strong enough to withstand everything college will throw at me?
5. Who will I still be friends with out of my high school friend group in college?
6. I find the idea of #RingBySpring to be ridiculous.
7. Will I meet my husband in college?
8. Will I ever figure out what I really want to do?
9. Am I listening to what God is telling me?
10. Did I choose the right school?
11. Am I being realistic when it comes to my life goals?
12. Will I make friends in college?
13. Am I too pushy when it comes to sharing what I think?
14. I am really weirded out at the idea of not seeing my mom every day.
15. How will my family dynamic change once I leave?
16. I can't figure out if my excitement for certain things is passion or just excitement.
17. What is my passion?
18. How do I find it?
19. Am I too independent to be in a relationship?
20. I hate when people see my self confidence as unapproachable. 
21. Am I disciplined enough to stick to my daily readings?
22. I really want to use my planner consistently. 
23. Will I be culture shocked going into college?
24. Am I able to love people well even when they are different from me?
25. I will miss my brother a lot more than I will ever admit.
26. I am really afraid of committing to something and then finding out that I hate it.
27. I know who I am, but I don't understand why people are still surprised at how comfortable I am in my own skin.
28. I want to show people Christ through my life but I feel like I suck at that 99% of the time. 
29. I really want to have fun in college.
30. I want Jesus to be my focus in every season of my life.
31. Why do people find my purity ring weird?
32. I'm really want to have a better diet in college.
33. I am glad I know how to take good notes.
34. I feel like I am overthinking everything.
35. How do I stop?

While writing this list I realized two things 1) I have some really random thoughts, and 2) that I can satisfy a lot of these questions by leaving them at the feet of the Cross. How blessed am I to have a Savior that loves me enough to listen to me drone on and on about every single boring thought in my head. WOW. My God is awesome. I pray you know that too. If you would pray for me during this time of transition in my life and that I will seek God in all things first and foremost. 

With a wandering head and steady heart,

Kaitlyn

Beauty, Confidence and Everything In Between

I have been trying to write this post for the last two week but after yesterday morning I knew I needed to write it.

So, yesterday morning I was headed out to work and I happened to pass by one of the mirrors in my house. As I glanced at my reflection I think to myself, "Wow, I look skinny." Then I had to take a pause, because I just got back from my long weekend vacation and I knew I had put on a couple of pounds, I didn't get skinnier in reality I got bigger. So why did I think I looked skinny? And the more and more I thought about this I realized I associate the idea of "skinny" with pretty. But, what is ironic about this is that even though I don't feel skinny, I feel beautiful. I am confident in who I am, and who I am in Christ but I still sometimes struggle with what confidence is and what it means to live my life confidently...

Confidence is feeling pretty right? Or is it when other people think I'm pretty? Or, is it both?

Well in my experience, confidence is something that is much more than skin deep. Being confident means I can firmly stand on who I am and what I believe. But, I want to talk about what it means to be confident in myself, but also in Jesus.

Now, I was a chubby little kid, then I grew into an overweight kid, that transformed into a self-conscious kid. Which in turn, created a self-conscious teenager and now, here we are. When I look back at the person I used to be and how I felt about myself breaks my heart into a million pieces. I look back at the 6th grade girl who felt so uncomfortable in her body that she cried anytime someone made any kind of comment about her. I think about the 8th grade me that came back from six weeks at weight-loss camp and losing 30Ibs that still wasn't satisfied with her self-image. I think about the junior in high school who sat on the floor in tears as she stared into her closet and cried because she couldn't feel pretty in anything she tried on. I think about the freshman in college that looks at herself in pictures and mentally picks herself apart until there is nothing left than a heaping pile of one of Satan's most powerful lies: I am not good enough.

I am confident.

Sometimes. Most of the time.

I am self-conscious.

Too often.

Junior and senior year of high school I learned a LOT about who I am, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And, in my youth group we went through a series based out of 1 Corinthians that dealt with our spiritual gifts. Throughout this series we talked about how God created us all uniquely for a special and specific purpose in connection to His will. Even though the focus of this series was our spiritual gifts, it also taught me about the importance of my uniqueness as a creation of God. Having confidence is not something that comes naturally as a human being, at least not for me. I only learned to be confident once I learned to love Jesus and understood that I was made exactly the way I am because I fit perfectly into His plan. My confidence is something that without Christ would not exist. Period. Before I knew how important I was to Him and the Kingdom He created I lived a life of constant discomfort and perpetual self-consciousness. And there are some days (more than I would care to admit) that I still do feel insecure about myself, whether that be physically or otherwise. But by learning to lean on Jesus and all of His awesomeness I realized that because I am loved by the God who created the stars and the heavens I was made perfectly and I am perfect the way I am because He made me exactly the way He wanted me. Now I am not saying that I won't try to lose a couple pounds here or there or I won't change up my style (if I ever find some), but what I am saying is that my beauty is not found in my physicality it is found in Christ alone. And I think this is why so many women have a hard time with how they view themselves, because they don't understand that God sees us differently than any other human ever could. The thing that break my heart the most, is when I hear the people in my life who I know have true beauty in their heart and even on the skin still can't see their beauty. Tonight that is something I pray for you as you read this, that you would know how incredibly loved you are, how beautifully made you were and that you would know that you are God's perfect design. I pray that you build a relationship with the Creator of makeup and mirrors and let Him tell you how fearfully and wonderfully made you are.

Tonight I encourage you to look to God's word and let Him tell you who you are, how beautiful you have always been and let it sink in deep in every corner of your heart. Proverbs 31:30 says,

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." - Proverb 31:30

I hope that you listen to what God is telling you; that you are beautiful and perfect in His eyes. True beauty comes from the heart, as they always say but more importantly it comes from Jesus and I hope you keep that close to your heart.

With lots of love and confidence found in Christ,
Kaitlyn