I am enough.
You have no idea how long it took me to say that out loud. To be okay with that coming out of my mouth. For me to believe it was true even a little bit.
Enough.
My greatest desire is for someone to look at me and say, "Where you stand in this moment you are enough." I want desperately to be released from the chains of expectations that I locked myself into all in hopes that I would one day reach the finish line. Then I would finally be enough. When I become a Top Ten Freshman, once that happens I will finally be enough.
Well...that didn't work.
What if I try really hard to love everyone in my life, then that has to be enough right?
Whoops...that didn't work either.
Okay then let's try to lose weight and then I will be enough.
Nope.
So I met this boy...
No ma'am.
I think I'm going to try...
It's not enough. It won't ever be enough.
The endless running cannot change a single bit of me. It can't make me greater, it won't increase my value, it won't push me toward Jesus. It will wreck my heart. It will allow lies in between what God says is true and what I think about me. So badly I want someone to say, "Whether you run the race or not, you are still enough. Nothing can change that. You don't have to prove yourself."
And then I turn and see Jesus staring into my eyes, hold my hands and saying those exact words.
But then he says something else. He says, "Kaitlyn, you don't have to be enough because I am. I take up your slack, I fill in the gaps where you fall short. You can't expect yourself to take my place. You were designed for beautiful things but definitely not that."
How beautiful, how peaceful, how freeing. I don't have to be enough because Jesus already is. Thank you Lord for that! We have nothing to prove because there is no room for that with Jesus in our lives. I am enough because He makes me whole. God uses our mess and our mess-ups even when they seem irredeemable. No matter what choices we make God holds our hand and uses us anyway because we are wrapped in His grace. He says, "My power is made perfect in weakness" (1 Corinthians 12:9). When we believe that, and I mean really believe it, like live in freedom believe it, He moves mountains in our hearts and lives.
It is so much easier said than done. To hold onto that Truth about me as a Creation of God, as a Daughter of the King, as an irredeemable but redeemed sinner. God looks at each of us and says, "I am enough, so you don't have to be." That is freedom, that is Truth, that is grace. We get to hold onto this our whole lives with a white-knuckled grip, we get to be tethered to who Jesus says we are. When we believe this, the Spirit uses us in beautiful ways and when we don't the Spirit uses us in beautiful ways. But when we believe in the deepest parts of our hearts that what God says is true we get to shake off those locked down chains of expectation and live in a way that invites other people to know Jesus too.
Lord, thank you for taking this burden from me. God, I beg that you continue to take it from me each time I reach for it. Like a patient Father, you kindly take it away from me each time. You keep telling me who I am and what you created me for. Lord, thank you for sending your Son to clean up my mess. Spirit, remind me what is true, teach me to live freely, allow me to believe it in my heart not just my head.
In Your Son's Name. Amen.
All my love,
Kaitlyn
