We've Moved!

Hello, faithful blog readers! I am so excited to share that Be the Kind of Woman has moved to a new space (a Squarespace to be exact). To find the newest and up-to-date blogs (and more!!) be sure to check out:

bethekindofwoman.com

I am humbled that you have continued to follow along with me on this crazy life journey and I can't wait to see all the new things God has in store for me. Be sure to check out the new site and all of the new things that are coming!

Love,
Kaitlyn

I am Enough.

I am enough.


You have no idea how long it took me to say that out loud. To be okay with that coming out of my mouth. For me to believe it was true even a little bit.


Enough.


My greatest desire is for someone to look at me and say, "Where you stand in this moment you are enough." I want desperately to be released from the chains of expectations that I locked myself into all in hopes that I would one day reach the finish line. Then I would finally be enough. When I become a Top Ten Freshman, once that happens I will finally be enough.


Well...that didn't work.


What if I try really hard to love everyone in my life, then that has to be enough right?


Whoops...that didn't work either.


Okay then let's try to lose weight and then I will be enough.


Nope.


So I met this boy...


No ma'am.


I think I'm going to try...


It's not enough. It won't ever be enough.


The endless running cannot change a single bit of me. It can't make me greater, it won't increase my value, it won't push me toward Jesus. It will wreck my heart. It will allow lies in between what God says is true and what I think about me. So badly I want someone to say, "Whether you run the race or not, you are still enough. Nothing can change that. You don't have to prove yourself."


And then I turn and see Jesus staring into my eyes, hold my hands and saying those exact words. 


But then he says something else. He says, "Kaitlyn, you don't have to be enough because I am. I take up your slack, I fill in the gaps where you fall short. You can't expect yourself to take my place. You were designed for beautiful things but definitely not that."


How beautiful, how peaceful, how freeing. I don't have to be enough because Jesus already is. Thank you Lord for that! We have nothing to prove because there is no room for that with Jesus in our lives. I am enough because He makes me whole. God uses our mess and our mess-ups even when they seem irredeemable. No matter what choices we make God holds our hand and uses us anyway because we are wrapped in His grace. He says, "My power is made perfect in weakness" (1 Corinthians 12:9). When we believe that, and I mean really believe it, like live in freedom believe it, He moves mountains in our hearts and lives.


It is so much easier said than done. To hold onto that Truth about me as a Creation of God, as a Daughter of the King, as an irredeemable but redeemed sinner. God looks at each of us and says, "I am enough, so you don't have to be." That is freedom, that is Truth, that is grace. We get to hold onto this our whole lives with a white-knuckled grip, we get to be tethered to who Jesus says we are. When we believe this, the Spirit uses us in beautiful ways and when we don't the Spirit uses us in beautiful ways. But when we believe in the deepest parts of our hearts that what God says is true we get to shake off those locked down chains of expectation and live in a way that invites other people to know Jesus too.

Lord, thank you for taking this burden from me. God, I beg that you continue to take it from me each time I reach for it. Like a patient Father, you kindly take it away from me each time. You keep telling me who I am and what you created me for. Lord, thank you for sending your Son to clean up my mess. Spirit, remind me what is true, teach me to live freely, allow me to believe it in my heart not just my head. 

In Your Son's Name. Amen. 

All my love,
Kaitlyn

A Letter to the Girl Who Has to Be...

To the Girl Who Has to Be,


Where do I even begin?


My sweet friend, you are so wonderful, more than you can ever understand. But you don't always feel that way. Sometimes it feels like your trapped. It feels like the weight of the world is bearing down on your shoulders and you can't escape it, because you are the girl that has to be strong. And being strong means that you can't let all the other people in the world know that you feel every emotion running through your body. Being strong means that when the world turns upside down, as the one who is holding everything up, if you drop even a little bit the small shelter you provide others will shatter just like everything else.


Sometimes to be the girl that has to be means when you are struggling, I mean really struggling, the kind of struggling so hard that you can't even form the words kind of struggling, you have no one to turn to. Because you're the girl who has to be perfect. And to be perfect means to never need anything from anyone, to be able to go through everything life throws at you and seem completely unscathed to the rest of the world. It feels like no matter what you do, or say, or accomplish, you will never be enough.


Sometimes to be the girl who has to be is cramming yourself in a box. The type of box that other people have created with beautiful and intricate ideas and designs. These boxes were created with the best intentions at heart but it's just not quite the fit for you. Sometimes these boxes are so small you overflow out of them and feel like you are way too much for the people in your life. But other times the boxes are so stinking big they swallow you right up and before long you feel as if you just fade into the background, forgotten and filled with disappointment. But you're the girl who has to be the people pleaser, so you take it, moment after moment, day after day until you can't take it anymore.


I know exactly what it feels like to be the girl who has to be because I am that girl. I'm the girl that bears the weight of the world on her shoulders. I'm the girl that feels like perfection is the only option in order to be loved. I'm the girl that both overflows and gets swallowed up by the boxes others have created. But I don't want to be her anymore, and the best part is I don't have to be.


But, I want to ask you a question. Who told you, you have to be? Who said you had to bear the weight of the world all on your own? Who told you that perfection was the only option? Who told you what box you had to live in forever? Can I let you in on a secret? Most of the time, if we're really honest with ourselves, the answers to these questions is us. Yes, people will ask us for help, but when did it become our responsibility to hold the world in the process? Yes, we want to present ourselves in a good way but when did our self-presentation transform into the need to satisfy an insatiable standard? Yes, we want to please the people in our lives but why do we have to give up living for ourselves to please everyone else?


It took a long (and I mean looonggg) time for me to grasp this. It took even longer for me to let go of that girl. But I definitely didn't do it on my own.


Now, I have a friend. This friendship is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But, my friend and I have only recently become friends because our relationship got off to a bit of a rocky start. But, I want to go ahead and introduce you to her. My friend's name is grace. Grace and I have a mutual friend, Jesus, He is the one who introduced me to her actually. He told me all about her and let us get acquainted. But when grace and I first met it felt too good to be true. I kept waiting for her to slip up and say something mean about me or point out one of my many flaws. I expected her to finally see what I saw, my mess and my mess ups and just waited for her to walk out of the doorway of my life. But I realize now that the reason grace and I didn't become friends at first, wasn't her fault, it was mine.

Some of my first encounters with my friend grace went a little something like this:

In all of her kindness and love, grace would tell me things like "You don't have to, you know, put the entire world (and its problems) on your back," and she even tried to tell me that wasn't my job! She told me all about how I have to share the load and let others help. When she told me this I looked in her eyes and laughed in her face because everyone knows that I the best problem fixer there is, so why shouldn't I help everyone in my life?

Another time she told me that "Perfection is overrated!" How outrageous is that? Everyone knows that being perfect is what gets us everything we want in life. Because when we're perfect everything works out for us, we get the best job and the cutest house and the ideal man. Perfection is the standard, there is nothing else. But get this, then she tried to tell me that messing up is normal, but who wants to be normal anyway?

And then, she told me that I didn't have to fulfill everyone's expectations of me. But she obviously doesn't know that people pleasing is something I excell at! And, when I satisfy the expectations of other people I don't even have to worry about setting any for myself, and that is real freedom.

When grace first starting speaking the Truth into my life, I was not in a place where could hear her because I didn't want to. I thought that being the girl that has to be was a pretty good gig honestly until it stopped being good and started to get really, really, hard. The most beautiful thing about grace is that she never stops. Never stops loving me, pursuing me, encouraging me and showing me what it means to let Jesus have control. The truth is, I didn't want grace to release me from being the girl that has to be because I had the control. As grace poured over me I realized that to take her hand meant that I had to let go of the death grip I had on my life. I thought that as long as everything was in my hands everything would be fine, I could pretend to be perfect in public and cry myself to sleep in private. I thought that as long as everyone around me believed that I really could hold the world then maybe, just maybe, I could.

What a horrible burden.

For all of my sweet friends that know my story too well, let go. PLEASE let go. Release yourself from the burden of the world, the lie of perfection and the trap of expectations. The Lord of all Creation has called us (yes you and me!) because of His grace and His love. And what He says about us is that we are ENOUGH, we are WORTH IT and we are SO LOVED. There is no burden in that, none and at. There is freedom in the Cross and how Jesus laid down His life for your's and mine. If no one else will let me tell you, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE, and that's the end of the story. You and all of your wonderful, beautiful and perfectly-imperfection are all that the Lord wants, and all He needs to fulfill your ultimate purpose: to glorify, serve and love Him. Let that be all you have to be.

Lord I pray for the girls that have to be. I beg you to lead them to the light of freeing and redeeming grace that washes over us. God I ask that you whisper the Truth to them as they learn what it means to be okay with messes and mess ups. Holy Spirit move them toward their ultimate purpose and away from the lies of burden and perfection and expecations. Jesus thank you for taking our place on the Cross so that we get to make friends with grace. Thank you for your unending love.

 In Your Son's name. Amen.

All my love,

Kaitlyn

Summer of Lessons, Listening and Ultimately, Rest

This summer has been WILD. It's been so good, so hard and so very far out of my comfort zone, but nonetheless beautiful. Over the last two months, I have been more isolated from my people than I ever have been before. It was the strangest thing to still be in Oklahoma and feel a million miles away, and its been even harder being in Milwaukee, 680 miles away. But, I have learned so much about God's faithfulness in such a special way. Working sixteen-hour days, pouring into middle schoolers and sleeping on cheap dorm room beds all have definitely added to the adventures. I knew that spending a summer with FOCUS would be awesome but I didn't realize how much I would grow.

Being with students for basically a full month was hard. I absolutely loved every second of it but it was taxing. The reality of knowing something and experiencing it are two totally different things. Knowing that Oklahoma has a messed up education system has never been surprising to me, but to see it and to grapple with the reality of it hit me way harder than I ever imagined. Watching student after student struggle to write a simple sentence, or misspell even the simplest of words broke down my heart bit by bit. But everything came crashing down when the reality of life at home for my students came to the forefront. Hearing of their heartache and hardships even as, twelve, thirteen, fourteen-year-olds shatters every piece of my heart. The crazy thing is when my world got turned on its head in the midsts of camp. When I questioned my purpose and desire to teach more than I ever had before, being with my students pulled me back to the reality of why the Lord pulled me in the direction of teaching in the first place. And the coolest part, the Lord was waiting, arms wide open, ready for my return.

Heading back to Milwaukee was what we all needed. Physically and emotionally exhausted from giving all we had to these students, I know I needed the break. But being in the city has had its own set of unique challenges. Going from sixteen-hours days and no time to myself to working normal hours and lots of free time threw me through a whirlwind for sure. But the craziest thing is, for the first time in my life I feel rested. This is because for the first time in my life I've been forced to rest. With everyone I love is completely out of reach I had to find ways to entertain myself. And the beautiful part about this is that meant I have to deal with why I haven't been resting in the first place. Why have I been running from being filled up? But in these moments the Lord is whispering the sweet Truth to me. He is reminding me and reaffirming me that, me, by myself, with nothing to hold onto, nothing to hide in and no to-do list to run to, I am enough. And this reality has rocked me to my core. The Lord, in all of His patience and endless love, scooped me up dragged me across the country and placed me in a quiet single room dorm on UWM's campus all so He could tell me these things. Oh, how cool is that!

Resting is so important, I know that. I HAVE known that, but now I understand it. I understand that resting isn't selfish, it's life-giving, it's freeing and it's necessary! But the cool thing is, Jesus knew this all along. He has whispered it to me for years, preparing me for this moment. Preparing me for the season that I know I will need it in and all of the seasons to come. He loves me enough to let me figure all of this out on my own. To stumble through the mess of a life that I've built and to point me in the direction that leads to Him. How thankful am I that we have a Savior that does this for us, and in my case, does it over and over again.

Lord, I ask that through this season of isolation, of quietness and rest, that you would prepare me to face what is coming. Teach me again how to go back to my "normal" but only in a way that shows me what it means to rest in you and with you. Spirit guide me, take hold of my heart and move my feet in that direction, because we know I won't do it on my own. Lord thank you for the people in my life that have continued to remind me of this. Thank you for their willingness to push me toward rest, keep my ears and heart open to these words of Truth as they continue to speak them to me. Lord thank you for your grace. Grace with me and my decisions, for my lack of listening and for my desire to do what I wanted, even when I knew what would happen. Thank you for loving me enough to take my place on the Cross. Thank you for dying the death that I deserved (and still do). Thank you for seasons with big and in-your-face lessons and thank you for seasons with subtle and quiet ones. Thank you for your love for me.

In your Son's name. Amen. 

All my love,
Kaitlyn

Unbusy is Beautiful: The first chapter in taking back my life

I've always been a busybody. I've always loved running around doing the things, talking to all the people and crossing off each item on my to-do list. And then, all of a sudden I didn't. All at once I got really, REALLY tired and busy got really, really hard. I realized my soul was in need of repair.

It's like that one time when you forgot that you had like one-sixteenth of a tank of gas and you still went to Walmart and Hobby Lobby and Aspen and then while headed to your last stop you realize you only have like 7 miles left in your car. And all of a sudden you get really scared, you frantically search for the closest gas station and barely make it to the pump. And all of a sudden you're consumed by the tears because your heart feels as empty as your gas tank and you don't know how to do anything other than sit in your car and cry as your tank gets filled up but you still sit on empty.

Or maybe it's like the time you took that personality test with your friends because how else are you supposed to avoid your responsibilities? You get your results back and you're not surprised that the picture for your personality is this guy (see below).

And of course in this moment when everything is under control you laugh and even brag at how good you are at balancing all the things in your life. But then all of a sudden someone hands you one too many things, it knocks everything out of your hands and you can't do anything but watch it all fall to the floor. You throw your hands up in defeat, overwhelmed by your seemingly all-consuming failure. You're so frustrated you ignore all of your responsibilities and find yourself sitting on the floor of your dorm room crying on the phone to your mom.

Then the next day you wake up and do it all again, and again, and then a couple more times in a seemingly never-ending cycle. 

Well if you haven't figured out yet, being busy is tiring. And I don't say this meaning, "Wow being busy is SOOOOO hard, everyone should feel sorry for me and acknowledge my busyness." I say this with an overwhelmed sigh of despair that can't say anything other than, "I'm so busy and I can't escape."

The glorification of busy is one of my least favorite things about my generation. Our obsession with busyness has become so commonplace when we answer the question, "How are you?" our initial reaction is "Busy, you?" and we ignore the person we asked the question to because we don't have time to listen. Or at least that's what we tell ourselves. 

My friends have often called me a "Campus Climber." This is a term used on my college campus to describe the individuals who do all the things, and earn all the awards, and know every person they run into. But in my opinion, Campus Climbing is the most dangerous sport of them all. We have taught ourselves that if we can somehow add one more thing to our list of stuff, get that one last award (who are we kidding), then we can show the whole world that we're the busiest of them all, and then and only then we are good enough. Well let me tell you, this campus climber has entered retirement! And oh how much fun it has been! I'll be honest with you, letting go is SO STINKING HARD. Because the thing is I know I could but the question is should I do/apply/run for the next thing. And I answer that question with these questions:

Is it something that glorifies God's and fulfills His purpose for my life? 

Do I ACTUALLY have the time?

Nine times out of ten, the answers no. But about 7 out of 10 times I really, REALLY want to say yes. But let me let you in on a secret, unbusy is SO beautiful! There is SO MUCH FREEDOM in unbusy. Freedom to spend time with my people, freedom to read a book when I want to, freedom to hang out with the Lord in the quiet moments that used to be filled with stuff. I hope everyone gets to experience unbusy in their lifetime! And this doesn't mean that I've stopped doing things all together because the same way I don't believe overly busy is good for the heart the same can be said for not doing anything at all. I was created for a special and unique purpose and so were you, and God uses the stuff in our lives to put forth His kingdom in the world. How cool is that? But just like we have to steward our money so we can pay rent and buy our coffee, we have to steward our time too. And unbusy means pouring out the love the Spirit gives me for others and loving them well, but it also means taking time for me to fill up, to be poured into and the seek Jesus and all the incredible things about Him! 

In this season of unbusy, the Lord has given me such special and sweet gifts. He is teaching me that mornings are my ish, and that watching the sunrise is something new and beautiful every single day! He's teaching me that sonic is my favorite place for life talks, loving on people and laughing about all the awkward things that happen in life. In these moments, sweet, empty, quiet moments that have previously been filled with all kinds of stuff, I get to share new and awesome friendships with people and grow the ones that were already there. God is using my unbusyness for His glory and purpose, and He's using my story to love on my really busy people. The Lord's faithfulness to me in a time where I did nothing but run away from Him is truly overwhelming. When I wrecked my heart, sat in my mess and felt out of His reach, He came to me, sat with me and took my hand and said, "You are never too far gone, and I'm always here." How crazy is that! Jesus came to me, chased after me, even when I was full on sprinting the other direction. This is the God that we get to serve, love and worship. The Lord of all things is waiting for us with open arms, even in our busyness. Even when life gets hard. And especially when we want to do anything but run into those open, loving, grace-filled arms. I can do nothing but count it all as joy!

Lord, thank you for truly unending mercy. Thank you for abounding grace that reaches into the darkest of tunnels and deeps pits. Thank you for seeking us even when that's the last thing we want to do. Thank you for busy seasons that teach painful and powerful lessons. And thank you for unbusy seasons that let us fall into your grace and sink deep into it. Thank you for pouring out love into us especially when we don't deserve it. And above all else, thank you for the Cross, your sacrifice, and your Son, the greatest love of all. In your Son's name we pray!

With joy, love and an unbusy heart,

Kaitlyn

If Only You Knew

Do you ever have those weeks where you just feel, blah? Well, sometimes I feel like I have days that lead to weeks that feel like overwhelming seasons of straight blah. These seasons are hard. The feelings that come along with these seasons are hard and they feel inescapable. But, in this season of my life, this blah feeling seems to ever ebb and flow. It feels like right when I get to the end of the tunnel and I can see the light everything goes dark. And once again I'm just stuck in these feelings.

I think every blah season I've experienced so far has come with different feelings. Currently, I've been trapped in this feeling of constant failure. In the last few months, I've been overwhelmed with the idea that the only thing I've done successfully is in fact fail. Failed at school, failed in raising money, failed in being healthy, failed in my friendships and especially failed at my relationship with God. It's like when one wave hits it just seems like one after the other and I am just purely inundated in a mess of a life that I have no control over and can't even stand on my feet long enough to make anything even remotely better.

And then He speaks to my heart...

In this very special season of life, I have the pure blessing of being totally and completely surrounded by teenage girls. Whether it be red jackets, basketball shorts or just having dinner, being around these people is one of my absolute favorite things. But the coolest thing I've experienced is while I feel like everywhere I turn I am pouring out every ounce of everything the Holy Spirit is giving me into these humans (and LOVING every second of it), in times when it's been my job to teach or direct them, these girls have taught me so stinking much. So often I hear my sweet girls say such mean and awful things not only to each other but to and about themselves. And every time my heart breaks more and more for them. Maybe its because I remember that age and what it was like to hate every single thing about who I was. And maybe its because I can't see them they way they see themselves because when I see these sweet humans I see nothing but God's unending grace, mercy, and powerful purpose and plan for their lives. And so often, literally so often, I just want to grab them by the shoulders, shake them and say, "Don't you know what you are worth?" I wish and hope and pray desperately for them to know how beautiful, capable, wonderful they are. My heart aches for them to see themselves how they were created and intended to be seen; perfectly imperfect beautiful creations of the Lord of all.

And then, I can't do anything but smile...

I hear the Lord whisper these words into my heart, broken and a mess. In my seemingly endless and purely overwhelming failure, "If only YOU knew." It is so easy for me to push myself aside and run to the side of others. And truthfully I would rather do that every time than take care of myself and deal with my messes. But, in this unbelievably beautiful season of un-busy, I am learning what it means to love myself so that my cup may be more full so that I can serve others better, more and deeper. In this blah season, while I am still extending myself grace, I'm also learning to push through these failures. Learning to drag myself out of my warm, cozy bed to spend time with the God who created it each morning. I'm learning what it means to want to be healthy even when I feel beautiful and how keeping a healthy body is glorifying the Lord's purpose for my life. And above all else, how loving myself equips me to love the people around me even more.

Lord thank you for the awesome gift of blah seasons that teach us more than we would like to admit. Thank you for pushing and pulling us all in your direction. And of course, thank you for your sacrifice on the Cross so that we can fail endlessly and still run into your arms.

With a humble, satisfied and still learning heart,
Kaitlyn