Feelings are Hard

What do you do when someone you love hurts your heart but don't know if they understand or care? What do you do when you love someone and you don't feel that love in return? 

Well if you have the answer please let me know because I keep asking myself and I'm not very good at coming up with any good answers.

In my last post I talked about how awesome community is, but I also told you how hard it is for me to let people into my heart. And today is a perfect example of just how hard it is to struggle to tell people what I really want to say. One of my biggest fears in life is being alone. In my deepest darkest, 2am thoughts, I am so afraid that I will end up living life with no one who loves me, and not just boy love, but friendships as well. I am terrified that the people I love most in my life will walk away when things get hard. This fear has been validated before, on account of both parties, but as a result I naturally fear that it will continue to happen throughout my life. Something ironic about me is that even though I am a generally "aggressive" person (or at least that's what the Facebook quizzes tell me), I don't particularly like conflict. This isn't because I want to avoid hard conversations, because let me tell you the conversation is the easy part, it's the aftermath that scares me. I have a hard time being honest with my feelings when I think a relationship is threatened because I would rather be a little "upset" with said person in my life than really sad without them. But along the way to where I am now, I've given up a lot of myself in order to sacrifice for others and a relationship as a whole, and that in itself has taken a toll. I LOVE serving others but sometimes it's nice to feel appreciated for the little things I do. That does not mean that I need a trophy every time I do an act of service as an expression of my love languages, it just means that every once in a while tell me you love me. There is only one friendship in my life thus far that was, to my knowledge and belief, one-hundred percent mutual and where I felt one-hundred percent loved. Considering that this relationship was approximately four years ago, it's hard not to desire these feelings again. I crave a relationship that doesn't require me to feel like I carry it eighty percent of the time. It sounds cheesy, and typical teenage girl, but one thing that I wish for is to not have to text first in every conversation. It's stupid I know, but in the age of technology a person like me (who would actually rather talk on the phone), is stuck texting people who end up not texting back anyway. And I will be the first to admit I'm not very good at texting back but even a five minute conversation that consist of nothing more than "hope you have a good day" or "thinking about you", not initiated by me, means the world. It's the little things that fill my heart with joy and this is why I wish I had someone who understood me and how I love and need to be loved. The little things, that's all I ask for, and in return I am working on trying to give you my heart. So please, be patient with me, I'm trying I really am! 

Thanks for letting me rant,

Kaitlyn

DISCLAIMER:

To my friends that are reading this and slightly hating me at the moment, I LOVE YOU and I always will, and this post does not mean that I resent you for anything. I am simply saying that I did/am doing a poor job at showing you my heart and I'm sorry for that, but I really am trying. And please know that this is not a cry for attention but simply the first step in a honest effort to start to reveal my heart to you. 

The Awesomeness that is Christian Community

What a blessing it is to be surrounded by a group of people that love me. But even better, is a group of people that love me AND Jesus! Currently I am a senior in high school, and the realization that soon I will not get to see these people every day is starting to set in and honestly, some days its really hard. I am blessed. Period. But one of the biggest blessings God has granted me is the community of believers that He has placed in my life. These people have poured into me, loved me, cared for me, and picked me up when life continues to knock me down. God's gift to me through these people is awesome! This last year especially has been tough, but it's also been filled with joy. The tough parts were a lot easier because of my sisters in Christ. These last few years many of my "childhood" friendships have dwindled but I have also grown some amazing friendships during this time. These relationships have given me the opportunity to love girls in a way I didn't even know I could, and others have allowed me to open up enough to let myself be loved by others.

Trust has always played a big part in how I love, but even more so when it comes to letting others love me. I am the first person to show you how much I love you, but allowing other people to break down the walls around my heart is a lot harder for me. In my small group we talked about how women instinctively love, our first thought is to give every ounce of our love to others, but when it comes time to let others in we hesitate more than we like to admit (or at least I do). I'll be the first to tell you that my heart is guarded more than Fort Knox, but I am really trying to change that. Working on my heart is another form of my love. If I trust you enough to TRY to break down my walls I promise, you are exponentially more important to me than I can ever say. It is possible for me to let people in, but it takes a lot, and the more vulnerable I become the scarier it is for me to imagine my life without you. Learning to give people bits and pieces of my heart is something the Lord is truly working on within me and I'm sure it won't ever be instinctive to simply hand over my heart to someone. But I know that God has brought certain people into my life that have earned and are yet to earn a key that unlocks my heart. I pray that everyone has someone that they let in eventually because I have been on the other end of loneliness and it the definition of horrible.

Loving others comes with consequences, but I have discovered that the good far outweigh the bad. Having people that bring Christ's love into my life is something I thank God for everyday. He gives me overabundant joy when it comes to those I love, and it is amazing to see Him work not only in my heart but theirs' as well. I have figured out that when love comes from the Holy Spirit it doesn't run out. Now that doesn't mean I don't have bad days or that I don't get mad, but my love never ends for these people, just as Christ never stops loving us.

So today I'm thankful for Christ's love for me and for His church. I'm thankful for Gabi, and Kylie and Adrienne. I'm thankful for Kenley and Mac. I am thankful for Missy, Seana, and Melissa, for Sam, Haliey, Abby, Kami and Avery. I'm thankful for Jenna and Natalie, for Kateri and Paisley and Kenzi. I'm thankful for Brittnee and Beca' for Sydeny, Karli and Jaci. For the joy that each of these women continuously bring me. Today I thank the Lord for each and every blessing He has given and is yet to give me in the form of everlasting love, and earthly friendships that lead into eternity.

Today I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams, and I wish you the same.

With lots of love and joy,
Kaitlyn