Confessions of a soon to be college freshman

What the heck! High school has come and gone and apparently so has summer and in less than three days I move into my college dorm. It's crazy to think about how fast time has truly flown by! As I transition into this next chapter of my life I find myself in a state filled with thoughts constantly floating around in my brain. Some of these thoughts are happy, some sad, and a lot of them full of anticipation. Below I have confessed these thoughts, take it as you will.

(DISCLAIMER: These are in no particular order)

1. Will I really be able to live with a stranger for the next 9 months?
2. Am I going to be totally and completely overwhelmed with college?
3. Is it possible to find solid christian community at a public school?
4. Is my faith strong enough to withstand everything college will throw at me?
5. Who will I still be friends with out of my high school friend group in college?
6. I find the idea of #RingBySpring to be ridiculous.
7. Will I meet my husband in college?
8. Will I ever figure out what I really want to do?
9. Am I listening to what God is telling me?
10. Did I choose the right school?
11. Am I being realistic when it comes to my life goals?
12. Will I make friends in college?
13. Am I too pushy when it comes to sharing what I think?
14. I am really weirded out at the idea of not seeing my mom every day.
15. How will my family dynamic change once I leave?
16. I can't figure out if my excitement for certain things is passion or just excitement.
17. What is my passion?
18. How do I find it?
19. Am I too independent to be in a relationship?
20. I hate when people see my self confidence as unapproachable. 
21. Am I disciplined enough to stick to my daily readings?
22. I really want to use my planner consistently. 
23. Will I be culture shocked going into college?
24. Am I able to love people well even when they are different from me?
25. I will miss my brother a lot more than I will ever admit.
26. I am really afraid of committing to something and then finding out that I hate it.
27. I know who I am, but I don't understand why people are still surprised at how comfortable I am in my own skin.
28. I want to show people Christ through my life but I feel like I suck at that 99% of the time. 
29. I really want to have fun in college.
30. I want Jesus to be my focus in every season of my life.
31. Why do people find my purity ring weird?
32. I'm really want to have a better diet in college.
33. I am glad I know how to take good notes.
34. I feel like I am overthinking everything.
35. How do I stop?

While writing this list I realized two things 1) I have some really random thoughts, and 2) that I can satisfy a lot of these questions by leaving them at the feet of the Cross. How blessed am I to have a Savior that loves me enough to listen to me drone on and on about every single boring thought in my head. WOW. My God is awesome. I pray you know that too. If you would pray for me during this time of transition in my life and that I will seek God in all things first and foremost. 

With a wandering head and steady heart,

Kaitlyn

Beauty, Confidence and Everything In Between

I have been trying to write this post for the last two week but after yesterday morning I knew I needed to write it.

So, yesterday morning I was headed out to work and I happened to pass by one of the mirrors in my house. As I glanced at my reflection I think to myself, "Wow, I look skinny." Then I had to take a pause, because I just got back from my long weekend vacation and I knew I had put on a couple of pounds, I didn't get skinnier in reality I got bigger. So why did I think I looked skinny? And the more and more I thought about this I realized I associate the idea of "skinny" with pretty. But, what is ironic about this is that even though I don't feel skinny, I feel beautiful. I am confident in who I am, and who I am in Christ but I still sometimes struggle with what confidence is and what it means to live my life confidently...

Confidence is feeling pretty right? Or is it when other people think I'm pretty? Or, is it both?

Well in my experience, confidence is something that is much more than skin deep. Being confident means I can firmly stand on who I am and what I believe. But, I want to talk about what it means to be confident in myself, but also in Jesus.

Now, I was a chubby little kid, then I grew into an overweight kid, that transformed into a self-conscious kid. Which in turn, created a self-conscious teenager and now, here we are. When I look back at the person I used to be and how I felt about myself breaks my heart into a million pieces. I look back at the 6th grade girl who felt so uncomfortable in her body that she cried anytime someone made any kind of comment about her. I think about the 8th grade me that came back from six weeks at weight-loss camp and losing 30Ibs that still wasn't satisfied with her self-image. I think about the junior in high school who sat on the floor in tears as she stared into her closet and cried because she couldn't feel pretty in anything she tried on. I think about the freshman in college that looks at herself in pictures and mentally picks herself apart until there is nothing left than a heaping pile of one of Satan's most powerful lies: I am not good enough.

I am confident.

Sometimes. Most of the time.

I am self-conscious.

Too often.

Junior and senior year of high school I learned a LOT about who I am, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And, in my youth group we went through a series based out of 1 Corinthians that dealt with our spiritual gifts. Throughout this series we talked about how God created us all uniquely for a special and specific purpose in connection to His will. Even though the focus of this series was our spiritual gifts, it also taught me about the importance of my uniqueness as a creation of God. Having confidence is not something that comes naturally as a human being, at least not for me. I only learned to be confident once I learned to love Jesus and understood that I was made exactly the way I am because I fit perfectly into His plan. My confidence is something that without Christ would not exist. Period. Before I knew how important I was to Him and the Kingdom He created I lived a life of constant discomfort and perpetual self-consciousness. And there are some days (more than I would care to admit) that I still do feel insecure about myself, whether that be physically or otherwise. But by learning to lean on Jesus and all of His awesomeness I realized that because I am loved by the God who created the stars and the heavens I was made perfectly and I am perfect the way I am because He made me exactly the way He wanted me. Now I am not saying that I won't try to lose a couple pounds here or there or I won't change up my style (if I ever find some), but what I am saying is that my beauty is not found in my physicality it is found in Christ alone. And I think this is why so many women have a hard time with how they view themselves, because they don't understand that God sees us differently than any other human ever could. The thing that break my heart the most, is when I hear the people in my life who I know have true beauty in their heart and even on the skin still can't see their beauty. Tonight that is something I pray for you as you read this, that you would know how incredibly loved you are, how beautifully made you were and that you would know that you are God's perfect design. I pray that you build a relationship with the Creator of makeup and mirrors and let Him tell you how fearfully and wonderfully made you are.

Tonight I encourage you to look to God's word and let Him tell you who you are, how beautiful you have always been and let it sink in deep in every corner of your heart. Proverbs 31:30 says,

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." - Proverb 31:30

I hope that you listen to what God is telling you; that you are beautiful and perfect in His eyes. True beauty comes from the heart, as they always say but more importantly it comes from Jesus and I hope you keep that close to your heart.

With lots of love and confidence found in Christ,
Kaitlyn

The Blessing of Intentional Relationships

I love people. And to some degree I think I always have. But, because Christ loved me I get to love people even more. The love of God has the power to change every part of a human being, especially the human heart. I have always loved taking care of others, I guess it's just the natural instinct within me but because of the awesomeness of the Holy Spirit that feeling gets amplified by about a million. I truly believe that intentional relationships are the result of God's overflowing love within us. God has gifted me many blessings within my short lifetime and quite a few of these have come in the form of intentional relationships.

Beginning senior year I found myself in an awkward place. Somewhere between the start of junior year and the August before senior year I looked up and realized I didn't necessarily enjoy the majority of people that filled my life. Not to say that some of them didn't bring me great joy, because I promise they did, but I craved something different, something deep, something with intention. Inside my heart there was a desire to love others with every ounce of Christ's overflowing love, but there were very few people in my life I got to share it with. Then God pointed me in the direction of acting intentionally toward those around me. And man oh man did He bless me! For approximately the last week I served as a junior counselor at Oklahoma Girls State. Basically this means I get to spend every second of my days with some of the most amazing twenty-seven women I have ever met. I enjoyed Girls State more than anything because of the relationships I got to build with these lovely ladies which came as a product of intention. But while I spent my week in Norman a huge part of my heart was left in Stillwater where another one of God's products of intentionally stayed. 

For some crazy reason God thought that as a senior in high school I should really get to know younger girls, specifically two sophomores that somehow ended up stealing every piece of my heart. Sometime between August and May, Kenley and Mac ended up being two of the most important people in my life. Yesterday was the first time I saw them for a whole entire week and I could not have been more excited to see them. Being someone who's love language is quality time, I can't really explain how great a feeling it was to sit and talk that night for a solid 30 minutes!

I have established in all the wisdom that fills my seventeen year old body, that God brings people into our lives for a reason. Every one of the people I have met in my life serve a purpose in God's incredible plan for me. So why not share Him with every one of them? One part of graduating high school I didn't really think about was all the gifts you get from people, and nine times out of ten, gifts come with cards. Now, my first love language may be quality time by my secondary is words of affirmation, and there is no cooler way to see all the things God has used a person for than what people write about you in a graduation card. Just like I have talked about before I really struggle with letting people in, but this year I REALLY tried to change that. And after reading the things people wrote to me I think I did a pretty decent job. Once I learned to love people intentionally, I got to see God work through me in awesome and unbelievable ways. 

When we learn to love people with intention God opens incredible doors. So whether that means you get to meet someone's mom as their "favorite person in the world" or you end up taking personality test at two in the morning, God will use you in ways you could never imagine. So tonight I pray that you get to experience this intentional kind of love. I hope you let God open these doors for you.

Filled with love, joy and coffee,

Kaitlyn 

Dating. . . what a topic

Relationships are complicated, this is because people are complicated. Dating is something I really stayed away from in high school. Now, I did go on dates but I never dated a boy, or you could say I never had a boyfriend. This is not another cliche post about how you shouldn't date in high school, or even that you should, I am simply going to tell you what God has placed on my heart and what He has taught me vicariously through others.

That being said, I am not in opposition of or a proponent of dating in high school (and or the pre post-secondary education time frame). My view of a "dating" relationship is that the goal of said relationship is to simply glorify God. Period, point blank. As I watch those around me that have chosen to date, very few of their relationships have ever done this. There are some of my friends that have done a very good job at keeping Christ in the middle but it takes a lot of spiritual discipline and emotional maturity. My biggest opposition to teenagers dating is if you are not emotionally capable of caring for another human being in the way that Christ loves the Church, than you don't need to date. I cannot speak for those who don't have Jesus in their hearts, but for those of us that know the slightest glimpse of God's awesomeness and know the power of Holy Spirit driven love need to understand that dating is not for us if we can't commit to the love God has called us to. Dating and marriage are things that God gave as a gift to mankind that is designed to continue to give Him glory. I have spent too many night on the phone with my friends that are crying on the other end because of something that happened in their relationships, that from the start, were built on something broken. I know that sometimes even Godly relationships come to an end, I am not saying that breakups won't happen, but what I am saying is that a lot of girls (and guys) can be spared heartache by simply changing the way they view their relationships with significant others. We have become so fascinated by the idea of "true love" and "happily ever after" that we forget that God is the point of it all. I believe with my whole heart that God has a special man picked out just for me, and I can't wait to meet him! I have faith that God will bring me a man with everything that I need in a truly God honoring relationship, but this man won't ever be my "true love" because that is a space in my heart only the Creator of the universe could possibly fill. So often I am focused on my loneliness and my desire for a boy that I lose sight of what I am running toward: a life that always pursues Jesus Christ. I've heard it said many ways and many times over the years that when we run toward God with all we can, if you see someone running beside you introduce yourself.

The other thing that as a teenager myself I have noticed when people my age get into dating (or don't), is how their relationship with the Lord changes. Contentment, this plays a huge part in relationships. I have learned a thing or two in my short life span, one of these being when young people like and or enjoy something (or someone), they tend to put their identity and value into that certain thing. A great example of this is relationships with a boyfriend/girlfriend. As someone who has never had a real dating relationship, I can speak firsthand that this is a hard thing to deal with without adding a boy to the mix. If you haven't noticed, I struggle with placing my identity in a lot of things (example a) and adding another, broken human to the mix would have been even more difficult. But over the years I have seen so many of my friends search for their value from within the boys they run around with.  And time and time again I see my girlfriends put their hearts into a person instead of God, and nothing good ever comes of it. As someone who has been single her entire life, I have had to learn the importance of being content. This means being content in many aspects of my life, including: knowing who I am as a creation of God, believing that my relationship with Jesus is enough, and the understanding that God's plan is something that I won't ever fully grasp but need to completely trust. Learning to be content means that I have to hold onto the promise of God's faithfulness to me and to rest in His perfect timing. When it comes to the dating game, that is something a lot of people don't want to wait on and more often than not teenagers, just like me, fall into the trap of self-centered, desire driven relationships.

As someone who desires to love everyone  I leave this at your feet in hopes of you seeing dating with a different, Christ-centered viewpoint. I also hope that you take all that I have said here with a grain of salt. I am not the end-all-be-all of relationship advice, but I come from a place of a small amount of life experience and a lot of Christ-like love. I pray that you ask the Lord to guide your heart when it comes to the dating relationships currently in your life and those that are yet to come.

Lots of love,
Kaitlyn