A Thank You Letter to My Youth Group

Tonight I sit on my bed humbled and sad, filled with pure joy and abounding love for a special gift God has granted me over the last four years. That gift, my youth group at Sunnybrook Christian Church. The last four years have been amazing and tonight was my last Wednesday night YG. Tonight we welcomed the upcoming eighth graders and said congratulations to the seniors. At the end of the night once everyone was introduced, the seniors gathered in a circle and were surrounded by the other YG members and were prayed over. Now I knew at some point I was going to cry, I had been holding off tears all day, but when Seana, my small group leader of the past six years began to cry as she prayed for our futures, that's when it got to me and when I basically lost it. Even though I'm not physically leaving, but still 'leaving' the place I've called home for the last four years is really hard. Driving away from the church tonight was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Over the last four years Jesus has given me so much in the form of knowledge, teachers, and friends from YG and it is a sad thing to no longer be a part of it. It's funny, because I'm not leaving Sunnybrook, heck I'm not even leaving my home town, but I'm still sad to be leaving this part of my life behind. Even through my sadness I know God is working within my heart, and I'm still incredibly thankful for my time in YG so below are some special thank you's to some pretty awesome people who over the years have loved Jesus and somehow decided to love me too.

Bennett,
Thanks for being the cheesiest non-stereotypical cheesy youth pastor possible. Thank you for answering my endless questions and encouraging me to use my leadership for the glory of Christ. I have loved learning from you these last few years, thank you for speaking the truth into my life.

Seana,
Thank you for sticking with us through all these years. You've brought so much into my life and I'm so thankful for every time you sat and listened to me cry or gave me advice about friends. You have set a wonderful example to me and all the girls that have come through our small group the last six years of what a women of Christ truly looks like and I am so blessed because of it. I love you.

Missy and Melissa,
Thanks for hanging out and doing high school with us. You are two unbelievable women that have blessed me in so many ways. I'm so thankful that I have had the opportunity to have you both by my side as I wandered and stumbled my way through high school. To Missy, thanks for all the college advice and constant encouragement! To Melissa, thanks for always sharing an awesome view point in every discussion and always being a smiling face and kind heart to talk with. I'm blessed beyond measure by the footprints you both have left and am excited to continue to walk with you throughout my life.

Natalie,
You just had to go and move to Wichita. Just kidding! I am so thankful for the love and support you gave me over your two years as a small group leader and discipleship person. Your joy for Jesus and love for Him encourage me everyday and I'm so glad God placed you in my life even for a short period of time.

Rebekah,
You are wonderful and I am so blessed by your love and excitement to love the girls at Sunnybrook. Thank you for loving me, listening to me and helping me grow closer to Christ but also for encouraging me to love each and every girl in YG. You are always missed.

Morgan,
Your love for the Lord inspires me everyday. Thank you for pouring into me, listening to me when I come and cry in your office, and simply loving me. Your passion to serve others and speak truth into the lives of everyone around you has taught me so much about what it means to be a follower of Christ.

Kenley and Mac,
Never one without the other. You both have blessed me in ways I never imagined possible. Thank you for letting me hangout with you, eat lunch in the hallway with you and simply love you. You are both wonderful human beings and awesome sisters in Christ. I can't wait to watch you navigate high school because I know you will do amazing things. I love you both and thank you for making my senior year just that much better.

Avery,
My friend, what a ride we've had. By the grace of God we made it here to senior year. We're almost there but my road to this point wouldn't have been anywhere near complete without you on it. You walked with me, sometimes guided me, and always encouraged my to pursue Jesus with my whole heart. Thank you for setting a great example of what it looks like to love and follow Jesus on a daily basis. I will miss you so much when you go to JBU but I know God has some unbelievable things in store for you. I love you sweet friend.

To everyone that I didn't mention, you have played a vital part in my walk and I'm just as thankful for everything you've brought to my life. Tonight I am sad, but I know God has things set out for me that I haven't even thought of yet. So pray that I continue to listen to Him and walk the path He has laid out for me. Tonight yes, I am sad but I'm also blessed. Tonight I meditate on the words of Proverbs:

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

Tonight I am blessed because of the gift God gave me through my youth group. I praise the God who gave me a heart that loves people, and gave me people to walk with on my journey towards Him. So tonight I'm sad, I am blessed, and I am thankful for a God who loves me enough to fill my heart to the max. I am excited for the future and for what God has up next.

With a thankful heart full of joy and much love,
Kaitlyn

Feelings are Hard

What do you do when someone you love hurts your heart but don't know if they understand or care? What do you do when you love someone and you don't feel that love in return? 

Well if you have the answer please let me know because I keep asking myself and I'm not very good at coming up with any good answers.

In my last post I talked about how awesome community is, but I also told you how hard it is for me to let people into my heart. And today is a perfect example of just how hard it is to struggle to tell people what I really want to say. One of my biggest fears in life is being alone. In my deepest darkest, 2am thoughts, I am so afraid that I will end up living life with no one who loves me, and not just boy love, but friendships as well. I am terrified that the people I love most in my life will walk away when things get hard. This fear has been validated before, on account of both parties, but as a result I naturally fear that it will continue to happen throughout my life. Something ironic about me is that even though I am a generally "aggressive" person (or at least that's what the Facebook quizzes tell me), I don't particularly like conflict. This isn't because I want to avoid hard conversations, because let me tell you the conversation is the easy part, it's the aftermath that scares me. I have a hard time being honest with my feelings when I think a relationship is threatened because I would rather be a little "upset" with said person in my life than really sad without them. But along the way to where I am now, I've given up a lot of myself in order to sacrifice for others and a relationship as a whole, and that in itself has taken a toll. I LOVE serving others but sometimes it's nice to feel appreciated for the little things I do. That does not mean that I need a trophy every time I do an act of service as an expression of my love languages, it just means that every once in a while tell me you love me. There is only one friendship in my life thus far that was, to my knowledge and belief, one-hundred percent mutual and where I felt one-hundred percent loved. Considering that this relationship was approximately four years ago, it's hard not to desire these feelings again. I crave a relationship that doesn't require me to feel like I carry it eighty percent of the time. It sounds cheesy, and typical teenage girl, but one thing that I wish for is to not have to text first in every conversation. It's stupid I know, but in the age of technology a person like me (who would actually rather talk on the phone), is stuck texting people who end up not texting back anyway. And I will be the first to admit I'm not very good at texting back but even a five minute conversation that consist of nothing more than "hope you have a good day" or "thinking about you", not initiated by me, means the world. It's the little things that fill my heart with joy and this is why I wish I had someone who understood me and how I love and need to be loved. The little things, that's all I ask for, and in return I am working on trying to give you my heart. So please, be patient with me, I'm trying I really am! 

Thanks for letting me rant,

Kaitlyn

DISCLAIMER:

To my friends that are reading this and slightly hating me at the moment, I LOVE YOU and I always will, and this post does not mean that I resent you for anything. I am simply saying that I did/am doing a poor job at showing you my heart and I'm sorry for that, but I really am trying. And please know that this is not a cry for attention but simply the first step in a honest effort to start to reveal my heart to you. 

The Awesomeness that is Christian Community

What a blessing it is to be surrounded by a group of people that love me. But even better, is a group of people that love me AND Jesus! Currently I am a senior in high school, and the realization that soon I will not get to see these people every day is starting to set in and honestly, some days its really hard. I am blessed. Period. But one of the biggest blessings God has granted me is the community of believers that He has placed in my life. These people have poured into me, loved me, cared for me, and picked me up when life continues to knock me down. God's gift to me through these people is awesome! This last year especially has been tough, but it's also been filled with joy. The tough parts were a lot easier because of my sisters in Christ. These last few years many of my "childhood" friendships have dwindled but I have also grown some amazing friendships during this time. These relationships have given me the opportunity to love girls in a way I didn't even know I could, and others have allowed me to open up enough to let myself be loved by others.

Trust has always played a big part in how I love, but even more so when it comes to letting others love me. I am the first person to show you how much I love you, but allowing other people to break down the walls around my heart is a lot harder for me. In my small group we talked about how women instinctively love, our first thought is to give every ounce of our love to others, but when it comes time to let others in we hesitate more than we like to admit (or at least I do). I'll be the first to tell you that my heart is guarded more than Fort Knox, but I am really trying to change that. Working on my heart is another form of my love. If I trust you enough to TRY to break down my walls I promise, you are exponentially more important to me than I can ever say. It is possible for me to let people in, but it takes a lot, and the more vulnerable I become the scarier it is for me to imagine my life without you. Learning to give people bits and pieces of my heart is something the Lord is truly working on within me and I'm sure it won't ever be instinctive to simply hand over my heart to someone. But I know that God has brought certain people into my life that have earned and are yet to earn a key that unlocks my heart. I pray that everyone has someone that they let in eventually because I have been on the other end of loneliness and it the definition of horrible.

Loving others comes with consequences, but I have discovered that the good far outweigh the bad. Having people that bring Christ's love into my life is something I thank God for everyday. He gives me overabundant joy when it comes to those I love, and it is amazing to see Him work not only in my heart but theirs' as well. I have figured out that when love comes from the Holy Spirit it doesn't run out. Now that doesn't mean I don't have bad days or that I don't get mad, but my love never ends for these people, just as Christ never stops loving us.

So today I'm thankful for Christ's love for me and for His church. I'm thankful for Gabi, and Kylie and Adrienne. I'm thankful for Kenley and Mac. I am thankful for Missy, Seana, and Melissa, for Sam, Haliey, Abby, Kami and Avery. I'm thankful for Jenna and Natalie, for Kateri and Paisley and Kenzi. I'm thankful for Brittnee and Beca' for Sydeny, Karli and Jaci. For the joy that each of these women continuously bring me. Today I thank the Lord for each and every blessing He has given and is yet to give me in the form of everlasting love, and earthly friendships that lead into eternity.

Today I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams, and I wish you the same.

With lots of love and joy,
Kaitlyn

What I Really Mean When I Say "I Love You"

When you hear the words "I love you", what comes to your mind? Your mom? Your boyfriend? What about your best friend?

For lot of people you say "I love you" to those you see everyday, who you maybe sorta like, or you might even say it to your brother every once in a while. But for me the phrase "I love you" means a lot more than just those three simple words. 

"I love you" from me means I would do anything for you. It means when I ask you about your day I really truly care about the answer. When I say "I love you" it means I would give you my whole entire heart if it means it would make your bad day better. It means that at 3 in the morning if you need ANYTHING I will be there in a heartbeat. It tells you that even when I disagree with you I will always stand behind you. "I love you" means that, yes, I will kill the spiders. That I would do anything is the world to see you smile. "I love you" means that I trust you enough to tell you that I really do love YOU! 

Saying these three words to you means that in all of your craziness, all of your sadness, happiness, and everything in between, you have blessed my life in unbelievable measure and that my heart truly fills overwhelmingly with joy whenever I am with you. It means that you have given me so much that "I love you" is the only thing I could even come close with to try and explain that feeling. And I want every one of you to know that no matter the distance, busyness, or how bad of a disagreement we are in, I will ALWAYS love you. Always and forever, and absolutely nothing could ever change that. So thank you for letting me love you, but even better thank you for loving me back. 

With overflowing joy and love,

Kaitlyn