To the Girl Who Has to Be,
Where do I even begin?
My sweet friend, you are so wonderful, more than you can ever understand. But you don't always feel that way. Sometimes it feels like your trapped. It feels like the weight of the world is bearing down on your shoulders and you can't escape it, because you are the girl that has to be strong. And being strong means that you can't let all the other people in the world know that you feel every emotion running through your body. Being strong means that when the world turns upside down, as the one who is holding everything up, if you drop even a little bit the small shelter you provide others will shatter just like everything else.
Sometimes to be the girl that has to be means when you are struggling, I mean really struggling, the kind of struggling so hard that you can't even form the words kind of struggling, you have no one to turn to. Because you're the girl who has to be perfect. And to be perfect means to never need anything from anyone, to be able to go through everything life throws at you and seem completely unscathed to the rest of the world. It feels like no matter what you do, or say, or accomplish, you will never be enough.
Sometimes to be the girl who has to be is cramming yourself in a box. The type of box that other people have created with beautiful and intricate ideas and designs. These boxes were created with the best intentions at heart but it's just not quite the fit for you. Sometimes these boxes are so small you overflow out of them and feel like you are way too much for the people in your life. But other times the boxes are so stinking big they swallow you right up and before long you feel as if you just fade into the background, forgotten and filled with disappointment. But you're the girl who has to be the people pleaser, so you take it, moment after moment, day after day until you can't take it anymore.
I know exactly what it feels like to be the girl who has to be because I am that girl. I'm the girl that bears the weight of the world on her shoulders. I'm the girl that feels like perfection is the only option in order to be loved. I'm the girl that both overflows and gets swallowed up by the boxes others have created. But I don't want to be her anymore, and the best part is I don't have to be.
But, I want to ask you a question. Who told you, you have to be? Who said you had to bear the weight of the world all on your own? Who told you that perfection was the only option? Who told you what box you had to live in forever? Can I let you in on a secret? Most of the time, if we're really honest with ourselves, the answers to these questions is us. Yes, people will ask us for help, but when did it become our responsibility to hold the world in the process? Yes, we want to present ourselves in a good way but when did our self-presentation transform into the need to satisfy an insatiable standard? Yes, we want to please the people in our lives but why do we have to give up living for ourselves to please everyone else?
It took a long (and I mean looonggg) time for me to grasp this. It took even longer for me to let go of that girl. But I definitely didn't do it on my own.
Now, I have a friend. This friendship is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But, my friend and I have only recently become friends because our relationship got off to a bit of a rocky start. But, I want to go ahead and introduce you to her. My friend's name is grace. Grace and I have a mutual friend, Jesus, He is the one who introduced me to her actually. He told me all about her and let us get acquainted. But when grace and I first met it felt too good to be true. I kept waiting for her to slip up and say something mean about me or point out one of my many flaws. I expected her to finally see what I saw, my mess and my mess ups and just waited for her to walk out of the doorway of my life. But I realize now that the reason grace and I didn't become friends at first, wasn't her fault, it was mine.
Some of my first encounters with my friend grace went a little something like this:
In all of her kindness and love, grace would tell me things like "You don't have to, you know, put the entire world (and its problems) on your back," and she even tried to tell me that wasn't my job! She told me all about how I have to share the load and let others help. When she told me this I looked in her eyes and laughed in her face because everyone knows that I the best problem fixer there is, so why shouldn't I help everyone in my life?
Another time she told me that "Perfection is overrated!" How outrageous is that? Everyone knows that being perfect is what gets us everything we want in life. Because when we're perfect everything works out for us, we get the best job and the cutest house and the ideal man. Perfection is the standard, there is nothing else. But get this, then she tried to tell me that messing up is normal, but who wants to be normal anyway?
And then, she told me that I didn't have to fulfill everyone's expectations of me. But she obviously doesn't know that people pleasing is something I excell at! And, when I satisfy the expectations of other people I don't even have to worry about setting any for myself, and that is real freedom.
When grace first starting speaking the Truth into my life, I was not in a place where could hear her because I didn't want to. I thought that being the girl that has to be was a pretty good gig honestly until it stopped being good and started to get really, really, hard. The most beautiful thing about grace is that she never stops. Never stops loving me, pursuing me, encouraging me and showing me what it means to let Jesus have control. The truth is, I didn't want grace to release me from being the girl that has to be because I had the control. As grace poured over me I realized that to take her hand meant that I had to let go of the death grip I had on my life. I thought that as long as everything was in my hands everything would be fine, I could pretend to be perfect in public and cry myself to sleep in private. I thought that as long as everyone around me believed that I really could hold the world then maybe, just maybe, I could.
What a horrible burden.
For all of my sweet friends that know my story too well, let go. PLEASE let go. Release yourself from the burden of the world, the lie of perfection and the trap of expectations. The Lord of all Creation has called us (yes you and me!) because of His grace and His love. And what He says about us is that we are ENOUGH, we are WORTH IT and we are SO LOVED. There is no burden in that, none and at. There is freedom in the Cross and how Jesus laid down His life for your's and mine. If no one else will let me tell you, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE, and that's the end of the story. You and all of your wonderful, beautiful and perfectly-imperfection are all that the Lord wants, and all He needs to fulfill your ultimate purpose: to glorify, serve and love Him. Let that be all you have to be.
Lord I pray for the girls that have to be. I beg you to lead them to the light of freeing and redeeming grace that washes over us. God I ask that you whisper the Truth to them as they learn what it means to be okay with messes and mess ups. Holy Spirit move them toward their ultimate purpose and away from the lies of burden and perfection and expecations. Jesus thank you for taking our place on the Cross so that we get to make friends with grace. Thank you for your unending love.
In Your Son's name. Amen.
All my love,
Kaitlyn
