This summer has been WILD. It's been so good, so hard and so very far out of my comfort zone, but nonetheless beautiful. Over the last two months, I have been more isolated from my people than I ever have been before. It was the strangest thing to still be in Oklahoma and feel a million miles away, and its been even harder being in Milwaukee, 680 miles away. But, I have learned so much about God's faithfulness in such a special way. Working sixteen-hour days, pouring into middle schoolers and sleeping on cheap dorm room beds all have definitely added to the adventures. I knew that spending a summer with FOCUS would be awesome but I didn't realize how much I would grow.
Being with students for basically a full month was hard. I absolutely loved every second of it but it was taxing. The reality of knowing something and experiencing it are two totally different things. Knowing that Oklahoma has a messed up education system has never been surprising to me, but to see it and to grapple with the reality of it hit me way harder than I ever imagined. Watching student after student struggle to write a simple sentence, or misspell even the simplest of words broke down my heart bit by bit. But everything came crashing down when the reality of life at home for my students came to the forefront. Hearing of their heartache and hardships even as, twelve, thirteen, fourteen-year-olds shatters every piece of my heart. The crazy thing is when my world got turned on its head in the midsts of camp. When I questioned my purpose and desire to teach more than I ever had before, being with my students pulled me back to the reality of why the Lord pulled me in the direction of teaching in the first place. And the coolest part, the Lord was waiting, arms wide open, ready for my return.
Heading back to Milwaukee was what we all needed. Physically and emotionally exhausted from giving all we had to these students, I know I needed the break. But being in the city has had its own set of unique challenges. Going from sixteen-hours days and no time to myself to working normal hours and lots of free time threw me through a whirlwind for sure. But the craziest thing is, for the first time in my life I feel rested. This is because for the first time in my life I've been forced to rest. With everyone I love is completely out of reach I had to find ways to entertain myself. And the beautiful part about this is that meant I have to deal with why I haven't been resting in the first place. Why have I been running from being filled up? But in these moments the Lord is whispering the sweet Truth to me. He is reminding me and reaffirming me that, me, by myself, with nothing to hold onto, nothing to hide in and no to-do list to run to, I am enough. And this reality has rocked me to my core. The Lord, in all of His patience and endless love, scooped me up dragged me across the country and placed me in a quiet single room dorm on UWM's campus all so He could tell me these things. Oh, how cool is that!
Resting is so important, I know that. I HAVE known that, but now I understand it. I understand that resting isn't selfish, it's life-giving, it's freeing and it's necessary! But the cool thing is, Jesus knew this all along. He has whispered it to me for years, preparing me for this moment. Preparing me for the season that I know I will need it in and all of the seasons to come. He loves me enough to let me figure all of this out on my own. To stumble through the mess of a life that I've built and to point me in the direction that leads to Him. How thankful am I that we have a Savior that does this for us, and in my case, does it over and over again.
Lord, I ask that through this season of isolation, of quietness and rest, that you would prepare me to face what is coming. Teach me again how to go back to my "normal" but only in a way that shows me what it means to rest in you and with you. Spirit guide me, take hold of my heart and move my feet in that direction, because we know I won't do it on my own. Lord thank you for the people in my life that have continued to remind me of this. Thank you for their willingness to push me toward rest, keep my ears and heart open to these words of Truth as they continue to speak them to me. Lord thank you for your grace. Grace with me and my decisions, for my lack of listening and for my desire to do what I wanted, even when I knew what would happen. Thank you for loving me enough to take my place on the Cross. Thank you for dying the death that I deserved (and still do). Thank you for seasons with big and in-your-face lessons and thank you for seasons with subtle and quiet ones. Thank you for your love for me.
In your Son's name. Amen.
All my love,
Kaitlyn
