I've been in a really dark place. My first year of college was so much fun, filled with exciting and new adventures, and lots of great people. But, I ignored the most important thing of all, me. I put aside myself and my needs on a daily basis, in every shape and form that needs can come in.
Sleeping....at max six hours (on a good night)
Eating.....making the worst possible choices
Resting......going non-stop for the last ten months
Spending time with the Lord......non-existent
Taking care of myself.....I've forgotten how
When I say I wrecked myself, I mean that in its purest, most, real form. I was scattered all over the place, my heart in pieces and a darkness that seemed never-ending. I begged and pleaded and wanted more than anything for this dark, hard-heartedness to abandon my soul but I couldn't find a way out. I desperately tried to fix my broken heart on my own and no matter what I tried I could never keep all of the tiny pieces together. I ran myself so ragged with stress, and priorities, and worrying about everyone else but myself. I forgot what it felt like to be overflowing with joy. I couldn't remember how to want to love and serve others in its purest form. I was unable to connect with the One person who loves even the deepest darkest parts of me.
My cup was completely empty.
My heart was in a million pieces.
I felt like this sadness would never end, until about a week ago. Last Sunday I sat in a room full of people, in the most unlikely setting and realized that God had answered my prayers. I fought back tears as I searched for the burden on my heart that was no longer there.
My cup was no longer empty.
My heart, in all its pieces, had been put back together.
I truly believe that the Lord touches lives and changes hearts in the most simple and beautiful ways. And for me, my heart just had to be in a million tiny, little pieces before that could happen. But what I am most thankful for is that through my brokenness, through my despair, through my shattered and heart, God has created something beautiful within me. He has chosen to continue to work and touch lives through the Holy Spirit even in these painful times. But the coolest part of it all is when He put my heart back together, even though it may be in many pieces, He created a beautiful masterpiece. Something so beautiful that it can only shine for His glory, and I hope with all my heart I do it justice. And while I am not naive enough to think that this is the last time my heart will be broken and reshaped, I do know that it will still be beautiful and still very, very good.
With lots of love and reshaped heart,
Kaitlyn
