My friends have gotten way more used to hearing this phrase than I ever wanted them to. My family hears is every time I race away from our weekly lunches on Sunday afternoons. But worst of all I've been saying this to my Creator more often than not. And even worse than saying it in the first place, I can tell that it has taken a toll on my heart. My second full-time semester at college was filled with a lot of great things that have given me great joy but it has not been without stress and hardships and a LOT of heartache too.
This semester I skipped over the running I hit the ground in a dead sprint, and by the end of the semester, you could definitely tell. I started off, second week back from school--philanthropy event, basketball practice every weekday, four weekly meetings and going to class (because unfortunately, that isn't optional). Getting into February meant being less overwhelmed but not enough to feel like I wasn't drowning. March was better, it really was. School ball was over so no practice every day but travel team season had begun and while only practicing two days a week isn't near as much as five, transitioning from assistant coach to head coach was a whole different type of learning curve. Then finally, Spring Break arrived. Over the hump. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. April kind of snuck up on me, but our spring philanthropy event came and went (thank goodness). And then BOOM, its May. Dead Week wiped us all out and before I knew it my friends were all packed up and off for the summer.
And now here I am.
Stuck here with myself and all of my free-time. As I recapped this semester and glancing over my calendar week by week it blows my mind that I could manage the monster that this thing has become. I looked at it just now and I probably could throw up with how overwhelming it just looks, let alone how I felt living it. But even when I look back on how my life has been scheduled down to the second for the last five months I realize something has been missing all along. Things like club meetings and basketball practices were always in the calendar in their respective colors, I knew when they happened and I planned for them as I made sure that they were a priority of mine. But through all of this crazy organized chaos, I never made time for the One who gives me my time to spend. I was so quick to always put my faith on the back burner and now I'm paying the consequence.
Placing everything before my relationship with Jesus has wreaked havoc on my heart. It has caused a numbness that I never even knew existed. And I believe that it has hindered my ability to serve my purpose for the Lord completely and fully over this last semester, and I would even go as far to say this last school year. I woke up one day and realized that I had fallen out of love with showing Love to others. That is scary, it breaks my heart that my heart no longer breaks for the things that His breaks for, and that is all because I stopped asking for Him to do it. I stopped asking the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His and it shows in my heart. I feel the emptiness deep in my soul. I created it. I choose to put everything else first, and now I'm reaping what I have sowed.
The hardest part about this semester is how emotionally turned off and tuned out I was. Still, in this moment I am relearning to feel and to live those emotions. I think back to my senior year of high school and I would call that my highest spiritual point in my life thus far. I was connected so deeply to the Lord in such an intimate and personal way and I desperately want to get back to this point, but it is hard, not impossible but incredibly hard. I'm doing my best to try and get back to this point. But the idea that I could fall off the wagon again is incredibly daunting, but I'm still going for it. Over this last semester what little I have written has been mostly about how Jesus is chasing after my heart even when I've run away from His. Well, the tables are turning, and the tides are changing because while I know that the Lord will pursue me for all of my days, there is no reason that I can't chase Him right back. I know that when I make mistakes that the Lord has forgiven them even before they happen but there is a difference between knowing that I am forgiven and changing the way that I respond to His forgiveness.
So tonight I am choosing to choose Jesus over my calendar. I'm choosing to chase after Him as He chases after me. I know there are challenges ahead of me and while most days they scare me, but I also know that I never have to run this race alone.
With joy and a willing heart,
Kaitlyn
