It's so funny I actually posted this article (What I Wish My Friends Knew About My Busy Schedule) a year ago today as a senior in high but it's even more relevant now as a college freshman. I LOVE and HATE my busy schedule because of everything that is said in this article. The author explains how balancing her priorities within her schedule and being with her friends is so difficult. And I can tell you first hand that it is hard when I have so many things to do and not enough time with my people. But I have been blessed and I mean B L E S S E D with people in my life who love the heck out of me even when I'm at my max and my cup is completely empty. I remember at the beginning of my first semester having a conversation with one of my now best friends. We had applied for some of the same things and we both ended up getting interviews for two of the organizations I am now part of. I remember talking with her the night we found out if we got into one of the organizations and I got phone call and she got an email. At first I was scared to say anything but when I finally told her that I got accepted she was so excited for me. I was blown away. I had never had friends who would have been excited for me in a situation like this, and it continued on. Sarah has been incredibly supportive of everything I have done this year and I don't think I will ever be able to explain to her how thankful I am for her. But, to my amazement more than just Sarah has been encouraging me on the journey through what feels like the craziest 9 months of whole my life. My sweet sorority sisters have been nothing but a source of support when I'm exhausted and my biggest cheerleaders when I take on a new adventure. And time and time again I am astonished at the fact that there are people who care so deeply for me, in spite of my busyness, in spite of me constantly being late and having to rush off, in spite of being exhausted and running on fumes, they still cheer me on. Wow, what an INCREDIBLE blessing these people are to me.
But, it's still hard.
I had a conversation just last night (technically this morning VERY early because busy people don't get to sleep) about why I am the way that I am. We talked about why now in this season of my life I am over being busy. I love the adrenaline of the stress. Which sounds crazy because in the moment I hate being stressed, but its true. The rush of being in a rush is my kind of thrill. It makes me feel important. It makes me feel as if I have a purpose. And each time I race and race and race eventually I crash, every time. Because even though the high is great, the low is my version of hell here on earth. When I feel needed I am thriving because I am so willing to hand my self worth over to someone else and say in this moment you make me feel SO good. But when I'm not needed anymore and they stop making me feel so good I don't know how to take back that control. I can't seem to relinquish the control of my intrinsic value from their grasp. And while I have some truly wonderful friends who care about me in a real and genuine way there are people in my life who don't. And when I take all of the pennies out of my already broken self-worth piggy bank and try to let a broken stock broker hold onto it, it never works out. The stress of it all is taking a toll on me mentally, physically, emotionally and I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be too busy for the people I love. I'm tired of chasing the thrill. I'm done. But no matter what I do, or try I can't seem to get out of this cycle. It feels never ending. It feels like I'm trapped.
But, then Jesus steps in.
Through this mess of busyness I have created for myself I am thankful that the Lord is teaching me to let go of my desire to let my busyness be my fulfillment. He is showing me what it means to relinquish any and all control of my self worth. And that process sucks, A LOT. Because it is scary, and uncertain, and unknown. And as a human being, especially as a woman, giving up control of anything is hard but it's even harder when it has everything to do with the deepest part of my heart and deals with everything that I am. Holy crap is it scary. But it is worth every scary, uncertain and unknown moment. Because sanctification is so much better than a cheap thrill of stress and my neediness of being needed. My God is changing and pulling at my heart because He wants me to be like Him. That is crazy! The Creator of the universe doesn't need anything, He is Perfect on His own, He needs nothings and no one, and yet He still chooses me. What a beautiful picture He painted for you and me.
And while I am encouraged by the love and mercy the Lord shows me in my sinfulness I still am nowhere near having it all figured out. But what I do know is that I am excited about the possibilities of what an open schedule can lead me too. I know that there are things that will be placed at my feet. I am patiently anxious about the new relationships I will get to invest in and the brand new things that I can't even think of that the Lord will get to use me for. All because I am intentionally trying to let go of letting my busyness control me. I can't wait to see what He brings, because I know it will be so very good because that is all that He can ever be.
With excited anticipation for the future and lots of love,
Kaitlyn
