I'm tired. I'm tired all the time.
I'm tired physically. Because sleep is for the weak (or at least thats what they tell us).
I'm tired emotionally. I cry a lot, solely because I am tired.
I'm tired spiritually. I'm at the point where it has become difficult to spend intimate time with my Creator because I am so tired.
I'm tired relationally. I feel like there are never enough hours in the day to get my to-do list accomplished and love my people well and in the end both suffer.
I'm tired...of being tired.
The worst part of all of this, I did it to myself. I have been chasing something so hard and fast for so long that I lost track of all of the time I've lost trying to fulfill something that is frankly out of my control. I have been running hard and fast after validation in something that will matter for a blink of an eye. I have put everything I am, once again, into something that will never eternally define me.
But yet I still chase...
I have taken my focus off the One that I am supposed to be one with and started to run after something that won't ever be enough. And I have to stop. I want to stop, but I can't seem to find the brakes. And truth be told somewhere not-so-deep inside my heart I don't want to stop just yet. I'm so close. The race is almost over. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But will everything that I've done, will it even be enough? Am I enough?
Even if I make it out of this semester alive there is always the possibility that I won't have done enough. There is always the chance that even when I give everything I am I will never be enough. But the best part of all of this is I don't have to be. The most beautiful thing about the Cross is the fact that I continue to run away from it time and time again, and even then Jesus still chases after my heart.
My heart.
My broken, empty, unworthy heart.
And He says to me, "You are enough because I Am enough."
You know, I always thought that after God showed me how faithful He is I could never even think about running toward anything but Him. But He knew that I would, and He knows that I probably will again. And still He shows me immeasurable Grace. What an incredible thing.
There is a sticker on the inside of my laptop and it says,
"And if not, He is still good" Daniel 3:18
Hopefully when you buy laptop stickers you take the time to fact check any bible verses because I certainly did not. While I did see this sticker and understand that it speaks truth about who He is and His faithfulness I did not know what the actual verse said.
But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." Daniel 3:18 *for real*
What a gut check, let me just tell you. As I chased my own "golden image" I lost sight of the true reward I already have. But as I reread this verse I know that it points back to nothing more than how great my God is. I am so thankful that I serve a God who would save Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego from the furnace and in the same way save me from myself and my brokenness time and time again. Even when I turn away from Him He extends an unwavering hand of grace, love and mercy. When I run from Him He runs after me. How thankful am I for that.
Overwhelmed by never ending grace and love,
Kaitlyn
