It's Just a Thing...

It's just a thing. This is what I have come to realize. Now don't get me wrong, it's a very cool thing, its a thing I'm very proud of, it's a thing that I have wanted for a very long time. But, it's still just a thing. I have wanted to be a Top Ten Freshman since I was about ten years old so you could say I've wanted this for as long as I can remember. I don't remember what it's like to not want to be a Top Ten. I chased and chased this thing. I lost a LOT of sleep, I wasted a LOT of my time, but, the Lord taught me SO MUCH through this experience.

On September 8th I turned in my application for Top Ten, on September 8th this is what I wrote in my journal:

"I turned in my Top Ten application today. It's so amazing to think that I've worked for this moment all year and it has finally come. It's also crazy to think how much my perception of this award has changed over that last year.
I came into college with a desperate and overwhelming desire to be known and wanted. And a year ago Kaitlyn thought the solution to these desires was to be a Top Ten freshman. I see now that I went about it all wrong. What I crave and desire is not some superficial name recognition, what I wanted (and still want) is to be intimately known and cared for by genuine people. This award can never give me that, not even in the slightest. 

I was talking to Sydney and Eden today in the computer room and I told them not to live their lives chasing after this award. In that moment, I was (and still am) a hypocrite. But I now know why I was given the same advice a year ago. It's because when I chase the award I lose sight of why I do things in the first place or do things for the wrong reasons altogether. I chased this award because I thought it would bring me some kind of twisted satisfaction or validation. But, instead, it brought me incredible heartache, pain, and overwhelming stress. Chasing this award caused me to change myself.  I thought that if I could survive the hell just so I can be a Top Ten, then it will all be worth it. And right now I don't know if it is or not. I know that through the trials that I brought upon myself God molded and changed my heart for His glory and purpose. But I also brought myself a lot of pain and heartache over something that won't mean a thing a year from now.

The advice I wish I would have received or listened to would be to do the things that I love. To really invest in the people around me. To genuinely seek the Lord above everything else, above sorority, above my friends, above my to-do list. I wish I would have listened when someone said, "Take care of yourself." But I didn't take that advice, I didn't listen when people I deeply love and that genuinely love me told me these things."

This journal entry truly sums up everything I have gone through in the last year. My heart has been pushed and pulled to look more like Jesus is the most awesome (and painful) ways. Chasing Top Ten I did lose part of myself, I lost the part of myself that put my identity in Jesus and what He did on the Cross. All because I wanted to be known. Like I wrote in my journal, I came to college with a desire that I desperately needed to be filled. I thought that if a stadium full of people heard my name and saw my face on a jumbotron then I would be known. I vividly remember one of my first weeks in college, I was sitting on the floor bawling to my mom on the phone talking to her about how desperately I wanted people to notice me. A year ago Kaitlyn just wanted someone to look at her and say, "You are awesome and more people should know that." I just wanted people to see me. But Kaitlyn now understands that I wanted to be seen in all the wrong ways. Standing on the field this afternoon surround by 50,000 people who heard my name and cheered for me didn't really mean anything because they don't know me. They may know who I am but they don't know me. They don't know my heart and most of them never will. Those people who watched me be recognized will never know what my chasing cost me, they don't appreciate everything I did to get my spot on that field. But, they don't have to. While I still have a need to be known and wanted, I understand now that there are people in my life that really truly care about me. And these people do know me. They know my heart, they know my quirks, and they choose to love me still. That is something this award could never ever give me.

Through my chasing I went through some really hard times, some of the most difficult seasons of my entire walk with the Lord. I learned some pretty powerful lessons but on the flip side, I get to fall in love with my God more and more every day because of these trials that turned into teaching points. One of the most special things we get to do with our God is fail. In this season (and this life) I have failed a lot! The Lord lets us fail because He lets us choose. But even when we don't choose Him, two things happen in spite of that choice: He uses the circumstances we put ourselves in and He chases after us no matter what. Our God is so big and so merciful He allows us to mess up so that we may see His goodness even more. This doesn't make up for our sin, and it doesn't excuse our future choices to sin, but it does mean that when I fall short He takes up the slack. In these times of failure, in sinful decisions and in pure and utter refusal to listen to the quiet voice of the Lord telling me I am enough in Him, He still forgives and still works to make my heart more like His.

A few months ago someone asked me if I ended up becoming a Top Ten would everything I put myself through be worth it. I thought that on this night I would have a clear answer. I thought that after doing the thing I would be able to definitively say, "yes" or "no." But, I can't. From my tiny human perspective, my ego and pride scream "yes." But the humble Spirit inside of me whispers "no." But, me in the form of a broken Godly woman doesn't know if there really is a right answer. Because while I made mistakes and I went about things the wrong way at times, sometimes I did get it right. In some moments I did things for the right reason, for God's glory. But in the moments I didn't God still used them to shape my heart to look more like His, and I can't say that is ever a bad thing.

My advice and words of wisdom for anyone chasing something of this world, regardless of what it is, honestly evaluate with yourself if you are doing things for the right reasons or if you're just doing them to get your "thing." Things are not inherently bad, they become bad when they become more important than our purpose to bring glory to our Creator. And, if your thing is anything like mine, you shouldn't have to chase it. If by doing the things you do and doing them because you enjoy them is enough then let it be enough, and if it's not enough let it not be enough. Sometimes we fall short. Period. It happens, but don't let your so-called "shortcomings" allow you to question God's goodness or His perfect plan for your life because sometimes we fall short and God is glorified even more than if we get what we thought we needed or deserved. The things in our life cannot define us because God declared long ago that we are His. Because of this, we can let go of the expectations laid on us by the world (and ourselves). Trust God with your thing, He won't take you down the wrong path. I'm not saying that whatever path is laid out for you will be easy, what I am saying is that it will be worth it.

My prayer for you tonight, and every night, is to chase after the one thing that matter, God and His purpose for you. Everything else will come, in His perfect timing.

With a humble heart,
Kaitlyn

A Thousand Times I Failed, Still Your Mercy Remains

This has been a really tough season for me. I've been in a dark place for the last few months and I've felt like there was no way out. I hoped with all my heart that this summer would refresh me, but it didn't. I dug myself a hole so deep it felt like I would never get out of it. I have failed so much and so often I felt as if I was too far away for even God to reach me. And then I started listening...

Should I stumble again, still I'm caught in your grace

I started to listen and respond to the truth that I know in my head and little by little I'm letting it sink back into my heart. Slowly I have begun to be still in His presence and learn how to be overwhelmed with His mercy. For so long I've felt that I was too far gone that God's grace was too good for me to even receive. Oh, how wrong I was. I thank the Lord for His unending mercy and never failing grace because I am just now realizing once again that infinite truly means no limit. When He tells me I am set free from my sin because of what He did on the cross I fall at His feet every time. This season has been so hard for me because I have watched my heart go dark, I watched the person I was becoming look less and less like me, I watched as my connection and relationship with my creator hung by a single thread. I have been attacked by the devil more in these last five months than I have ever been in my lifetime. Spiritual warfare is so real, more real than I ever imagined and the devil has a way of twisting what we think and feel into something so terrible that we are willing to run away from the God of redemption and healing. But I'm not running anymore...

Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades

He is with me always, God's wants to be with me. If I'm being totally honest I have sat down time and time again over these last five months to put these words on a page, and every time nothing came out. But I know now that in those moments I wasn't ready to accept the grace that the Lord never stopped extending to me, but I'm ready now. I'm running as hard and fast as I can into the arms of my creator. It has been beautiful, it has been painful and it's not over yet. I am so broken, in all honesty, broken beyond repair. But, in His kindness and glory, the God of everything was willing to die so that all brokenness would be restored, and I'm so thankful I get to take part in it.

Neverending, your glory goes beyond all fame.

For the first time in so long, I feel like myself again. I feel the Holy Spirit at work in my heart, moving me to work for the glory of God's kingdom. To reach out and touch others so that He can be known. For the first time in what seems like forever I feel free. Free to be happy, free to have joy, free to love other people. And I can't put into words how incredible of a feeling that truly has been. Our God is so good, more than I will ever know or be able to fathom, but in this moment and every one after I wouldn't want it any other way. 

With an overflowing and gentle love,

Kaitlyn  

When God Heals a Heart

I've been in a really dark place. My first year of college was so much fun, filled with exciting and new adventures, and lots of great people. But, I ignored the most important thing of all, me. I put aside myself and my needs on a daily basis, in every shape and form that needs can come in.

Sleeping....at max six hours (on a good night)

Eating.....making the worst possible choices

Resting......going non-stop for the last ten months

Spending time with the Lord......non-existent

Taking care of myself.....I've forgotten how

When I say I wrecked myself, I mean that in its purest, most, real form. I was scattered all over the place, my heart in pieces and a darkness that seemed never-ending. I begged and pleaded and wanted more than anything for this dark, hard-heartedness to abandon my soul but I couldn't find a way out. I desperately tried to fix my broken heart on my own and no matter what I tried I could never keep all of the tiny pieces together. I ran myself so ragged with stress, and priorities, and worrying about everyone else but myself. I forgot what it felt like to be overflowing with joy. I couldn't remember how to want to love and serve others in its purest form. I was unable to connect with the One person who loves even the deepest darkest parts of me.

My cup was completely empty.

My heart was in a million pieces.

I felt like this sadness would never end, until about a week ago. Last Sunday I sat in a room full of people, in the most unlikely setting and realized that God had answered my prayers. I fought back tears as I searched for the burden on my heart that was no longer there.

My cup was no longer empty.

My heart, in all its pieces, had been put back together.

I truly believe that the Lord touches lives and changes hearts in the most simple and beautiful ways. And for me, my heart just had to be in a million tiny, little pieces before that could happen. But what I am most thankful for is that through my brokenness, through my despair, through my shattered and heart, God has created something beautiful within me. He has chosen to continue to work and touch lives through the Holy Spirit even in these painful times. But the coolest part of it all is when He put my heart back together, even though it may be in many pieces, He created a beautiful masterpiece. Something so beautiful that it can only shine for His glory, and I hope with all my heart I do it justice. And while I am not naive enough to think that this is the last time my heart will be broken and reshaped, I do know that it will still be beautiful and still very, very good.


With lots of love and reshaped heart,
Kaitlyn

Sorry We Haven't Talked in a While I've Just Been Busy

My friends have gotten way more used to hearing this phrase than I ever wanted them to. My family hears is every time I race away from our weekly lunches on Sunday afternoons. But worst of all I've been saying this to my Creator more often than not. And even worse than saying it in the first place, I can tell that it has taken a toll on my heart. My second full-time semester at college was filled with a lot of great things that have given me great joy but it has not been without stress and hardships and a LOT of heartache too.

This semester I skipped over the running I hit the ground in a dead sprint, and by the end of the semester, you could definitely tell. I started off, second week back from school--philanthropy event, basketball practice every weekday, four weekly meetings and going to class (because unfortunately, that isn't optional). Getting into February meant being less overwhelmed but not enough to feel like I wasn't drowning. March was better, it really was. School ball was over so no practice every day but travel team season had begun and while only practicing two days a week isn't near as much as five, transitioning from assistant coach to head coach was a whole different type of learning curve. Then finally, Spring Break arrived. Over the hump. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. April kind of snuck up on me, but our spring philanthropy event came and went (thank goodness). And then BOOM, its May. Dead Week wiped us all out and before I knew it my friends were all packed up and off for the summer.

And now here I am.

Stuck here with myself and all of my free-time. As I recapped this semester and glancing over my calendar week by week it blows my mind that I could manage the monster that this thing has become. I looked at it just now and I probably could throw up with how overwhelming it just looks, let alone how I felt living it. But even when I look back on how my life has been scheduled down to the second for the last five months I realize something has been missing all along. Things like club meetings and basketball practices were always in the calendar in their respective colors, I knew when they happened and I planned for them as I made sure that they were a priority of mine. But through all of this crazy organized chaos, I never made time for the One who gives me my time to spend. I was so quick to always put my faith on the back burner and now I'm paying the consequence. 

Placing everything before my relationship with Jesus has wreaked havoc on my heart. It has caused a numbness that I never even knew existed. And I believe that it has hindered my ability to serve my purpose for the Lord completely and fully over this last semester, and I would even go as far to say this last school year. I woke up one day and realized that I had fallen out of love with showing Love to others. That is scary, it breaks my heart that my heart no longer breaks for the things that His breaks for, and that is all because I stopped asking for Him to do it. I stopped asking the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His and it shows in my heart. I feel the emptiness deep in my soul. I created it. I choose to put everything else first, and now I'm reaping what I have sowed. 

The hardest part about this semester is how emotionally turned off and tuned out I was. Still, in this moment I am relearning to feel and to live those emotions. I think back to my senior year of high school and I would call that my highest spiritual point in my life thus far. I was connected so deeply to the Lord in such an intimate and personal way and I desperately want to get back to this point, but it is hard, not impossible but incredibly hard. I'm doing my best to try and get back to this point. But the idea that I could fall off the wagon again is incredibly daunting, but I'm still going for it. Over this last semester what little I have written has been mostly about how Jesus is chasing after my heart even when I've run away from His. Well, the tables are turning, and the tides are changing because while I know that the Lord will pursue me for all of my days, there is no reason that I can't chase Him right back. I know that when I make mistakes that the Lord has forgiven them even before they happen but there is a difference between knowing that I am forgiven and changing the way that I respond to His forgiveness. 

So tonight I am choosing to choose Jesus over my calendar. I'm choosing to chase after Him as He chases after me. I know there are challenges ahead of me and while most days they scare me, but I also know that I never have to run this race alone. 

With joy and a willing heart,

Kaitlyn

Being the Busy Friend

It's so funny I actually posted this article (What I Wish My Friends Knew About My Busy Schedule) a year ago today as a senior in high but it's even more relevant now as a college freshman. I LOVE and HATE my busy schedule because of everything that is said in this article. The author explains how balancing her priorities within her schedule and being with her friends is so difficult. And I can tell you first hand that it is hard when I have so many things to do and not enough time with my people. But I have been blessed and I mean B L E S S E D with people in my life who love the heck out of me even when I'm at my max and my cup is completely empty. I remember at the beginning of my first semester having a conversation with one of my now best friends. We had applied for some of the same things and we both ended up getting interviews for two of the organizations I am now part of. I remember talking with her the night we found out if we got into one of the organizations and I got phone call and she got an email. At first I was scared to say anything but when I finally told her that I got accepted she was so excited for me. I was blown away. I had never had friends who would have been excited for me in a situation like this, and it continued on. Sarah has been incredibly supportive of everything I have done this year and I don't think I will ever be able to explain to her how thankful I am for her. But, to my amazement more than just Sarah has been encouraging me on the journey through what feels like the craziest 9 months of whole my life. My sweet sorority sisters have been nothing but a source of support when I'm exhausted and my biggest cheerleaders when I take on a new adventure. And time and time again I am astonished at the fact that there are people who care so deeply for me, in spite of my busyness, in spite of me constantly being late and having to rush off, in spite of being exhausted and running on fumes, they still cheer me on. Wow, what an INCREDIBLE blessing these people are to me.

But, it's still hard.

I had a conversation just last night (technically this morning VERY early because busy people don't get to sleep) about why I am the way that I am. We talked about why now in this season of my life I am over being busy. I love the adrenaline of the stress. Which sounds crazy because in the moment I hate being stressed, but its true. The rush of being in a rush is my kind of thrill. It makes me feel important. It makes me feel as if I have a purpose. And each time I race and race and race eventually I crash, every time. Because even though the high is great, the low is my version of hell here on earth. When I feel needed I am thriving because I am so willing to hand my self worth over to someone else and say in this moment you make me feel SO good. But when I'm not needed anymore and they stop making me feel so good I don't know how to take back that control. I can't seem to relinquish the control of my intrinsic value from their grasp. And while I have some truly wonderful friends who care about me in a real and genuine way there are people in my life who don't. And when I take all of the pennies out of my already broken self-worth piggy bank and try to let a broken stock broker hold onto it, it never works out. The stress of it all is taking a toll on me mentally, physically, emotionally and I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be too busy for the people I love. I'm tired of chasing the thrill. I'm done. But no matter what I do, or try I can't seem to get out of this cycle. It feels never ending. It feels like I'm trapped.

But, then Jesus steps in.

Through this mess of busyness I have created for myself I am thankful that the Lord is teaching me to let go of my desire to let my busyness be my fulfillment. He is showing me what it means to relinquish any and all control of my self worth. And that process sucks, A LOT. Because it is scary, and uncertain, and unknown. And as a human being, especially as a woman, giving up control of anything is hard but it's even harder when it has everything to do with the deepest part of my heart and deals with everything that I am. Holy crap is it scary. But it is worth every scary, uncertain and unknown moment. Because sanctification is so much better than a cheap thrill of stress and my neediness of being needed. My God is changing and pulling at my heart because He wants me to be like Him. That is crazy! The Creator of the universe doesn't need anything, He is Perfect on His own, He needs nothings and no one, and yet He still chooses me. What a beautiful picture He painted for you and me. 

And while I am encouraged by the love and mercy the Lord shows me in my sinfulness I still am nowhere near having it all figured out. But what I do know is that I am excited about the possibilities of what an open schedule can lead me too. I know that there are things that will be placed at my feet. I am patiently anxious about the new relationships I will get to invest in and the brand new things that I can't even think of that the Lord will get to use me for. All because I am intentionally trying to let go of letting my busyness control me. I can't wait to see what He brings, because I know it will be so very good because that is all that He can ever be. 

With excited anticipation for the future and lots of love,

Kaitlyn

I'm Tired of Being Tired

I'm tired. I'm tired all the time.

I'm tired physically. Because sleep is for the weak (or at least thats what they tell us).

I'm tired emotionally. I cry a lot, solely because I am tired.

I'm tired spiritually. I'm at the point where it has become difficult to spend intimate time with my Creator because I am so tired.

I'm tired relationally. I feel like there are never enough hours in the day to get my to-do list accomplished and love my people well and in the end both suffer.

I'm tired...of being tired.

The worst part of all of this, I did it to myself. I have been chasing something so hard and fast for so long that I lost track of all of the time I've lost trying to fulfill something that is frankly out of my control. I have been running hard and fast after validation in something that will matter for a blink of an eye. I have put everything I am, once again, into something that will never eternally define me.

But yet I still chase...

I have taken my focus off the One that I am supposed to be one with and started to run after something that won't ever be enough. And I have to stop. I want to stop, but I can't seem to find the brakes. And truth be told somewhere not-so-deep inside my heart I don't want to stop just yet. I'm so close. The race is almost over. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But will everything that I've done, will it even be enough? Am I enough?

Even if I make it out of this semester alive there is always the possibility that I won't have done enough. There is always the chance that even when I give everything I am I will never be enough. But the best part of all of this is I don't have to be. The most beautiful thing about the Cross is the fact that I continue to run away from it time and time again, and even then Jesus still chases after my heart.

My heart.

My broken, empty, unworthy heart.

And He says to me, "You are enough because I Am enough."

You know, I always thought that after God showed me how faithful He is I could never even think about running toward anything but Him. But He knew that I would, and He knows that I probably will again. And still He shows me immeasurable Grace. What an incredible thing.

There is a sticker on the inside of my laptop and it says,

"And if not, He is still good" Daniel 3:18

Hopefully when you buy laptop stickers you take the time to fact check any bible verses because I certainly did not. While I did see this sticker and understand that it speaks truth about who He is and His faithfulness I did not know what the actual verse said.

But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." Daniel 3:18 *for real*

What a gut check, let me just tell you. As I chased my own "golden image" I lost sight of the true reward I already have. But as I reread this verse I know that it points back to nothing more than how great my God is. I am so thankful that I serve a God who would save Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego from the furnace and in the same way save me from myself and my brokenness time and time again. Even when I turn away from Him He extends an unwavering hand of grace, love and mercy. When I run from Him He runs after me. How thankful am I for that.

Overwhelmed by never ending grace and love,
Kaitlyn